How do I react when a girl I like has a new haircut that I don't like very much? [closed]

Question

I've had a past teenage experience (~10 years ago) where a girl I liked (only friends) asked me about whether I liked her fake nails. I answered honestly and say I didn't like them at all and prefer natural nails, to which she was very upset. I tried to justify myself by saying how an honest opinion is always better - but it only made her more upset. This was a bad, however very life-instructing experience - that in some cases saying my opinion too straight was not the greatest idea.

Since then it has happened to me twice that girls I like (only friends) have got a major haircut, and this is going to happen a 3rd time (I only saw a picture so far). In one of those cases I was explicitly asked about whether I liked the short hair, and in order to avoid a repeat of the earlier bad experience I had with the fake nails, I felt forced to lie and said I like it - which felt extremely awkward since I normally never lie, and it was probably obvious I was thinking the opposite, which made me feel even worse for lying.

As a person, my behaviour is that I usually say what I think straightly and loudly, no matter if it pleases other people or not because that's how I am and hiding my real feelings only complicate things. My previous life experience taught me that wanting to hide things and being politically correct is counter-productive, and being straight and honest is more efficient.

While I like my friends no matter how they look externally, I clearly prefer girls with long hair. Unfortunately, I only have bad choices as how to react:

• If I say I like the new hairstyle I'm outright lying and that's a terrible choice.
• If I say straight I don't like it, they'll be upset and it'll repeat my past negative experience.
• If I ignore the matter completely and act as if nothing happened/as if I didn't notice the style change, it means I do not care about her or how she looks and that's not a very good thing either.

No matter how hard I think I cannot find a behaviour that is exemplary in this case. If it matters for this question, I'm a guy.

Answer 1

So, to give an answer that is not "lie, or move around the subject" here is my version: be honest.

If you don't like it, don't start about it, but when she brings up the subject you're totally fine to actually tell the truth. You don't have to say you find her new style the worst in the world, but there is nothing wrong with admitting that you preferred her previous style.

If she's asking you what you think about it, she wants your opinion. Not some lie or evasive answer (and beware, she will understand that you don't like it if you ignore her real question). Better be honest than pretending you really like it, when she finds out it makes it even worse.

Answer 2

I've been on the other side of this and I agree that lying is not a great idea. She'll know that you're lying and it will make it sound worse than it probably is. What she wants is reassurance that you still find her attractive. Here are a few options that don't include lying or insulting her, and do include reassurance.

• Say the old cut was your favorite, but she's always attractive in general ("Long was my favorite, but you're always beautiful to me.")
• Pick one thing about this cut that is flattering and focus on that. ("I really like the fringe -- it shows your eyes.")

Do remember the haircut choice was based on her own taste and lifestyle, just as yours is. As for asking her to have a specific cut (as suggested above), I would tread lightly. It's ok to say "I love the way you look when..." - but watch her reaction and consider what you're asking of her. Would you like someone to make a similar level of change to your appearance or expense or effort? If not, don't do it!

Also, I wouldn't ask "do you like it?" as a substitute for answering. That makes it very clear that you don't like it. You might as well just answer.

Regarding the information that she didn't ask - if you still like her and want her to keep liking you, try these:

• Ask if she got her haircut, then follow the above advice after she reacts.
• Don't say anything about the cut, just comment on things you actually like.

If you're just friends and she hasn't directly asked, just don't say anything. It isn't necessary. If you're very very close friends and you feel she would be offended by you saying nothing, you can still follow the above advice.

Answer 3

Short answer: You don't

You are in no way responsible or do you have any say in this (or any) women's decisions in regards to her hair, nails, or anything else. If she wanted your opinion she would have asked before it happened. If she asks you what you think about it now she is not asking for your opinion she is asking for a compliment.

There is absolutely no reason to force your negative opinion on her if she doesn't explicitly ask for your opinion. If you do not like it the best case scenario would to be to ignore it, but if she explicitly asks you what you think of her haircut then I think a good answer would be:

I think you look (Insert flattering adjective here), as always.

because you do not have to explicitly tell her that you like the haircut (which you dont) but you also are not going to hurt her feelings by telling her the you do not like her style choices.

If you end up in a relationship, or a similarly important role in her life, then you can consider asking her to grow it out if that is what you prefer. Keep in mind that it is always 100% her decision though.

Answer 4

I feel the problem with such questions, even more so with women, is that they can have many meanings, from "Really just your honest opinion about my hair" to "Do you think I'm generally attractive?" to even "Do you (still) care about/love me?". You need to know the person to understand the question that is being asked, and answer that.

It's OK to tell honestly if you don't like the new hairdo, even if the other person is a bit hurt – a sane person should be able to accept that other people have different viewpoints, especially if they asked for them. But you can still turn the situation into a positive one by addressing the underlying questions and feelings.

As a direct person, it's also fair if you don't want to play that game. In many situations I would probably a tongue-in-cheek answer that I'd like it longer, so it's easier to pull. In a way, you give a "male" answer to a "female" question to make clear you're not interested in playing by someone else's rules, and don't want to be dragged into that conversation.

Answer 5

Lying is a socially acceptable choice in these situations. The person who has had their haircut has had a visible change in their life that they themselves notice and may be feeling self conscious about. Wondering what people are thinking or feeling, what are people saying behind their back.

If they ask, "what do you think of my hair?" Then what they may really be saying is, "You have not yet commented on my hair, and until you do I will believe you think badly of me"

People have a tendency to fill in lack of information to their own detriment in many cases.

So saying, "I like it" and then perhaps following up with a question (good compliment practice..) of "Where did you get it done?" is letting them know that you have noticed, acknowledged the change in their appearance and brought your friendship back to a state where they are not worrying over the lack of information.

Saying that you like their hair when in fact you do not but it does not change your opinion of them as a person is not necessarily harmful. If their appearance does effect your opinion of them as a person then your friendship has different issues.

So, to summarise. In interactions what people say or ask and what they mean can be different things. They are not asking you if they like your hair, they just want you to acknowledge it. You are then to fulfil your end of that social contract with a positive reinforcement so normal friendship can resume.

Answer 6

You liking her hair is your problem and your perspective on your physical attraction to females.

I would normally respond to "Do your like my hair?" with:

Do you like it?

if they reply with "Yes", then I would normally say:

That's all that matters, what I think doesn't matter, you're awesome either way (if you think she's awesome that is).

---

This way, you're not lying by saying that you don't like her hair, so you won't relive previous negative experiences but you're still giving them an honest response by telling them that you like them, moreover their hair.

but if they do persist and say "But seriously, do you like it?" or if you prefer not to say what I suggested previously, then just go straight to the honest approach below:

I preferred when it was a little longer.

She can't expect everyone to like her hair, but you're not saying you outright dislike it, but you shouldn't have to lie, your friendship should be stronger than a compliment on her hair, or her expecting you to lie to her.

or even better from @JMac in the comments (if you still find them attractive, but from the question you're not that shallow), you could say:

I preferred it when it was a little longer, but you're pulling it off.

"You're pulling it off" could be translated to "it suits you" or "it looks good on you" or what I like to say is "You're rocking it" (but that could be stemmed from the US/UK mainly).

Answer 7

If I don't know what to say right away when the person asks, I won't (white) lie anyway. I'll carefully look at the person, even step back a little, ask him/her to twist around. Not only you really pay attention to what she/he did, but your have also more time to think of how you can say things.

It's really different. Let me see, give me a few seconds please.

So I can pinpoint what's really different and why. Only then, when I made my mind, I would only emphasize the "new" things that the new haircut has done, and tell her/him what I see and like:

• I already loved the way you smile, and because of [ difference A ], it makes your smile even more bright and nice.
• I like the [ blue / brown / green ] of your eyes, and because of [ difference B ], this color has more depth, and your look is highlighted.
• I like the way one can see your earrings now, good choice putting your hair behind your ears.

Be positive about the new haircut and the new style. If you don't really like it, others may like it, and your friend DO like it most of the time, so be it... :)

Answer 8

Depending on where you are from, the answer could vary widely due to cultural differences, so take what I say as a Briton's take on the situation.

Comment on the hair cut, but don't say whether you like or not initially. E.g. "Is that a new hair cut?" You allow her to make first comment on it, as they will possibly say "Yeah, I was getting tired of [feature of previous style]" or possibly say that it's not exactly what they wanted.

If they say the former you can start by saying "I liked [feature of previous style]" and then go on to say how they look like a totally different person without them.

Or, you could always go for something generic, a few examples (style change | response):

• Long hair to short hair | You look more mature
• Changed hair colour | It makes you look like [celebrity they like]
• Short hair to long hair | Makes you look younger

At the end of the day, when it comes to styles and fashion, you either like it, you lie, or you get on well enough that you can insult the person's style without them getting offended.

Answer 9

There's another option: You could say

I like you no matter what haircut you have!

(since you stated that's true) and you might add

You're your own person and the important thing is that you feel good with the new hair. So, if I may ask: how does it make you feel?

It may just be a question about hair but it may just as well be a question about themselves. If you get the sense that the real question is "Do you like me?", try answering that honestly and enthusiastically (since you said you do like them).

Answer 10

Respond to the topic, not the question

Don't take the question too literally. People often say things that need to be translated, so to speak. A simple example is:

Literal question: "Good morning. How are you?"

Literal answer (bad): "I have a headache and my mother is dying of cancer."

Instead of responding to the literal question, try to understand the purpose of the utterance.

Underlying question: "Please acknowledge my presence and give me an overall indication of your mood so I can interact with you."

Appropriate answer: "I'm good! How are you?"

Hopefully, this is clear, it's very basic to social skills-- answering literally is almost never a good idea with pleasantries like this one.

About her hair

So now let's talk about hair:

Literal question: "How do you like my new hair?"

Literal answer (bad): "I hate it. I like long hair."

Yeah, there is no reason to put anyone through that. Here's how I would interpret it:

Underlying question: "Please acknowledge that you noticed my hair, and that it is socially appropriate, so I don't need to be insecure about it."

Appropriate answer: "Cool, looks like you're doing the Emma Watson thing. Pulling...it...off!!!"

This isn't really lying, and honestly, you're not dodging the (real) question either.

Here are a few more examples:

"Looking pretty sharp!"

"Well that ought to catch the eye of {name of potential mate she is interested in}!"

"That looks like it will be so much more comfortable in this heat! Whew! Did you know it was 108 degrees yesterday?"

The nice thing about that last example is that it also changes the topic, getting you out of a potentially awkward conversation.

What if she truly wants your personal opinion?

This is actually rare, but it does come up sometimes, for example, if she has an important interview or other event and needs true feedback.

You should always verify that this is the case:

Do you really want my honest answer?

And you should always soften the blow. The way to soften the blow with criticism is with to attribute the cause to something that is external or global, as opposed to something that is specifically always her fault. For example:

A lot of people like it, but it's not my thing

(i.e. it's me, not you)

It's decent, but I've seen you with better haircuts for sure

(i.e. it's this specific cut, it's not your sense of style in general)

Answer 11

You can compliment them without lying

Find something positive to say, not about your own feelings.

You could say that the haircut is fashionable, lighter, darker, expressive, fun. Saying something positive isn't a lie, unless you claim to be feeling something when you're not

Appearances aren't just to entertain other people Do you wear clothes, get haircuts, just to make others happy? I expect probably not. Maybe you just like your shirt, jeans, shoes, etc. Maybe you don't care. Maybe your friend chose her haircut because she liked it, not to make others happy

Article: Why Women Have to Care About Their Looks

Answer 12

Well, if it wasn't asked (directly or indirectly), it's not necessary to give your opinion.

But, if you interact with that person and wants to give her a thing that won't cost you a thing and will make her feel good. then go on and say something nice about the new haircut. Except in few cases, she chose the new style, though it would look good or great, and might be expecting to have (positive) reactions that will improve her mood.

So, say something like "your new haircut is good", "I like your new haircut", "oh, I see that you just changed your hair", and smile.

Answer 13

1. If she asks, be honest, as in "I don't care for it. In my personal opinion, I think women are more attractive with long hair."

   • If she's a sane human being, that'll be the end of the conversation and you can judge whether she values your opinion in the months to follow.
   • If she blows up at you for giving your opinion when asked for it, then you know she may be the type of irrational person that is prone to insanity.

2. If she doesn't ask, continue about your day.

   • Only irrational people put words and meanings into others' mouths. If she assumes like/dislike without asking you such, she is overthinking the situation.
   • If she wants your opinion or is shamelessly fishing for a compliment, she'll ask. Refer to #1 at that point.

3. If you're married to her, forget #1 and #2. Preemptively strike with, "Please refer to paragraph 4, line 32 of our prenuptial. I look forward to our nightly relations until your hair grows back."

Answer 14

Say, "The best hairstyle ever." Then she says, "Really?" "Yeah, it's good." She will know whether you like it or not. Trust me.

When you marry her and she cooks and says, "Do you like it?" You say, "It's my favorite." You say that every time. Tell your kids that every meal she makes is their favorite

Or, you can never get married, and you can never be happily married.

You should be able to find something redeeming about what they did. You're not that difficult to be around are you?

Oh, by the way, who cares what you like. It is not about you.

Source: Married a long time. Worked and been around females for a long time.

Answer 15

A lot would depend on your willingness to be insincere. Let us assume you are not a convincing liar and she will find you out if you do lie about it.

Solution A: you lie and say you like the new 'short cut' -- she thinks you are insincere. If you later tell her something truthfully she may choose not to believe you.

Solution B: you are honest and tell her you don't really like the new haircut (however nicely you say it, as advised in earlier answers) -- she does not think you are insincere, whatever else she may think. It is a step towards establishing your general credibility but you must be consistently honest to maintain the impression.

Now it is a question of whether you want to be perceived by her as honest or insincere.

If you don't mind being perceived by her as insincere you can go ahead and lie and tell her you like it. (This is what I would do with somebody who is not close to me and who is not important to me, in order to avoid unpleasantness.) However, I should not lie to anyone who matters a lot to me. In my experience, being understood to be perfectly, even painfully honest is far preferable to being thought insincere, in the long run.

But if she does not ask for your opinion it is better not to bring up the subject.

Answer 16

First of all, if you're asked "How do you like the way I look?" most often it's not even a question, but fishing for compliments. Even if it's not fishing for compliments, then asker is looking for your support of the decision, to validate it, and not for fair judgement.

If you genuinely find that person pretty and can express it, then focus on that. Phrase it something like "a pretty person looks pretty in every haircut" so you'll compliment the person (what could be the point) and avoid the feature you don't like. Never express dislike, even when pressed further. At most say "I really liked the previous one". This avoids saying the bad thing, and replaces it with a good thing. Even if the good thing is no more, it still was a good thing.

Attractiveness is a very complicated thing. Our brains trick us to believe that the primary purpose of maintaining own image is to "express oneself", while it has no other purpose than to attract potential partners. When you're giving your honest opinion, you're basically asking to sacrifice his/hers "personalized" look only to cater to the needs of a single person - you. That's why your personal opinion rarely actually matters here.

For this reason, you should also try to set your personal preferences aside, and try to objectively find good things. Eg. that short hair make one look younger or that the fake nails are going well with wearer's eyes. If you have nothing good to say, you can at least say that the change was "refreshing". If you have the time to prepare, you can get a crash course on recent fashion, to ready rock-solid arguments why this new haircut is so hot right now. You may come out as a fashion guru : )

Answer 17

You can tell her in this way: If there are two types of haircut say A and B and she has the A now but you like the B, then, tell her in this way:

You are looking very nice. I think you'll look extraordinary(or any cool adjective for girls' beauty) if you have a haircut B.

I tried it more than three times to a female friend and co-worker. Every time it worked more than I expected.
She reacted in such a way that she appreciated my opinion. Because my way of telling her about changing her haircut expresses that I care for her. If a girl thinks something is impeding her looking good, she must change that thing.