How to reassure my boyfriend

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 months and my anxiety is ruining our relationship. When we have a slight clash of opinions/different viewpoints it triggers my anxiety and it will turn into a full blown argument. Or I will read into things, assume he is angry with me, and constantly seek reassurance, which in turn annoys him, and then we have an argument.

I am about to enter therapy to deal with my anxiety. My boyfriend seems worried about this. Note: I may be mind reading but I had my initial assessment on Monday and that night I went to see him and he seemed off/a little more quiet and different, didn't want to have sex etc. he then proceeded to ask what was talked about in the initial assessment and seemed worried when I said she asked questions like 'do you feel depressed?' I assume he is feeling worried because I am going to therapy because of our relationship.

I could ask him 'how do you feel about me going to therapy?' but since he doesn't appear to like discussing feelings (because when we have in the past it escalated) I assume he will say fine.

I guess what I am asking is, is there a way where I can reassure him that the therapy is to better myself and is not going to ruin our relationship?

Answer 1

First, well done seeking help. This is the biggest step and far too many suffer alone.

Next, I'm sure your therapist has explained this, but for the wider audience, anything you discuss is confidential and is entirely up to you to decide what to share with anyone. Meaning, don't feel you owe him any explanation or details about your sessions. Having said that, significant other, family, and friends supporting your treatment plan is often very helpful.

is there a way where I can reassure him that the therapy is to better myself and is not going to ruin our relationship?

Hopefully, probably, yes. You are absolutely doing this for yourself and your long term mental and physical health, which is a point you can use to reassure boyfriend. Yes, in this case, you can 100% say it's not you, it's me. :)

he doesn't appear to like discussing feelings (because when we have in the past it escalated)

It's understandable that boyfriend is uncomfortable discussing this so one option is to not put him in that position. Based on your description, he will likely be very curious about each session, especially in the beginning.

Very often, I know someone is waiting for a some kind of update, this happens frequently in personal and professional settings. What I do is prepare a statement that will, hopefully, satisfy their expectations without leading to discussion or further questions.

How you can do this, for example, is pick something discussed in session that is meaningful to you but not related to him, and use that as your 'big news' for the day.

"So, today with my therapist, we talked about that time a spider crawled across my hand and I never realized how that affected me because...extra stuff, more stuff, even more extra stuff.... Where do you want to go for dinner?"

That last bit is a signal that talk of therapy is over. Hopefully, he'll get it.

Longer term, my friend with an eating disorder appears quite comfortable talking about her treatment and uses humor to engage people and let them know how she's feeling. It may take you several sessions to get to that point, but humor is a very effective and non-confrontational way to express serious things.

Finally, while we can't tell you what to do, it may be good for you to talk with a long-term very close person, sibling, best friend, about your priorities to pre-decide what's best for you so they can help you stick to that plan.