How do I defuse a shouting fight about a bad test?

Question

I have Chinese parents and the stereotype is 100% true in this case... I’ve recently gotten a bad score on a test, however I’m in double accelerated math. However, apparently that’s the standard for Asian kids, and other kids work harder and are smarter and etc. How do I get my parents to not yell at me? Vague on purpose for various reasons.

Answer 1

As someone who also comes from a Chinese family (not in the US though, a primarily Asian country), I'll try to provide some insight that the other comments seem to be slightly lacking in.

Asian Culture

Unlike (what I understand from) Western culture, Asian culture emphasizes extremely heavily on filial piety as well as unconditional respect for your elders. This usually means that they hate being "talked back" to, the definition of which has expanded to basically giving even a mildly non-compliant answer to anything they say. Sometimes, even justifying your position is seen as being defiant, unreasonable as it seems (I really dislike this aspect of my culture).

I'll preface this with saying that this is from what I have observed. I believe that this rather traditional belief is likely due to being brought up under these circumstances and believing that that is what a parent-child relationship should be. A lot of Asian parents are very restrictive and believe that they know better than their children (whether that is true or not is irrelevant) and as a result, don't really respect them. I would say that's where the Asian stereotype of over demanding parents come from - Asian parents are more conservative and don't really empathize with the struggles of their children, which can lead to them shouting or punishing them through violence.

Perhaps more exaggerated instances of this can be found in Asian media, especially in dramas, where in the more cliché ones, children are essentially an extension of their parents to whom they are subservient.

In Response to OP

Much like what some other comments said, your post is lacking in context, but I'll try to cover all bases.

Here's a bunch of questions you can answer to decide the best course of action.

What is your desired outcome?

Do you want to placate your parents? Or do you want them to understand why you did badly?

If you're looking for the former, you should honestly just tide out their shouting and agree with whatever they say. I know this is unhealthy, but from my experience, the conflict will not end unless you accept that it is your mistake no matter the circumstances.

You can attempt to justify your poor results after they have become less emotional, but this is dependent on the following point as well.

Anyway, if it is the latter, here is a follow-up.

Are your parents usually reasonable with regards to other conflicts?

Of course, you can try to explain to them that what you scored was actually the average, since it is a doubly accelerated class, but whether they accept this or not is dependent on their regular behavior.

Are they usually reasonable? If so, they might be upset because they believe that you are not putting as much effort as you should have been. Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, but if that is why they're upset, explaining this to them would be immensely helpful.

In my case, my father has severe anger management problems, so when I was younger, he would frequently lecture or shout at me over seemingly insignificant matters, depending on how much I rebut him. Growing up, I realized that the easiest solution would to be to essentially placate him by accepting whatever he said. Unfortunately, he would always be insistent on him being right, which meant that there wasn't much of a point in talking to him afterwards, so I basically grew to ignore whatever he said.

Again, I can't be overly specific in my answer since you know your parents better than I do, but you should consider what outcome you want and perhaps, sadly, accept that you can't really control your parents' outburst at you.

You can only hope that in time, they will respect you enough to converse normally with you. I'm really sorry.

Answer 2

They are your parent before being anything else and they want their best for you. Even if the best means sometime having way to high expectation on you and even 'their best' might not mean your best.

Try to take a deep breath, relax and accept them being like that.

The best you can do in my opinion, is to show them you work really hard and sometime you need a nice-encouraging word from their side.

I am raised in Romania and my parent way of dealing with my bad grades was different from yours, yet I know deep down, they 've loved me and they thought as being the best way.

I came up with two scenarios and I can't tell you which one is the best, is your choice, yet if I were you I'd choose the first one.

1: Tell them right away. Go home, hug them, give them a kiss out of the blue and tell them - that you are really sorry for that grade, yet you studied hard, but apparently not enough. And that next time you will give your best and you won't stop until you will make them proud they have a son/daughter like you. Ask them if hey are upset or disappointed and ask for forgiveness again.

• since they are your parent, they will be a little upset, but seeing you being way more mad on your own, they won't yell or punish you. They will help you stay more focus and maybe they will also help you understand the parts you failed in test.

2: Wait until you take another grade at any subject and tell them then that you have two news. (This '2' worked on my parent a few times, yet mine were definitely different then yours).

I wouldn't suggest you to take into consideration the second scenario, being a grown up on my own right now. If I 'd be a parent I'd prefer them telling me the truth right away and showing to me that they are really upset and scared to not disappoint me. Yet I presented the second scenario to you, so you have a backup plan in extreme cases. I repeat myself, lying to your parent won't turn ok in the end, so take in consideration do you want them to lose trust on you, or to be by your side?

(note: I don't know that good how Chinese parents deal with bad grades, yet is my advice, thinking that being a parent means that you love your child way more than anything else in life)

Sometimes the best way to get through is being honest and true to yourself!

HOPE FOR THE BEST, PLAN FOR THE WORST! - that's my favorite quote.

Expect for they being understanding, but plan your explanation to that bad grade as expecting for the worst. I know it sounds extreme, but can be applied on so many cases/scenarios in life.

My advice is to tell them right away and show them that you fear the fact that you might upset/disappoint/angry them. After all is just a grade and your health and joy in life should be for them way more important.

Just have faith and love them! And learn from their way of teaching you, so when you will be a parent you won't apply that or you will but being careful not to scare your child as they did to you.

Best luck!