-9

Here's the setting:

Blake and I met while in graduate school, taking a couple of classes together. She had this quiet intelligence about her that was really attractive, and on one wintry night, I asked her out for a date - to which she agreed and we started dating.

Here's the problem:

For our third date, she invited me to dinner at her place. After dinner, we watched a movie, sitting very close to each other. She said things like, "yeah ... I've watched this movie like a million times already ..." and other things to try and hint that watching the movie wasn't the point. Yet, I still couldn't muster up enough courage to make a move on her. So we just sat there together and watched the movie in utter silence, with her periodically repeating some lines from the movie. The movie ends, and she offers me to stay the night. I agreed, volunteering to take the couch in the living room, while she went back to her bedroom to sleep.

I never got another chance to see her again after this night, and I think that I may have possibly offended Blake, by not making a move on her, even though the setting was perfect. Every time I asked her for a date after this, she said she had plans already.

And here's my question:

How can I communicate to Blake that I truly enjoyed my three dates with her and would love to see her again?

closed as primarily opinion-based by Arwen Undómiel, Anne Daunted, apaul, NVZ, Tycho's Nose Feb 3 '18 at 19:39

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • 4
    Other than asking her on more dates, had you already conveyed that you enjoyed your time together? – doctordonna Feb 3 '18 at 1:40
10

The important part of your question isn't the descriptions of what went well, it's this:

Every time I asked her for a date after this, she said she had plans already.

This makes it pretty clear she is not interested, whatever the reason may be. That means it's a pretty bad idea to actively try to get "another shot". She's decided what she prefers, and she's unlikely to be receptive to attempts to change that, even if you're complimenting her. It also means that she already knows you enjoyed it and are interested in more; you don't need to do anything more to convey it.

So my primary suggestion would simply be taking that hint, respecting the fact that she's not looking to make further plans with you, and dropping it. Yes, it's not how you wanted it to turn out, but that doesn't justify boundary-pushing.


I don't recommend this, but if you really want to try to figure out what went wrong, you could ask her, but you have to keep in mind that she doesn't have any obligations, and be incredibly careful to be respectful. Don't mention the whole "make a move" thing. Just tell her up front that you enjoyed the dates and appreciated the time she spent, but you're not trying pressure her into anything, and you're just interested to know if there's anything in particular that kept it from working for her. Do this in a single message; don't do anything that might come across as badgering her. You're already asking a favor of her by reaching out and asking for a bit more of her time to help you figure it out.

Think of this as self-improvement, not angling for a date. Keep in mind that, while you clearly enjoyed the dates and are interested, her experience was likely not the same. Yes, maybe at some point you both were happy about it, but in the end, you're saying glowing things and she's brushing you off.

And even after all that, don't be surprised if she still gives you excuses or doesn't respond. She may (justifiably) feel it's in her interests to avoid creating drama, and to avoid giving you an opportunity to argue against her reasons.

In the quite unlikely event that she actually had plans all those times, and for some reason never made an effort to work something out, but is still interested, then asking her if anything went wrong won't ruin your chances, and you'll eventually discover her views. In the far more likely event that she was trying to gently decline additional dates, you'll quickly confirm that, and you can drop it and avoid pushing her boundaries any further.

5

In your question you ask how to communicate that you'd like to go on another date. You've already communicated that. When you ask someone on another date there is a strong implicature that you want to go on another date with them.

It sounds like your real question is "How can I go on another date with this person?" There's nothing you can do to increase the odds of that happening. If you've suggested multiple dates and she always has plans. Then it's likely that she isn't interested in another date with you and is trying to let you down gently. Continuing to ask her isn't going to get her to say "yes" though it will be increasingly annoying. If you like this person I'd suggest not being annoying, and treat the situation as if she has explicitly shot you down unless provided explicit evidence to the contrary.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.