How to un-move-in with my partner?

Question

My partner and I have been living together for ~4 years now. Back when we decided to move in together, it seemed like a no-brainer. I've been feeding and supporting her through her studies (with my income as the only income in the household), and soon, she'll have her first full-time job with a very nice salary.

One of the reasons moving in with her was a no-brainer for me back then was my own insecurities and history. After years of therapy, I now feel way more comfortable being myself.

A few months ago, she had gone on travelling for almost two months, and in those two months, I've had the apartment to myself, and I just never felt happier before during that time. I was a happier person during those two months. When she came back, I was, to my own surprise, upset that I had to go back to living with her.

To me, it is not a question of breakup. I still care a great deal about her, and love her very much. It's just that I feel living alone by myself (with the exception of being together during the weekends & holidays, or travelling together, etc.) works better for me. I just have found out that I'm a kind of person who enjoys his alone time and his personal space a lot.

Logistical issues aside, how do I communicate this desire to my partner without prompting a breakup?

Answer 1

Maybe not an exact answer to your question, but one I wanted to give anyway:

I love being alone. I still do, after living together many years. I love being alone for longer periods too. I've concluded that, weighting the pro's and cons, I like being alone but I like the other benefits more. A helping hand etc., someone to discuss big issues with, someone who tells me I'm wrong or simply someone who listens.

My wife and I had a conversation that I require alone time. And I don't just mean an hour once in a while, but something more significant. What works for us is:

• She sometimes initiates a weekend away with friend, go on a small trip or something, leaving the house to me. She likes doing things like that and I get the house to myself.
• She goes to a friend for some social time and when she comes home late in the evening, I get a "good night" and a kiss (maybe a very small convo) and then she goes to bed.
• She goes to bed to read, I have the last hour of the day solo. She likes to read, I like alone, win-win
• She took an evening shift. At first she didnt because she thought I would mind, but knowing I like the solo time, so took the shift. That benefitted her too.

This was the result of multiple conversation accross a few years, you need to find a status quo which works for both. It felt a bit odd in the beginning, as your "supposed to" love eachother fulltime. I do, but I also like the precense of no-one. I've explained this as best I could to her, that this has nothing to do with here. I enjoy her presence and I also enjoy being alone. It gives me time to do exactly what I want, when I want to. That gives me an inner rest hard to get in another way.

Part of this arrangement is that we put a little more focus on being together somewhere else. We eat dinner together, or shower together, or plan an activity for the weekend to do together. You could say to keep the average at a healthy level.

I recommend you self reflect what you liked about being alone. Find what you like and how you can implement parts of that in your current setting. And this can be a work in process and evolve.
And then have the conversation with your partner. Place a little emphasis that its not about her, as people feel that it is easily.

Then: I think that trying to un-move her might turn into a relation-ender. Many people don't want to live solo and for most people moving out feels like a step back.

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Some suggestions:

• A game/movie/whatever room (mancave) where you can go for a bit
• A dedicated movie/game/whatever evening for you
• A specific moment in the week you go out, maybe to a friend
• A specific moment in the week she goes out

_{(Feel free to edit more suggestions into here)}