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Situation

Some days ago I went to a concert of the band of a good friend, let's call him Alex. He and his bandmates, invited a lot of friends to support them. I know Alex pretty well since we've been working together closely for more than two years now and we also regularly spend our free time together. I know his non-work related friends only loosely. Alex and his friends live in a different town about 30-40km away from where I live and even further away from the place where the concert took place.

During the evening I had a very inspiring and long conversation with a girl, who I didn't know before, let's call her Anna. We talked about a lot of different topics and emerged to a more and more personal level. I somehow felt a connection between us. As it got later Anna was texted by her parents who were also in the city, that they are nearby and could take her home by car. We said goodbye and she left almost instantly, without exchanging any contact information.

The next day, I asked Alex if he knew her, he agreed and redirected me to one of his bandmates who sent me her phone number. I wouldn't have asked him if there was a probability of meeting her again somehow, but since she lives so far away it is pretty unlikely that we would meet again. I know I should have asked Anna personally for her number but since I am a really shy person and because she left so fast I didn't do it (shame on me).

Question

Now I am unsure about how I should text or call her without being seen as creepy or indecent, because I had to ask someone else for her number. Should I talk about the fact that I didn't get the number from her and about who gave it to me? What would be the best way to open a conversation?

My goal is to avoid an awkward situation.

I was thinking of writing something like this:

"Hi, here's Fimbulvetr, I really enjoyed our conversation at the concert. I would really like to repeat that. I really forgot to ask about your number so Alex bandmate XXX gave it to me, I hope that's ok for you."

Additional information

  • I am a guy in my early twenties, she is one year younger than me
  • This question is set in Germany if it matters
  • The distances mentioned are not a problem but obviously too long to meet her again randomly

Update

I just wanted to give you a brief update on my situation. I know this question is almost two months old but nevertheless I think you deserve to know what happened :)

It turned out that Alex bandmate had already asked for her consent before giving me her number. So I wrote her a text (thanks to Laurel, Phoebe Phoebe, DaveMongoose and Stian Yttervik for your tips). Long story short we've met again and are texting on a daily basis.

Thank you all for your great ideas, you helped me very much.

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    Since Alex knows Anna personally, did you ask him if he (or his bandmate) could contact her and ask if she wants to re establish contact with you? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Feb 4 '18 at 14:42
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    Alex and his mate also just know her loosely, although better than I do since they (she and the bandmate) go to the same school and are in the same grade and Alex went to school with her years ago. I think it would be a too huge favor to ask the bandmate for but I can try. – Fimbulvetr Feb 4 '18 at 15:13
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    Off topic, but ditch the overuse of 'really' in your contact :) – Lamar Latrell Feb 12 '18 at 5:19
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    I've deleted some discussion over whether the transferring of the phone number was legal. Please don't make unsourced claims of illegality, and note that we are not here to provide legal advice or decide the legality of actions. – HDE 226868 Mar 28 '18 at 12:30
31

Contact Alex or his bandmate again and ask him to forward her your number and a brief explanation: you very much enjoyed talking to her at the concert and would like to meet her again if she's interested. (I don't think that's too much to ask for someone you work with - what does it cost him?)

This way, you leave the decision whether she wants to be in contact with you to her.

Don't mention that you have her number if you're not asked about it.

  • I'm not even sure how this could lead to OP's goals... If I got a number of a random "admirer" whom I've only met once, I'm not sure I'd be too charmed, much less confident that i'd even know what to do with it.. – tuskiomi Feb 5 '18 at 0:45
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    @tuskiomi Better to be given the number of a random "admirer" than to be contacted out of the blue by a random "admirer". – sphennings Feb 5 '18 at 4:34
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I would just contact her because really, if she did like you, it will not be creepy to her, it will be welcome. Just be very apologetic:

I'm sorry to be calling/texting you but this is the only way I could find how to contact you.

If you can WRITE to her rather than call her, it is more comfortable for her. Write something like

I don't know if you remember me, but I met you at X. We had a long conversation about XYZ. I am Alex's friend Xman and I asked him for your number/email address because I thought you were really nice/cool/great/interesting. I really enjoyed talking to you.

If she has a boyfriend already or isn't interested in you, this is probably where she will tell you her "no"—and if she does, OK, NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Don't bug her again.

Don't say you forgot to ask for her number (that sounds like you are pretty dumb)—if she hadn't left so abruptly you would have asked, I guess. I know you think you are rather shy but don't even go there. (Just the fact that you both know Alex and he gave you her number is good advertising.) Tell her you would love to take her out for coffee/lunch and continue your conversation. The trick is to ask to meet her in a nice and very public place so it doesn't feel creepy to her. If she says ok and she lives far away, then you offer to go to her town for the day and meet her there. If she doesn't want you to come to her town for some reason, well, she will tell you.

And lastly, I know this is going to sound strange... and somewhat creepy... but take it from an older lady... girls are really sensitive to smell. If you meet up with her, make sure you are squeaky clean and use a nice after-shave cologne. There is no worse turnoff than a guy who smells like dog breath. If you don't know of any, then ask some girls your age what after-shaves they really like. In my day we used to like English Leather.

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    The benefit of writing instead of calling is that she can choose if she wants to respond or not and can do so in her own time. A call requires an immediate answer, and without knowing much about her life or routine you don't know when an appropriate time would be for her to answer such a call. – DaveMongoose Feb 26 '18 at 11:48
8

Your own suggested text message seems fine. I would make a minor change (I'm not picking on the grammar as I guess it will be written in German and we just have your English translation):

"Hi, this is Fimbulvetr from the concert. I really enjoyed our conversation. I got your number via XXX - I hope you don't mind, I wanted to ask you personally but didn't get chance before you left."

I wouldn't say you 'forgot' to get her number, that seems overly casual. You wanted her number. Also don't mention Alex who didn't have her number - just say you got it from his bandmate. She might feel embarrassed if everybody in the world knows you were after her number.

All you need to say is make it clear you wanted to ask in person (nothing creepy about that when you've been talking all night anyway) and you are asking if she minds you getting her number from a mutual friend (which shows that you are concerned about not seeming creepy).

No matter how you communicate with her, she is either interested in keeping in touch, or not. You won't find out unless you ask. Everyone who is genuine is a little bit afraid of coming across as 'creepy' but so long as you show you are conscious of that I don't see how it can fail - plus by contacting her you are showing that you care more about getting in touch with her than about how you look.

6

Your own suggestion is great - however you really need to explain why you are cold-texting her asap. So move that up. And, since you are already being quite forward, don't be afraid to be direct. And do make sure to include enough information not to be immediately friend-zoned - unless that is your wish (then be ambiguous). So add a compliment and include the word "date". Here is a suggestion

"Hi, here's Fimbulvetr, we met at that xxx concert. I asked your band mate to give me your number, because I thought you were cute.

You can probably chose words yourself here, it is hard to generate a compliment when I have little to go on, but make it a compliment. You can probably make it more specific but don't go all "u had gr8 boobs." What stood out? What do you remember? Did she have a rare and attractive eye color? Did she have a cute smile? Awesome randy jokes? You pick. Don't make it too complicated is all.

I really enjoyed chatting with you at the concert. If you want to hang out, go on a date, have a coffee or a drink some time, let me know.

Now you should probably delete her number. What is creepy is if you get drunk and decide to become the worlds most charming guy and call her at 4am in the morning. That is uncool. If she wants to hang out, she'll make contact.

4

I'd suspect that, were a text from someone she doesn't know to show up without an explanation, it would be seen as really creepy. Here you start the conversation by saying you got the number from XXX, so she knows that someone you both know gave it to you. Also, you identify yourself to her and state how she can recognize you, so she knows it's not just some random person texting her who claims to have her number from a friend..

Germans as a whole are pretty direct, so I think that this would be OK. In some cultures where such directness is seen as being rude, then it could cause other problems.

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