Girlfriend won't let me pay for her. How can I approach the situation? [closed]

Question

My girlfriend's parents won't pay for outside school classes she wants to take (like singing, for example) and I really want to be able to give it to her. There is something I can afford, but she won't let me pay for her no matter how hard I tried to get her to.

It's really hard for me watching her parents ignoring her feelings and needs. I want to be able to supply for her and though I'm unable to pay for everything, I can pay for this particular little thing. It would make me so happy to do so. It's devastating she won't let me. How can I show her how much this means to me? How can I start a conversation about this?

Additional information (as requested)

Apparently money is an issue at her home. She is having a very hard time with the idea of "taking from me" even if not asked for. Apparently, it is nearly impossible for her to cope with paying with my money.

Her parents are really strict. They have a specific idea about her career (being a doctor) and anything that is not connected with that (e.g. singing, acting) is a privilege. Also, they really discourage her from doing stuff she likes and that is not what they like (e.g. singing, acting, dancing). Her mother does claim she is short on money, but it seems she might have a shopping addiction, along with poor management of her own money. I wouldn't be surprised if I found she has a negative balance in the bank. She repeatedly pays for stuff she probably can't afford and even makes her daughter feel bad for being a burden. ("I pay for all your stuff, the least you can do is..") Apparently, she sometimes borrows money from her daughter (which she worked for on holidays and school vacations) and doesn't pay her back with the same excuse.

Cultural and age differences

I'm almost 19 and she is 17, but she is noticeably more mature than I am. We are both from Haifa, Israel. Note that legal age is 18, so she is still legally under her parents' care. Though we are from the same place (and even the same school) the way we were raised and educated by our parents are totally different. Firstly, Israel is a pretty new country in which most of the citizens live for only 2 generations. My family is from Iraq and hers from Hungary, which is a great difference in the Israeli society. Hungarians are considered "Ashkenazic" and Iraqis are considered "Mizrahi". It was claimed that the "Mizrahi" people were discriminated against by "Ashkenazic", but her mother claims to accept all cultures. Though her repeated mention of my race and culture in the ears of her daughter hints otherwise... I should say that we are both (me and my girlfriend) more connected to the western culture than anything else.

Also, her parents are much older than mine and are practically from a generation before my own. I was raised pretty liberally while her parents are very strict and treat her more like a property than a human being with feelings.

Answer 1

People of low financial means often take money issues much more seriously than those who have money. Take it from me; I grew up in a very low income household and accepting money from people, especially friends or family, has always been incredibly difficult, or at least noteworthy. To your girlfriend, your offer is much more serious than it is to you.

If you hope to convince her to accept your gift, you must first convince her that it is not a big deal for you. Arguments about how much you care about her or how important her desires, etc. are to you are not likely to be effective. Focus on what it costs you. Are you sacrificing an opportunity by giving that to her? If so, what is it and why is it okay to lose that opportunity (from a personal standpoint, not weighing her needs against yours)? Be specific.

That being said, I think you ought to reconsider giving her a gift of this magnitude at this point. If you really hope to have a future with this girl, you must consider the fact that giving her an extravagant gift like this (her perspective) creates a power disparity in your relationship (both your perspective and hers). Money issues are notoriously difficult for many couples to overcome, so be careful not to create one so early on.

Answer 2

Your girlfriend's family issues are not something you should get involved with unless your relationship is very serious, and with her express permission. If her relationship with her parents is unhealthy (and it sounds like it might be), then that's something that she needs to tackle.

For example, if she knows that her mother is a shopping addict who literally steals from her (taking money from someone and then finding excuses not to give it back is called stealing), then she should not lend her mother any sum going forward, and let her deal with her own finances. Perhaps moving out might also be a good idea.

However, she also needs to decide what it is that she wants to do with her life. If she wants to be a doctor, then she needs to focus her efforts, and work hard at getting good grades, and getting accepted into medical school. Singing and dancing may be nice hobbies, but does she realistically have time for them?

Maybe, in her heart of hearts, she knows she does not, and you offering to pay for them is further pushing temptation to stray from her goals into her path. You need to analyze these things thoroughly before you try and force her to accept your seeming generosity.

Furthermore, you need to ask yourself how you paying for her lessons will be interpreted by not only her family, but also yours. Just how serious are you about this girl? How serious is she about you? There's some important conversations that need to be had before you start merging your finances like that.

I would suggest having some conversations with this girl:

• How serious are the two of you? Do you want to get married?
• How serious is she about wanting to be a doctor? Is that a personal goal, or just something that is being pushed on her by her parents?
• If she is serious about being a doctor, does she realistically have time for singing, or acting lessons? If she does not want to be a doctor, what does she want to do with her life? (at least a vague plan)
• Do you want to support her in achieving those goals? Is paying for singing lessons really a benefit to her becoming a doctor?
• If you really want to offer her these opportunities, for how long are you willing to pay? 10 lessons? 50? What would the "contract" between you two be? This can be a particularly scary topic for her. (She may fear that you will expect her to do X in return for paying for Y)

I hope I've outlined that there's a lot more underlying issues at play here than simply paying for singing lessons. You guys need to have a serious conversation about your lives, and relationship before you offer that sort of thing.

Answer 3

This might sound mean but, if she doesn't want you to pay for her things, why don't you just accept it and respect what she wants? As someone has mentioned, money imbalances can easily create power disparities in couples, and she is now in a vulnerable position. I strongly encourage you to respect her will. She will soon be 18 and able to make decisions without her parents' permission (and find a way to make her own money).

Answer 4

I see you already have an answer, and I completely agree with BlackThorn, but let me add something as a fellow Israeli. Your GF is 17, that means 11th grade? In two years she will be in the army. Free. Making her own choices, financially and otherwise. What she does with her military service is her choice - her parents can't affect what she writes in her Manilla, nor what she says on interviews. That part of her life would not, cannot, include them. There's no threat her parents would able to hold over her head anymore - the army would pay her, feed her, clothe her. If she doesn't wish to live with her parents during military service, that can be done - through the Mashakit Tash. (I don't think situation coming to that would make anyone happy, but it's important to know the option exists. It's liberating to have choices.)

The army is a very empowering experience. Being an adult, being treated as an adult, doing something that's real and important and your responsibility - it's big.

I used to have a relationship with my parents not too different from what you describe your GF has with hers: my parents too had a very clear idea of what I should do with my life, paid only for what they thought I should have, reminded me of the fact that they're paying, and I'm not bringing anything into the household. It's a cultural thing. As a soldier, I was able to say "I'm an adult, I make my own choices. I'd rather you accept my choices, but I won't change my decisions if you don't. You do not decide things for me anymore." Military service changed both how I saw myself, and how my parents saw me. Even how my grandparents saw me. There wasn't even an argument - I've changed the dynamics, and that was it.

In the meantime (since waiting isn't the most pleasant thing to do), does your GF's school offer arts, theatre, or music classes (for Bagrut)? Any reason why she shouldn't take that? If that's not possible, her parents clearly want her to have a good Bagrut, right? (Since you say they want her to be a doctor?) That's something she should do, whatever career she wants to pursue later. Good grades open doors: she'd get more choices of where to serve in the army, it would be easier for her to get a scholarship if she decides to go for any kind of higher education, it will look good in her CV. She's in a hard situation, certainly, but she can at least make the best of it.

Something else your GF can try to do is involve a teacher she trusts, get the teacher to talk to her parents about what she wants to do with her life. An adult in professional capacity might not be dismissed as easily as someone "young and inexperienced".

I hope this works out, for both of you!

Answer 5

Pulling out some key parts of your question (in order):

Her parents are really strict. They have a specific idea about her career (being a doctor) and anything that is not connected with that (e.g. singing, acting) is a privilege.

Also, they really discourage her from doing stuff she likes and that is not what they like (e.g. singing, acting, dancing).

She... even makes her daughter feel bad for being a burden. ("I pay for all your stuff, the least you can do is..")

Apparently, she sometimes borrows money from her daughter (which she worked for on holidays and school vacations) and doesn't pay her back with the same excuse.

These are the most important points for understanding her feelings. The only people in her life that give her money use it as a tool to manipulate her, a weapon make her feel bad, and/or an excuse to take away everything she works for. Of course she doesn't want your money. It's a trap that has already caused her a lot of grief.

Oh, but your money isn't a trap? Then you will have to convince her that it truly is a gift - no strings attached. Not a favor, not a perk of being your girlfriend, just a gift that you will enjoy giving. Would you want the money back if you broke up a month after paying for this class? Would you bring the money up if you had an argument?

No matter what, I advise caution in how you proceed. If you put too much pressure on her to accept, then you've taken her parents manipulation to a worse level - using the promise of money as a tool to coerce her.

As for how to actually convince her that it truly is a gift, I recommend honesty, since you're asking for trust, and honesty builds trust most surely.

Answer 6

Proceeding this question with rule-book like approach:

Please take no hard feelings if I sound blunt.

I am assuming that you are very serious on your side of relationship and there might be two reasons for why she is not feeling comfortable using your help:

1. She does not feel that the relationship is at the level where she can ask or accept these favours.
2. She feels that you can use the money in any other way rather than spending it on her. She does not want to put you in any trouble due to her invaluable wish. She underestimates her worth for you.

If it is point 1, you have to do a lot of work. Point 2 is quite simple to approach

Solution for point 1:

This will be tricky. Tell her how much you love her and try to be open on your side. Then choose a day when she is in the best of her mood and ask her how much she loves you. What all she can do for you and is there any limits that she would put on your relationship. You will understand if the answer is positive for you.
If it is negative please don't force your will to help on her. Give her time and show that you are still equally committed to her. Repeat this step until it is positive.

If the answer is positive, proceed to:

Solution for point 2:

Now here tell her how much exactly she means to you. Again use reverse examples of what she can do for you. Tell her that her happiness is everything for you. Tell her openly that you have x$ spare at the end of every month and that you can easily accommodate for her classes. Tell her that

if you both don't help each other, who else will? Won't you help me in something like this.

Hopefully this should work and make her accept your help. Ask anything if you are not content with this answer.

Answer 7

Setting aside the dysfunctional relationship with her parents or finances. If you want to pay for a class for her why don't you sign her up pay for it and give it to her as a present make a fake gift certificate with all the information on it and in small print on the bottom simply write non-refundable. You can give the gift for any little reason. As a gift you are avoiding the give/borrow money issue and since it is a gift and already done she will be very likely to accept it. If you look on line you can see hundred of examples of creative gift certificates people have made. Hope this helps.