Sounds like a familiar situation! I have had my share of abusive people in my life from classmates to home issues, and with lovers. I understand how frustrating it is when all you want to do is just scream STOP which of course leads to them projecting onto you with issues of anger, and being unruly/impossible to talk to.

It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that I learned to better handle these types of situations. By reacting out of frustration, which it's hard not to lash out, you just make it worse or further reinforce the thoughts they have about why they need to treat you the way they do.

DON'T REACT:

One of the first bits of advice I got was to stop reacting to the things I don't like. Sounds simple and easy in theory, not so much in practice. But by not reacting to manipulation, not lashing out at things they know push your buttons, you take away their power to upset you, you take back control of your emotions and actions. If you stop reacting to the manipulation and only respond to the positive, you are stating to them "I will not respond to being treated badly". This makes them try to find new ways to reach out, and by responding when they do it in the behavior you desire, they will likely realize that's the only way they will be able to approach you. Maybe they don't change their approach but instead say, you know, I realized that the way I have been talking to you and treating you has not been good so I will make it up to you by...

I FEEL STATEMENTS:

Another thing you can try doing is sitting down and having a civil discussion about this using "I feel" statements. These are great for discussing how YOU feel without turning it on them.

Hey Dad, I feel really frustrated when my life choices are challenged. It would mean the world to me if I had people supporting my choices and not put me down for decisions I decide with my partner.

Notice the above statement is all about you and how you feel. Not:

Hey Dad, It frustrates me that you always get mad if I don't follow your advice. Why can't you be supportive of my choices?

See how very confrontational that is? It puts almost anyone immediately into the defensive mode.

These "I feel" statements are great non-confrontational ways that you can use for virtually any situation when you want to have a serious talk about something bothering you without starting world war 3.

At the end of the day, there is only so much you can do on your end. Your Dad also has to be willing to accept your feelings and have a civil conversation about it as well. Which if he doesn't, may lead to harder choices down the road that you may need to make.

9 years sounds like a fairly large gap from when your parents were divorced, It is possible that he wants to make sure you don't end up like your mom (forcing you to do his advice), and it's also likely he is lonely especially if he doesn't have a new partner (wanting you to visit him and your grandma more frequently). So It is important to hear him out too and why I said in comments that sometimes taking a step back can really help when you get the full spectrum of details. Try asking him why he feels you need to only follow his advice (in a civil non-confrontational way), try asking him why he wants you to visit more (maybe he can visit you more often or set up a half way mutual night out).

Of course none of it will change his behavior over night if at all, but if you can at least come to an understanding with eachother, you might be able to repair some of the relationship and have the peace you want.