How do I tell a friend I can't afford her wedding?

Question

TL;DR – How do I tell a childhood friend (who has been spoiled her whole life) that both my parents and I most likely cannot afford to travel for her wedding (to which I am to be a bridesmaid) without making her angry/defensive?.

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Background

Anne and I have been close friends since we were children, as our families are close (her mother is my sister's godmother, my dad is basically the father she never had, etc.). Despite our families closeness, we live ~ 900km apart, thus limiting time spent together to a week every summer when they would visit us. Enter Jack. Anne met Jack four years ago. They got engaged in 2016, the wedding is ‘planned’ for 2019. She asked me to be a bridesmaid shortly after they got engaged last year. They've just recently decided to have a destination wedding.

I moved to their Town 3 years ago for college (using student loans for tuition and rent), and graduated in 2016. After grad I lived with them briefly, for very generously discounted rent.

As Anne’s parents divorced when she was young and her father wasn’t around after that, her grandmother moved in with them and became the second parent to Anne and her sister. Sadly, Grandmother passed away last year, and they are still figuring out how to live without her. Apparently, Grandmother used to spoil them a bit – Anne+sister and Mother. Currently, Anne and Jack are living in Anne’s mother’s basement apartment for discounted rent (they consider the basement apt to be moved out).

Jack was extremely spoiled all his life (to the point where he didn’t know how to pack his own suitcase for a 2-week vacation – he’s 24). Anne has never really lived away from home.

After a few stressful months of living there, I finally found a job in my field just before Christmas (Excitement! :D) and almost immediately moved into a cheap boarding house.

Anne’s mother insinuated that she wanted me to stay at her house (she likes having someone around to chat since her kids have 'moved out'). Her argument was cheaper rent to counter the higher gas bill of driving 30 minutes to work (driving away from Town center and thus against morning traffic). As I have anxiety and had depression issues in the past, I couldn’t handle living there anymore (different lifestyles making my anxierty spiral) - or confrontation. I told her I needed to keep the mileage on my old car as low as possible as to not wear it out faster as my ‘excuse’ for moving.

Problem

Anne and Jack have decided that they’re getting married “down south” (a tropical resort somewhere like Cuba – they haven’t gotten more specific than that yet). Anne had asked me to be a bridesmaid before they chose this location.

As I am working an entry level help desk job and have four years of student debt, I doubt highly that this time next year I will have $2000~ to go down south. I only get 5 vacation days next year, and none for this year, therefore I would take unpaid days off. However, the money is the only thing I'm worrying about right now. My employer is really lenient, I'm almost positive we could work something out for time off. I don’t yet have any savings, and am basically still living paycheck to paycheck (have only been working 2 months). As a bridesmaid I would also be paying for my own dress/hair/makeup as well, though I'm not involved in planning the bachelorette party and such.

I’ve talked to my parents about it, and they don’t think they are going to be able to swing it either. From experience, if my parents tell Anne’s mother they can’t make it, she’ll probably get defensive and/or miffed.

Question

How do I tell my friend that both my parents and I probably won’t be able to afford traveling such a distance for her wedding, without her taking it personally and getting angry/defensive?

Answer 1

You need to say "no" to Anne while minimizing damage to the friendship. That's hard, but you can convey that you care, gently let her down, and look for alternatives. In this particular case it might even be a little easier, because you're probably not the only invitee who can't afford to make the trip. I recommend something like this:

Anne, I'm really excited for you and Jack, and I'm honored that you'd like me to be part of your celebration. I just can't attend a distant wedding, unfortunately; I don't have enough vacation days and I won't be able to save up that much money. I do want to be part of your celebration, though. Are you going to have a local reception too for the friends who can't attend the ceremony in Cuba? Could I be part of that?

Key points:

• Start on a positive note: you're happy for her!
• You have difficulties. Avoid any language like "because you're doing this in Cuba"; you don't have the vacation, you can't afford it, but you're not judging her or her choices. (Optionally, you could say something like "you know how it is, just getting started after school", if you think she does and this would help.)
• Propose another way to be involved. By moving directly to this, you (with luck) forestall a discussion of your finances. The last words out of your mouth will probably be the first ones she responds to, so this is your chance to control the direction of the conversation.

I haven't had that particular difficult conversation with a friend, but I've had others where I had to gently say no to something that was really important to the other person. This answer is based on that experience.

Answer 2

I would be straight-forward and direct about it. Simply state the facts:

I am very happy for you and I am honored that you've asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I don't have the financial resources nor the vacation days available to allow me to attend. Please accept my regrets.

NOTE: in the world of manners, you do not owe your friend anything for missing the wedding. Deciding to have a "destination wedding" or to require extravagant expenses for a wedding is deciding that some will not be able to attend.

Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that your friend will like your answer. Many people in her situation assert that if you really wanted to be there you'd find a way, and while it's true that if your life depended on it you could probably finagle your way there, inviting someone to spend thousands of dollars and use all of their foreseeable vacation days to come celebrate your wedding isn't remotely polite.

EDIT: as @mickburkejnr points out, it is very important to be prompt in letting her know. Presumably, she will have to select a new bridesmaid, so it will make things easier on her to know earlier. Also, giving her quick feedback may help her understand that attending is simply impossible and not triggered by you deciding to do something else.

Answer 3

If she is your friend and you tell her the truth, she will attempt to help you be there for her. She will develop a solution instead of blaming you or holding it against you. If not, then she is not a true friend or you are simply her emotional crutch.

Friendship is based on trust. Being able to tell each other the truth is a test of that trust. You're not being harsh or uncaring for expecting that trust.

I would simply be honest with her. "I want to be there for you but I cannot afford it and I feel terrible about it. How can WE fix this?". If she is a true friend, she will not get upset with you. She may get upset at the situation. However, she should then try to find a solution that works instead of just being angry. Anything else is just emotionally irrational.

Answer 4

Anne, I understand you would like to go to an exotic place, but I'm not sure I'll be able to afford the travel. I would be really sad if you do not wed in your dream place because of me, as I would be really sad too if I missed your wedding. I don't know what to do and I need to talk to you about it, our friendship is immensely important to me

edit: I sure can. I just assumed that shorter was better ;)

Let's dive in the details:

Anne, I understand you would like to go to an exotic place,

You need to acknowledge her wish: having the wedding of her dreams. If she gets to give it up, she needs to know that you're fully aware of her initial intention. She needs to know that you know that it's a dream for her.

but I'm not sure I'll be able to afford the travel

Because you need to tell her the truth

I would be really sad if you do not wed in your dream place because of me

Which is true, otherwise you would have just asked her to change her plans, but you don't want to because it would make you sad. You don't feel entitled to even ask her to change her plans.

as I would be really sad too if I missed your wedding.

I think that's pretty obvious

I don't know what to do

Currently, you think you know what to do and that implies telling her you simply can't go. There are other options, but all of which imply her participation, which you assume is probably not an option, reasons that would be interesting to dig.

and I need to talk to you about it

Because she has to be involved in the decision. You're suffering and she's your friend. You're asking her for help, genuinely.

our friendship is immensely important to me

You need to make sure she knows how important her friendship is to you. Even if you were to miss her wedding, you would never want this loss to be used as an excuse to diminish the strength of your friendship ("she didn't come to my wedding anyway"). This is mandatory to make her realize that simply saying "oh, too bad, I'm so sorry you can't come" is not an option.

You can then insert your parents in the discussion later. When the discussion is engaged, this part will be easy.

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What will happen is the following: maybe she didn't realize how costly it would be for others. She will change her wedding location to suit you and your parent needs, then do a party or a second wedding on her exotic location.

If she persist in wedding at an expensive location, maybe she does not want you that much (unlikely according to your initial post).

If she really needs you and the exotic island, she would be able to financially help you, because that's what friends do.

Hope it gave a little bit more context to this initially short answer :)

Answer 5

You probably know your friend way better than any of us do, so this is really hard to answer for you. However, I liked the answers suggesting that you should be open to your friend about everything. It is not a shame to have debts, especially not in today's economy, and many of us have huge student debts. So, if your friend is truly your friend then your financial situation should be important to her. If her luck will be the cause of your suffering in the future, should this not concern her?

As far as your problem goes, probably a good approach would be for you to open up, is to bring up some memories and express the closeness of the two of you. Once you get her attention then slowly introduce your problem the same way you expressed it in this post, i.e. you cannot afford the trip or cost for the dress, also mention your student loan, etc. Tell her that this would strain you in every possible way, and had situation been different for you than you would never hesitate to say yes.

Wait for her reaction, and even if she reacts in a negative way tell her that you care about your friendship, but that you cannot be part of her current plans, as they are not working out for you.

On the other hand, what do you know, if you open up to her and her family maybe your friend, and her family, would be able to come up with some sort of solution that could help reduce the costs for you and your family and maybe that would be acceptable?

Answer 6

I'd like to jump in and explicitly address the less concrete part of your question. The answers here for how you tell her are spot on, and at their heart, you:

1. pretend you neither know nor care about your perception of her as spoiled,
2. remember that you love her and are genuinely happy for her, and
3. tell her as honestly as you can, focusing on your logistical issues and not her decisions.

The other part, though, is "without making her angry/defensive." You can't control her reaction. It's neither feasible for you nor fair for her. If she takes those feelings out on you, you can say,

I'm sorry we can't manage the trip. I don't want to be talked to like that, so let's talk about it another time. I want to be able to share your happiness, not argue.

I hope the conversation goes better than you fear.

Answer 7

A complement to the good answers already here:

Don't put this off. You really, really want to have this conversation sooner rather than later.

They're still choosing the place. If enough of their close friends and family won't make it, they might still change their minds and do a local wedding. Obviously, don't ask for it, that would be very rude. It's their prerogative to marry where they wish regardless of who can come. But it may happen if they get enough feedback, early enough.

If they're sufficiently spoiled, it might not even have occurred to them yet that many guests will not be able to attend.

After they signed a contract with a venue, put money down, and buy tickets for themselves, though, it's pretty much set in stone. So, timing matters.

If it doesn't happen, it'll still be better if she has plenty of time to invite another bridesmaid, and another still if the next one also can't come.

Answer 8

You may be screwed either way. Some people just don't understand these things. We lost a good friendship when we weren't able to travel many hundreds of miles to attend a wedding.

We tried to be nice about it, but it didn't matter. Unfortunately, that's how it goes sometimes.

Just ensure she knows that you would really like to go and that it's not because you want something else more. You will want her not to think that you have the money and that you choose to spend it on something else.

Answer 9

I'd say:

Anne, have you decided on the location yet? I really want to be there for you, but I'm worried that I might not be able to afford it.

If you know destination:

Cuba sounds awesome. But I don't think I could afford going there. I feel so terrible because I really want to be there for you.

Are you sure it will be ~$2000? I just googled "travel to cuba" and it seems tickets are $200-$400, depending on where you are flying from. Can you afford $400 for the flight?

Think about it and decide on the budget. Then take 50-75% of that amount and tell her that's how much you can afford. For example, if you think you could afford $600, tell her your budget is $400.

Knowing the destination and the cost of the flight I might say:

The money is tight, but I guess I could pay for the flight. But I have no idea how to come up with the money for the hotel and any other expenses I might have there.

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UPDATE:

Why do you suggest telling her your budget is smaller than it actually is?

Two reasons:

1. the friend might try to stretch it
2. there can always be unexpected expenses, so it's always a good idea to leave some wiggle room. The tighter the money situation, the more wiggle room you need.

Also, being a bridesmaid is more than just flight + hotel, it usually involves paying for a fancy dress, shoes, makeup, hair, jewelry, gifts - this may be a factor in why the estimate is so much higher

I aware of that there is more than flight and hotel, however:

• based on my understanding of the question, there was no financial problem before the idea of destination wedding came up
• and in my answer I suggested saying:

...I could pay for the flight. But I have no idea how to come up with the money for the hotel and any other expenses...

When I got married, I told all my overseas guests that they shouldn't bring any gifts. Considering the cost of the flight, their presence was the present. Also, I turned my house to a make-shift hotel for them. We didn't force any clothing choice on anyone in attendance. And we had an awesome party.

I was a bridesmaid twice, and both times I was free to pick my clothing (I think the color was suggested).

I feel that people spend way too much money on weddings. And those expensive bridesmaid dresses that can never be worn again? I just don't get it.

If that person wants to have a destination wedding, she shouldn't expect people to spend as much money for outfit and gifts as for a local wedding.