How to get coworker to stop saying clearly offensive stories when I can hear

Question

I have a coworker (call him Tim) who says disgusting things and tells disturbing stories. I'm trying to think of a non-confrontational way to get him to stop. Often times he's not talking to me, but I have to hear it because he's talking to the coworker beside me.

My old job let me go because of the economic situation from COVID. I started working at this store a couple months ago. I didn't know it when I was hired, but the chain of stores also owns night clubs. So when the nightclubs closed due to COVID, they transferred the security to the stores. That's how Tim got here. He used to work at a gay club and keeps telling stories like how he had to fight off men and cross dressers from hitting on him. Often times his stories involve violence, so he's probably trying to make himself look tough. Management asked to try to resolve conflicts between coworkers without involving them.

I could try to physically distance myself when he's talking like this, but sometimes I have to be close due to work reasons. I'm surprised Tim's security but spends so much time talking to the clerks, but management seems ok with it. To be clear, he talks like this very often.

Answer 1

At the workplace, you have 2 kind of conversation : allowed/not allowed and inappropriate/offensive or not. When coworkers are talking, you may dislike the content, but it doesn't mean their small talk are tagged NSFW (Not Suited For Work).

So, sometimes, you just have to suck it up, because their right to chit-chat equals yours not to like it. That doesn't mean there's nothing you can do ;)

I faced that exact same situation when open-space became the norm years ago. Sometimes, in front of your computer, or talking to a client on the phone, you focus on something really important, and some folks are having this annoying small talk about holidays/kids/movie/anything you don't like... And they talk too much, too loud, laugh... and so on! In this case, as always, you should keep it simple and professional:

[ Using neutral & low tone ] : please folks, I'm working on something really important, could you please tune down just a bit or move a little away from my desk? Thanks a lot. (Note: keeping yourself calm with a low volume is a key to being listened to. A little smile is often a plus.)

This way, you're not asking them to stop, just to share space and volume. Don't judge, don't mention the content, as if you didn't hear it. Put the emphasis on the volume or the proximity.

Using this, I almost always got excellent results, even with some "sorry mate", a thumb up, and people lowering tone and moving a few feet away.

If the content is NSFW, then you should tell them, still with calm and a low tone. But point out that, in your opinion, this kind of small talk isn't appropriate. Depending on Tim's answer/behavior, you may have to bring this to your manager or HR. But keep in mind that it may be annoying to you, still, allowed. What's offensive to you is just normal stuff for some people. Works both ways. Of course, racism or sexism are quite easy to point out, but many offensive words/chat are offensive only to some persons, and won't be labeled as forbidden in a workplace environment.

You're walking on eggs here, so you'd better start with a friendly call. I got my best results this way.