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I am really interested in this guy. I told him I like him and he said he thought I was cute but he was in a mono relationship right now and would still like to talk to me and get to know me. I still want to get to know him and be friends with him, but he takes days to reply or even a week. (usually I have to send him a message again when he is online so he replies)

I don't have his number so I can't text him. He does have social media, but doesn't have the apps for it so he uses his laptop. On fb people usually click the blimps and forget about whether someone messaged them or there is a notification. I do that too. I don't know how to talk to this person if we can't even meet in real life (no common ground, no same classes or anything)

Question: How do I make plans to talk to them and get to know them if they don't use social media that much?

EDIT: I mentioned more information in the comments so here is that information: I met him on the dating app while they were poly.

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    How did you even meet in the first place? And he is in a "mono relationship", I guess that means he has a girlfriend already, so are you sure you want to try to break in there?
    – AK_is_curious
    Feb 16, 2018 at 16:35
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    @AK_is_curious We met on a dating app. They were a poly couple before. I kind of see hope because of that.
    – user12433
    Feb 16, 2018 at 16:37
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    You should probably include that bit in your question, it meaningfully changes what you're asking here.
    – apaul
    Feb 16, 2018 at 17:05
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    I just want to get to know this guy and be friends because he's super chill and is part of lgbt. Not many people where I live are from that community. If it organically evolves into something else I would not mind that.
    – user12433
    Feb 16, 2018 at 23:13
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    That makes sense. Next time around, try to ask what you're asking a little more directly, we're not all that judgey around here and some of us have experience in those areas ;)
    – apaul
    Feb 16, 2018 at 23:20

4 Answers 4

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You could just ask.

If he's interested in getting to know you better, and wants to invest the time, asking him for his phone number or for a way to contact him is a pretty reasonable thing to do.

Believe it or not, people used to communicate without social media. Way back in the way back, if you wanted to get to know someone you'd ask them for their phone number, call them up, and ask if they wanted to get together in person. I know that may seem antiquated, but it still works.

After reading comments, I'm thinking there's a bit more to this situation/question...

You mentioned meeting them on a dating site and that they used to be in a polyamorous relationship. I would recommend treading very carefully here. Couples that used to be polyamorous usually have reasons that it's a past tense thing. This should be a huge red flag.

Chances are pretty good that they tried it and it ended badly. Their relationship may not be in a great place as a result, particularly if one partner is still talking/flirting outside of what is now a monogamous relationship.

I'm not saying that you can't make friends, but be very very careful about anything more than that. Some people aren't as ethically polyamorous as they seem to be online, and you may find yourself in a toxic situation if you pursue something more.

If you decide to try to pursue anything with this person, friendship or something more, ask to meet their partner. If they seem hesitant about that, there's a pretty good chance that things aren't on the up and up.

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    Importantly people who until recently were poly are likely to be more sensitive about relationship boundaries, and perceived boundary violations.
    – sphennings
    Feb 16, 2018 at 18:57
  • Great advice all around. I want to emphasize one thing about the last part: "seem hesitant about [you meeting their partner]" is a rather fuzzy condition that needs to be evaluated in a way calibrated to the person and precisely what your request was like. I've had several situations where someone asked or suggested that I have my partner join us for some specific activity where I know she should not be interested, and my social skillset at the time was insufficent to answer that in a way that didn't "seem hesitant" and instead comfortably opened the door for other possible meetings.
    – mtraceur
    Feb 17, 2018 at 2:04
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Is it absolutely impossible for you both to meet? Because, if not, that is the surest way to become friends. As you have noted in your comment, real life interactions are preferable.

However, if there's really no way to meet, here are some alternatives:

  1. Invite him to online chat games like "Guess it in 20 messages", or random emoji games that are fun to play together. As spending time with each other is the only way to get closer, on an online interface, this is one of the coolest things you guys can do. If you think that he might not like it, there's no harm in trying... If he likes it, you're set, but if he doesn't, just change the topic to something he's REALLY interested in.

  2. Encourage him to maintain a stronger social media presence. That way, he'll reply to your messages more, and you'll be able to do what you were trying earlier.

  3. Have a fixed time to talk, every week or day, whichever's more convenient.

  4. As @apaul said in his short and brillz answer, ask for his number. My parents started out that way too. Result: me!!

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Basically, if a person is interested in you then they will be present in your life. This is because they will be feeling how you are feeling right now, and will strive to be in contact. This is a question of realisation and acceptance, you have to realise these points:

  1. Your person is not big on social media, this could very well be because he is cautious and considers his privacy very important to him. - there is nothing wrong with being private and it is probably being cautious, therefore repeated attempts at contact might be alienating him. or he may just be enjoying your idolisation.

  2. If a person wishes to be closer to you, you will know because they will always be at hand in one way or another and will make moves to stay in contact. This is a sad lesson but a true one - pushing a situation with nothing coming the other way will most probably end in a fruitless relationship.

  3. We cannot always have what we want, nor should we try to trick our way into getting it. Either things will just happen for us or they will not. It is better not to dream about things that are not there in reality.

My answer is that you should stop trying to contact this person. If you get nothing from that point then you have your answer. If you do get some more interaction then just be yourself, do not be pushy or keen to further things, but allow this to develop naturally. Always be yourself, and make sure that you are getting his true self so that you are loving each other for the right reasons. So sadly stop chasing, wait and see and accept the outcome without being sad about it. Avoid heartache later on when it is too late.

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Don't push it.

  1. He has a GF now.

  2. He's a guy and you're a female. (I know I will get static for this. But our culture has not become completely symmetrical in courtship culture. It will go better for you if you let the man make a move. There are some subtle ways to at least let him know receptivity (smiling and such) if you are worried he is shy. But bottom line, making the first direct move won't work out. Cold hard truth.)

  3. He may not be that interested in you. You've already basically let him know you are available. And he hasn't taken any more initiative. It's not even if you were playing it that super close to the vest. Ball is in his court and he's not acting.

P.s. I have to be glad that social media did not exist in the past as it was harder for someone to hang out and just try to get noticed in your feed or texting you or the like. (And pester.)

Instead of worring about this guy look for another one. Oh...and do some activities, not just electronic stuff. Go to parties, bars, join a running club, etc.

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    From what did you get the "you're a female"?
    – Paŭlo Ebermann
    Feb 16, 2018 at 20:16
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    Just an fyi, I downvoted because of your assumptions. You don't really know gender or culture and just assumed and laid on a thick layer of hetero-normative gender biased roles. Not all people interested in men are women, and not all men/women fit the roles you're assigning.
    – apaul
    Feb 16, 2018 at 22:26
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    I'm a male and pansexual as is he.
    – user12433
    Feb 16, 2018 at 23:14
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    You are right, if the woman makes the first move it doesnt work... i am still waiting for my 8 years relationship, that spawned a baby, a home, a family, to break, because I didn't do the first move and my GF did..... come on man, this is just absurd generalization.....
    – Patrice
    Feb 17, 2018 at 14:46
  • I don't know about getting static, but you will get my downvote. :( An unjustified assumption isn't good when it turns out to be right. When it turns out to be wrong, it's worse. Other than that, apaul said pretty much everything I would have.
    – Obie 2.0
    Feb 19, 2018 at 3:28

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