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I lack social skills, because I don't find other people interesting, so I fail to start and maintain conversations.

What could I do to find other people conversation interesting? (I mean people in general, not people who shares my interests and tastes).

Note that I'm not asking how to make other people interested on me, but how I make me interested in them.

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  • Do you find anyone else interesting? If so, who? Do you find yourself interesting? What non-people stuff do you find interesting?
    – user16858
    Jun 19, 2018 at 23:18
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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because while this may be a good question, it seems to be an intrapersonal issue as opposed to an interpersonal one.
    – scohe001
    Jun 19, 2018 at 23:38
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    @scohe001 What would make it an interpersonal question? Can you give me an example?
    – tutizeri
    Jun 19, 2018 at 23:41
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    You could perhaps ask about how to navigate the conversation towards something that you're both interested in, or how to change topics when you're not interested in the conversation (notice how both of these focus on the interactions with other people, as opposed to something solely personal). However, in both cases, you'll need to be specific about the type of situation (at work vs. family reunion would be different). If you need more help, you can step into chat and talk to some of the top users here about question forming :)
    – scohe001
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:02
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    @scohe001 What is wrong with asking what motivates people to want to talk, in such a way that I could find: "cool, I could enjoy it also"?
    – tutizeri
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:13

2 Answers 2

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I'll answer based on the information I have thus far.

I don't know for sure what the problem is.

However I will take a guess. People who are not interested in what others have to say generally are either self-centered or look down on others. The solution for both is empathy.

I define empathy as seeing other people similar to yourself.

If you're self-centered, you are focused on your thoughts and wants. For example you want to be entertained. You aren't focused on the thoughts of others, or how you can help them. Ultimately this is because you view yourself as different than others. Which is why you treat your thoughts differently. If you were the same, wouldn't you treat them with the same love you think you deserve?

If you look down on others, you might listen to what they have to say, but you dismiss it or don't care. The reason here is because you view yourself as different - a superior.

The solution is to view yourself more similar.

Imagine if you viewed yourself as similar to others. Then you'd view yourself as average. Subsequently 50% of the population is better than you at something. You'd have so much to learn from so many people - of course you'd want to listen to their insightful opinions!

Also, if you viewed others as similar, then you'd want to care about them. I don't know how difficult your life has been, but let's assume it's been pretty difficult. Imagine if everyone you came across had at least the same amount of difficulty in their life. Wouldn't you want to help them, as you wish, perhaps, people had helped you?

How do you do this? Well I'd say start with this assumption: "if I had the same experiences as someone else, I'd think the same as them." Maybe you disagree with that right now. But try learning some perspectives and disprove it. Meaning learn about people, what they did and why - ask yourself "would I really do something different in the same situation" I've done this exercise and came to the conclusion I would literally do the same things as other people given the same situation. Over and over I find myself thinking "wow, if I was in a constantly negative environment and never knew what love was like, I'd probably think everyone was bad and be a worse person". It's scary. To think that inside me literally lies to potential to be an evil dictator. Of course the same potential lies to be a spiritual guru. The end result is it's hard to judge others because in the process I'd be judging myself.

Ironically you perhaps lack empathy because you don't talk to people. Which is why you don't want to talk to them.

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  • Thanks. I find interesting the idea of comparing why, other people, did something, compared to what I would do.
    – tutizeri
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:02
  • I do not understand how to not having interest in something is related to feeling superior.
    – tutizeri
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:05
  • @tutizeri I didn't say they were directly related. I said I don't know what your problem is (not enough information). I gave 2 candidates. One of them was looking down on others. Which is related to superiority.
    – user16858
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:06
  • Can you cite or link anything to support or back up the contentions in this answer?
    – user9837
    Jun 20, 2018 at 13:25
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    It probably doesn't matter now that the Q is closed, but it is something we are supposed to include in answers. It often makes them mroe difficult and time consuming to write, but also makes them more robust as being more than one person's suggestion/
    – user9837
    Jun 21, 2018 at 9:48
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There is no beating around the bush: In order to build your interest in other people and develop your social skills you need to change your attitude.

The first step is to genuinely want to change. This will involve stepping out of your comfort zone and losing current advantages that your present attitude provides you. It will mean changing your thinking habits. You need to be very clear on what you want to achieve and how you will measure your progress. Ie. Set measurable goals.

Next step is hard work. Habits are changed gradually with vigilant effort over long periods of time. If you want to change, you need to take initiative. Don't expect others to help you or support you. There is no silver bullet: Go out with a goal to meet people. By far the best way I found is by helping others. If you are really stuck for ideas, consider volunteering.

Once you start interacting, you should replace negative thoughts with positives. Watch for thoughts like "This is boring!", "What a waste of time!", "He/She is so stupid/boring/different". Replace them with positive thoughts: "What an interesting person", "I can learn a lot from him", "Interesting perspective", etc. This will feel completely unnatural, artificial and wrong. It will feel like you are acting and being fake (And in a way you are). It feels this way because it is outside of your comfort zone and completely new. In a way you are changing yourself as a person, so of course this means completely new way of thinking. Essentially you are trying to create a new habit to replace the old one.

Next is time, perseverance and expectations. It does not take weeks to break habits of a lifetime: It takes years! And you will fail. You will make mistakes. You will embarrass yourself. You will say and act in inappropriate way. Others will think of you as a fool. But think of failure as a positive development (This is another habit to develop that is essential in life). If you are failing then you are learning new things. Pain the best teacher. Reflect on what you did wrong, get up and try again. Always try again. And again. This is what everyone goes through when learning new things.

Social skills are just like any other skill in life: They come and develop with practice. It is just like learning to play a musical instrument: You practice every single day and over time it becomes more natural. You will hit a point where you don't feel like you are improving no matter your effort. This is an illusion. Keep at it.

I guarantee you: With perseverance AND effort you will get better. I also guarantee you that you will never be free of anxiety or completely comfortable: Even the most socially capable extrovert is nervous when interacting with new people. It is just they force themselves through it easier.

One last thing: You need to know your limits. If you are an introvert (As I am), this process is exhausting beyond words. It will be overwhelming. But it just means that you will need to have a longer recovery time. Being introverted and being shy are two completely different things and we are changing the later instead of the former.

Good luck.

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  • Can you speak of a direct reward you may get from the conversation itself? Something that makes you feel "I'm enjoying this conversation", and "I want to talk to him to get that reward I crave"
    – tutizeri
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:18
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    A direct reward is knowledge that you are improving in starting and maintaining social relations.
    – Lotana
    Jun 20, 2018 at 0:50
  • Are you able to link any sources or references, or practical experience to back up your recommendations or assertions?
    – user9837
    Jun 20, 2018 at 13:29
  • No. I do not have any links or references. All what I said comes from my life experience. There is no need to make my answer any longer by talking about myself: It is not about me, it is about the requester.
    – Lotana
    Jun 20, 2018 at 22:59
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    @Lotana It is about the requester, and about giving them well founded answers which have a robust basis.
    – user9837
    Jun 21, 2018 at 9:49

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