My friend "Alice" has an older boyfriend. He asked me out on a date right in front of her today. I looked at Alice, and she turned away.

I didn't know if this was a dare or serious, so I called him a jerk for asking me out, especially in her presence.

Alice later came to me and told me that her bf didn't care about her, and kinda started laying her emotional load on me. (So it wasn't a dare...)

I don't know what to do, because I don't want to be a part of this kinda thing. I feel that this is best left between them both, but I'm being dragged into this by Alice, who considers me as some kind of emotional problem solver. (Maybe I should send her to this Stack Exchange? XD)

My question is, how should I try and come out of this situation without hurting Alice?


I found out yesterday after asking that Alice's bf is 19, and I was scared as hell. My mom spoke to him today, so no issues with him anymore. Alice is a neighbor, BTW, not a school friend.

I know it's extremely weird, I just didn't know how old he was when he asked me out. However, Alice is 16, and I'm sure she knows how to do her thing with a 19 year old.

In response to @KingGraham and @AlexandreAudin's comments: Since she's older than me, I found it weird that she was confiding in me, and that her boyfriend asked me out when I found out his age. Maybe her boyfriend didn't know how old I was either, because I was hanging out with a 16 year old, and I'm really tall...

In response to @TinkeringBell's comment, my main problem is to get out of the emotional load of an older friend.

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    @aparente001 Why shouldn't it? We generally prefer that questions identify their region in case it affects answers.
    – Catija
    Feb 20, 2018 at 3:06
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    Is Alice that girl who was mean to you at school ?
    – Rolexel
    Feb 20, 2018 at 8:21
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    @alexandreaudin I don't understand how you made that connection from the question
    – Hex
    Feb 20, 2018 at 9:32
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    @KingGraham The OP is a 13 yo girl who asked a few days ago how to deal with a girl giving her hard time at school. She followed some advices about putting that girl back to where she belongs, and she talked about how that girl's bf giggled when she did so. If that girl is the same here, then this boy also is.And if he is, it seems he's nothing more than a 13yo brat. Which can change the kind of advices to give here.
    – Rolexel
    Feb 20, 2018 at 9:52
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    @Rocky_CherryBlast on a different note it's odd for a 19 year old to be asking a 13 year old out on a date, if Alice is the same age as you I'd consider talking to an adult about the situation as it doesn't sit right with me. (UK here, not sure what US state you're in)
    – Hex
    Feb 20, 2018 at 10:32

2 Answers 2


It might be that she does not see you as your emotional problem solver or expects something like that. I believe it to be more likely that she might just need someone to talk to, to vent.

Everyone needs someone he can turn to if things go wrong, and maybe she does not have anyone else to talk to. And as it seems she has big, big relationship problems which can be a huge burden for someone.

To answer your question: I don't really think that you can stay uninvolved without really hurting your friend a bit as it shows disinterest in her life and her needs but the best thing you can do is to have an honest talk with her and state what you said here. That it is something you are not comfortable with and that it should stay between the two of them, and that they should work on it. But that you wish them the best! This way you show that you'd rather stay uninvolved in their problems but that you still wish for their problems to turn out well.

BUT, to throw my personal opinion in as well: Just meet up with her someplace nice, like for example, go for a coffee and let her talk. Just let her vent and you listen. Noone can solve other peoples relationship problems, and I am sure she knows that, but by simply listening you can show that you are a good friend of hers and that you care for her.

And yes you could give her the tip to visit this site, but explain to her what to expect here and what help she can find here because not everything is fit for Interpersonal SE. New people are always awesome :)

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    @Tinkeringbell Thank you, forgot about that aspect in OP's question
    – MansNotHot
    Feb 20, 2018 at 8:59

I'll try to take you slightly literally here. You ask: How to get out of [their] interpersonal problems without hurting their feelings. You can help her but still not get involved interpersonally. As others said in the comments, she very probably needs to vent it, and you were a number one choice for her, it doesn't really matter why.

First, set up your boundaries in which you feel comfortable. If you don't want to get involved, the most natural boundary is that you are fine talking with her and letting her share her feelings with you, but you're not fine with any other action. Especially you are not fine doing anything, writing anyone, talking to anyone else.

If you decide this way, then just explain this to her when you meet, the important thing is to emphasize what you feel comfortable doing:

I'm happy to see you and open to discussing this issue. Just please note that do not feel comfortable getting involved in this.

Chances are high that she'll still appreciate meeting you and you'll still help her a lot emotionally. If she keeps insisting you do more, repeat yourself, moving from "note that ..." to "please do not push me":

Well, this is your battle to fight and I'm not going to get actively involved, as I told you, I don't feel comfortable doing so. So please do not push me into this.

If this escalation does not help, remember you are always free to quit from the situation. And if she insist you get involved, it's actually a good thing not to get involved as you're younger than both of them.

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