How can one stop dubious advances of a married former partner without hurting them a lot?

Question

I am sorry if this is a duplicate, the closest situation I could find here is this one. This is a bit long but given that I am not entirely sure if there was any advance to be concerned about in the first place, I think it is important.

Context

I was friends with Alice for a couple of years back when I was in High School and we enjoyed each other's company a lot. We dated casually for a while till we eventually drifted apart because we were both young and wanted to explore other possibilities and of course, college. That was 2010. It was not a bad break up or anything, we parted on amiable terms, but as it happens, we got out of touch entirely over the years.

Only contact that I have had with her since then was through mutual friends. Heard she met another guy and married about three years ago.

But then I got a text from her a few days ago (Please note all the communication below is via social media, we both live in different cities now). I found that odd but I was happy to catch up with her. I asked her if she needed something, she replied she only wanted to see how I was doing. I asked about her new life, found out she's a mum now and dropped out of college for some reason. She asked me if I was seeing someone, I answered honestly that I wasn't.

The catching up continued well onto the next day so again, I asked her subtly that why is she contacting me after all these years. She first gave me the old "catching up" reason but later admitted that her husband was abroad for some reason and she's been feeling rather lonely. To handle that, she says, she decided to use this time to catch up with all the friends she's gotten out of touch with lately.

It's not that I didn't enjoy talking to her again but something just felt off. Knowing her, I knew she will tell me what's wrong when she wants to. And she did, a couple of days later she told me about her marital issues, how she and her husband were drifting apart and how her husband is a suspicious/smothering kind of person. She drew parallels between me and her husband and how we are so different and he does not appreciate her at all. I listened, because well, I wasn't asked for an advice and it's not my place to meddle in her personal affairs.

The breaking point was when she asked me to switch to another app. I asked why's that? She replied that she doesn't want her husband to find out that we have been talking because of his suspicious nature. I told her that if her husband is not okay with her doing that, she should not be doing that without taking him in confidence. What followed was an emotional deluge. She went into extreme details about how she is unhappy with him, how her life is crumbling apart and how she is not trying to cheat on her husband, she just wants to be heard by someone she knows who cares, who values her etc. I spent the next fifteen minutes talking her into discussing all this with her husband and reminding her if she really wants her son to grow up in a broken family (She's always had strong views on a strong traditional family). She just wouldn't stop asking me to stay in contact with her. I told her that while I can't stop her from going behind her husband's back and possibly sabotaging her marriage, I refuse to be a part of it. With that I said goodbye. I got a few calls which I did not receive and then another call the next day that she is trying to stop bothering me but it is hard for her. I told her that's because it's the right thing and that I did not wish to be in any form of contact with her if she was going to keep it a secret from her husband. And after that I did not hear from her but she sounded pretty hurt.

The Question

I think I did the right thing but I still feel like I did it horribly. Of course it was going to hurt but she seemed very distressed. The ship's sailed but I'd still like to know if I could have done it in a better way?

My goal was:

1. To convey to Alice that while I am not seeing anyone at the moment, I just don't feel that way about her any longer.
2. To firmly establish that I won't get into any sort of "secret relation" with her without accusing her that she is trying to cheat on her husband given that I am not entirely sure if that's what she wanted.
3. As a former friend, I do have her interests at my heart and I don't want her to throw away her marriage like that. If she wants to end things with her husband, she should do precisely that instead of seeking out former romantic interests to stay in touch with her secretly.

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_{Full disclosure, I am an old member of the wider Stack Exchange (Although not of this SE). The reason why I am using an anonymous account is because I don't like discussing my personal affairs like this. I can't discuss it with old friends or family because they do know her (I don't want this one moment to redefine their perception of her as a person). You can say that this anonymity is the shield I am hiding behind. I won't be upvoting this via my real account.}

Answer 1

The distress you're feeling is only natural as a result of Alice's emotional outburst, however you've done nothing wrong, and should you ever go though a similar episode again, there's really nothing much that you should do differently.

Let's analyze the situation:

• You've seriously drifted apart from Alice over the past 8 years (a significant time-frame).
• She went out of her way to contact you, not the other way around.
• She was unloading her emotional baggage on you, and you were kind enough to allow her this.
• She asked you to switch to a different platform, which sent your spidey-senses tingling.
• When you requested clarification, she broke down and told you that she wants to keep your conversations a secret from her husband, which was something that you were not comfortable with, and did not want to be a part of.
• You firmly stood behind your principles, and laid down some rules for your continued interaction (aka transparency with her spouse).
• She did not acquiesce to your request, and tried to make you change your mind.
• You decided to cut her off, because you don't want to be involved with that sort of drama.

In all this, you've done nothing wrong. You have my respect for standing on your principles, having the fortitude to withstand her emotional guilt tripping, and staying out of her marital drama.

You don't know all the details of her relationship. It's been 8 long years, and all the info you're getting is decidedly one sided. You are not in any way responsible for her life choices, nor do you owe her any sympathy, understanding, or advice. You engaging with her over her issues, and lending her your ear was an act of generosity, not something you should feel guilt tripped into providing, especially if it makes you complicit in her hiding things from her husband.

Perhaps the only thing you may have suggested - if she really does feel like her husband is a tyrannical entity (that was unclear) - is that she contact some local resources and get out of the house while he's away. However, I feel it bears repeating that this is the sort of advice that someone far more familiar with her situation would be better positioned to give.

Answer 2

I am writing this answer looking mainly from your point of view and I hope some other members can give us insights from the woman's perspective.

The breaking point was when she asked me to switch to another app. I asked why's that? She replied that she doesn't want her husband to find out that we have been talking because of his suspicious nature.

Red flag: since the husband is suspicious, your continued friendship in the form of a covert interaction would certainly have been misinterpreted as romance, even if it wasn't. With due respect to all parties concerned, the way you expressed yourself to Alice while disengaging from the interaction at this point might appear cold or selfish to some people, but it was technically the right way, in that you promptly and categorically told her exactly why you did not want to continue interacting with her on those terms (I mean the terms of ambiguous secrecy implied in the above extract), instead of dallying/ making excuses/ misleading/ lying to extend the interaction.

I told her that if her husband is not okay with her doing that, she should not be doing that without taking him in confidence.

You are essentially telling her that you don't feel comfortable getting involved in her marital problems. You probably said it kindly enough, and with consideration for her distress, or else you can learn to express yourself softer next time. But the fact remains that you gave her your real reasons, and if she did not get you to be a sympathetic comforter in her time of trouble then it is also true you are not her brother or cousin, and as far as I can understand from your question it is not your problem, unless you want it to be. [For example, Travis McGee makes it his business to help women in distress and punish men who physically or emotionally hurt women, but you don't have to do it if you don't want to.] You made that explicit when you had to:

She just wouldn't stop asking me to stay in contact with her. I told her that while I can't stop her from going behind her husband's back and possibly sabotaging her marriage, I refuse to be a part of it (...) and that I did not wish to be in any form of contact with her if she was going to keep it a secret from her husband.

The only reason you could've had to remain in contact with her after your assessment of the circumstances, and against your general principles, would have been if you hoped to somehow rekindle the old romantic relationship, even if she didn't. Certain individuals would welcome the opportunity to play the role of comforter to an old flame whose marriage is 'on the rocks', but it is generally considered exploitative and unethical to take any romantic advantage of a person in distress. It also appears that such 'sneaky' behavior goes against your personal values and possibly the cultural values of the society you live in.

I spent the next fifteen minutes talking her into discussing all this with her husband and reminding her if she really wants her son to grow up in a broken family (...) As a former friend, I do have her interests at my heart and I don't want her to throw away her marriage like that.

Your concern for the future and stability of her marriage may not match her personal reality and expectations. May I also point out that it is much more difficult to achieve the "without hurting" part of your objective, even if you never do or say anything that is actively hurtful. She may be disappointed or hurt just by your well justified decision to withdraw from the interaction, but getting involved with a married woman for whatever reason is a sure recipe for disaster in most parts of the world, and there really is no need to get into trouble on multiple fronts just because you might hesitate to say no for fear of hurting someone making (under the circumstances, and in her distress probably not realizing it) an unreasonable request.

Answer 3

Don't help her cheat but why not let her make her own choices?

There is a big difference between listening to her problems and cheating. I can't tell if she was being flirtatious but it sounds to me like she was in a situation where she felt she had to put on a mask from all sides. She can't turn to anyone too close or they might feel the need to get involved or let something slip or just give away their feelings to her husband. You, a relative stranger, were the perfect sounding board where she could get things off her chest.

Now if what she wants to get off her chest is clothing then fine, cut ties, but if she just wants to talk and feel safe that it will never get back to her husband then why not let her make that choice?

What if your sister came to you and made you promise that none of what you talk of would get back to her husband? There is no romantic interest there and you care for her as a friend.

I'd say get back to her and express your desire to keep things platonic but you're still there if she needs to talk with comfort of knowing she is in control of what filters back into her life. Your conversations are a sandbox for her to explore her restrained emotions.

This way you'll have stopped her advances without cutting her off from a more necessary connection.

Edit: To make it clear, this isn't to point out that you have an obligation, only that she may have an innocent reason for wanting to talk. Your question asks how to stop advances without hurting them, in short this answers says point out you aren't interested and then, if you want, keep in touch, don't assume the only reason she is talking is to pursue a romantic attachment.