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Today I read How do I communicate to my husband that I don't like oral sex?.

I am also from India and I really like receiving oral sex. But I have not done it with my girlfriend, since in our culture most girls believe that these types of things should be done only after marriage. We will marry in a few months.

After reading the above discussion, I fear that my girlfriend will not like to give oral sex to me. Because I really like it, her unwillingness to perform it might be an issue.

So, before our marriage, how do I ask her whether she likes it or not? Even though I have experience with oral sex, I am pretty sure that she does not. So I don't know how to explain it to her and how she can give me a good answer without knowing exactly what it is.

And I fear that if I asked it, she would think that I was going to marry her just because of sex and she may think that I have abnormal likes (If she doesn't know there is a thing called oral sex)?

So how do I ask my fiancée if she would like to have oral sex?

  • Hi! How long has it been since you're engaged or in relationship? – A J Feb 5 '18 at 9:06
  • @AJ Around 1 year....... – I am the Most Stupid Person Feb 5 '18 at 9:32
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    How much of an issue will it be? if she doesn't want to, ever, does that mean you won't want to marry her? – user6818 Feb 5 '18 at 10:52
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    Are you ready to give her the equivalent pleasure also? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Feb 5 '18 at 13:55
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    @AnneDaunted No, I think I don't like it, Yes I know that it is unfair... But... I don't know what to say... But I like receiving, but not giving... But she request I can try, but I am sure that she won't request... – I am the Most Stupid Person Feb 6 '18 at 3:24
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As an Indian I am familiar with the social and cultural circumstances that make it difficult for you to ask your future wife the direct question on such an intimate subject. However I would suggest that a lot would depend on whether your marriage is an arranged marriage or a love marriage.

If it is an arranged marriage then you are very right to be apprehensive that your question might be badly received and misunderstood. If the girl comes from an orthodox family and happens to have 'strict' opinions about such matters it might even endanger the marriage-engagement. So I would actually advise you to even ask the question only if you are very sure that she will not misunderstand you, and I strongly suggest that you be very cautious here. You can still ask the direct question if the topic of sex comes up naturally during your discussions, as noted in the earlier answer by @AJ. You would feel more confident if you and your fiancee have been interacting a lot after your engagement, have formed a good rapport with each other and are comfortable with talking about such sensitive topics. Or else you can try to assess her overall attitudes and opinions about such matters and decide when you can 'safely' ask the question.

However, if it is a love marriage (as appears likely since you refer to her as your girlfriend) then you have much more license to ask her outright if she will like to perform the particular act. You need not hesitate to ask, because you are already in a relationship, and physically intimate with her to a limited extent. May I only caution you that you need to anticipate she may not like to do it and it is her right to dislike any particular act. So you can think in advance how her possible refusal would affect your marriage outcome.

In either case, assuming you are able to be comfortable with asking her, it's always better to ask the direct and explicit question because indirect phrasing or euphemism carries the risk that if the person does not understand what you are asking, she might possibly say "yes" as many of us Indians tend to do, and it could lead to a great deal of confusion in your future married life. You should also be careful to avoid insulting her: be sure you don't unintentionally imply that she has any previous experience of such matters, as pointed out by by user @AllTheKingsHorses in a comment.

Further, based on the clearly expressed understanding that you and your fiancee shall try anything only after marriage, you can take @Kate Gregory's wise advice as stated in a comment here:

rather than asking her if she would like to do it, ask her if she would like to try doing it with you. This is more specific, doesn't presume she has done it before and knows what it's like, and emphasizes that it would be as part of your relationship. She may be willing to try it and discover she doesn't like it. That's not the same as not being willing to even try it, right? You two can learn how to do things like this together.

However, her reply (if you ask her before marriage) could vary from "willing to try after marriage" to "will not even consider the idea" depending on which you can decide whether or not it would be a deal-breaker, and the two of you can take a final decision accordingly.

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    OP can absolutely not talk about sex with the girl's parents @Anne Daunted, but he can discuss it with his fiancee even if it's an arranged marriage, provided they have been interacting a lot after engagement, have formed a good rapport with each other and are comfortable with talking about such sensitive topics. If it is found to be a deal breaker then they will find a way of communicating the matter 'diplomatically' to their parents. – English Student Feb 5 '18 at 18:36
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    Thank you for giving me insights into Indian arranged marriages. – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Feb 5 '18 at 18:41
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    One suggestion: rather than asking her if she would like to do it, ask her if she would like to try doing it with you. This is more specific, doesn't presume she has done it before and knows what it's like, and emphasizes that it would be as part of your relationship. She may be willing to try it and discover she doesn't like it. That's not the same as not being willing to even try it, right? You two can learn how to do things like this together. – Kate Gregory Feb 5 '18 at 19:15
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    @EnglishStudent "they can't try anything till they get officially married" - I assumed that would be the case and it is why I find this question so difficult to answer. Ultimately, she'll likely only be able to say whether she likes oral sex with OP after trying it, possibly several times - but societal expectations are that she doesn't try it. So kudos for writing a thoughtful and helpful answer anyway. If I can suggest an addition: OP should probably not mention his assumptions about her having or not having had oral sex. Whichever is the case, she may feel judged. – AllTheKingsHorses Feb 5 '18 at 21:15
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    @EnglishStudent What I (also) meant was: maybe she has untraditional ideas about sexuality and would resent an implication that she isn't and/or should not be experienced. Clearly, there is a double standard if he gets to explore before marriage and she doesn't - but there's no need to remind her of this inequality. – AllTheKingsHorses Feb 6 '18 at 9:04
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I think that the key is in your statement:

Even though I have experience with oral sex, I am pretty sure that she does not. So I don't know how to explain it to her and how she can give me a good answer without knowing exactly what it is.

Exactly! Her answer would have no value!

As you are "pretty sure", any answer she would give you would be just an answer based on her current social and religious standpoint. And even in the western culture, where we probably speak more openly about sex with our girlfriends, oral sex is getting popular relatively only recently (http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/human_nature/2008/05/openmouthed_wonder.html - the article is written by a journalist but he quotes quite respectable authors).

The successful long-time-relationship couples keep developing their sexual behaviour and practices over time. What a man or a woman likes now, they do not necessarily like in 5 years, and vice versa. Some women might need years before they start liking oral sex. Some women start hating it after some time.

Maybe you should rather answer another question, something like:

Do I love her so much that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her, constantly working on building our relationship, and working on our common searching what we both like in sex and how to please each other?

And even more provocative question:

Do I want to accept her even if there is the risk that she will never start liking oral sex?

If your answer is yes to both, then you may start talking with her about oral sex. And do not be afraid. Because then you are ready to discuss it non-manipulatively, without her feeling pushed, without a gun at her head ("I will not marry you if you don't like oral sex").

If your answer is no and if the oral sex is for you something without which you cannot marry her, maybe it's time to find another girlfriend. I am not telling you that you are bad because of that, just that it means a certain priority in your value system and you should chose your life partner according to your priorities. However I am still warning you that your girlfriend liking oral sex is not a guarantee for a happy relationship :)

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The best way to negotiate this is in a natural context of sexual intimacy.

As you and your partner learn to trust each other and relish your own and each other's pleasure, your desire to satisfy the other's particular preferences will only increase.

Any attempt to negotiate a particular sexual practice like a business deal is likely to be a huge turn-off for many women, and therefore tremendously counter-productive. This is especially true if the woman feels blackmailed, even implicitly (e.g. I will be displeased with you if you reject my sexual advances).

From your description, it is way too early to know whether your partner will want to engage in oral sex of either type.

I recommend that you view your sexual relationship with her as a special hidden garden. You can bring out the best in your garden by tending it carefully: Take time to find out what pleases her. Take time to allow her to discover what pleases you. I'm referring both to specific practices (e.g. oral sex) as well as the where, when, how often, etc., etc.

The more satisfied your partner is with sex, the better your chances in the upcoming negotiation.

There could be some imbalance when one partner is more experienced than the other. However, a sensitive more experienced partner will realize that there is a special joy in not playing the role of "experienced teacher," and in allowing yourselves to figure things out together as you go along. It can be helpful to check in frequently with the less experienced partner, to see how s/he is feeling, and to encourage her/him to take an active role in initiating and trying out ideas.

Cultural expectations and sexual scripts can get in the way of the partners finding a good balance between active and passive. Strong mutual trust is the key to letting go of these culturally-normed sexual scripts.

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It's a typical part, isn't it? However, talking is the key here. Being from the same culture, I can tell you should not ask it directly as this could endanger the marriage. I'd agree with you when you say this is a very delicate thing and she might think that you're getting married only for sex.

Therefore, I'd suggest trying this only when the topic of sex comes up during the conversation. Since asking directly is a big no in Indian culture, use a euphemism. So, try asking like "would she like to try going down".

If she doesn't understand this sentence, you can try a more direct approach, but only during intimate moments as you have already said about getting intimate a couple of times.

However, you can vary these approaches. If she says yes, then it's all good.

But if she says no, then you should accept it. Maybe she will like to do this in future, but you shouldn't pressurize her. If you can't accept no, then it might be time to consider whether this will break the marriage or not.

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