I was afraid of allowing people in my life. Actually, I was not even looking for friendships and was pretty happy without any (So many things to do, so little time). I met someone about two years ago who showed me that friendship was more than a plot device in books and movies. I really care for her and love spending time with her, talking about stuff. I'm not an introvert and like talking with people, I just didn't want them in my life. This changed with her and I'm starting to be more open with people, now.


Let's say... I'm a bit "lacking" on the IPS side (trying to take a crash course through this stackexhange and reddit, but well, I have a long way to go). I have no clue if I'm overtexting (short story sized emails that get answered) her or if I'm not caring enough (went one month without talking to her). She's very patient as she knows my... limitations, but I can't always rely on her to develop my social skills. She already allowed me to make giant steps on this way (I'm still the same, altough I feel I'm a better person). I want to be here for her, I want to be a great friend to the people I like and on the other hand I don't want to scare them away.


Is there any hints I can take to know where to put that cursor ?

Thanks !

And before anyone asks, no, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship + I'm asexual (and old enough to be sure of it).


The answer to "I have no clue whether I'm overtexting or not caring enough" is not something I can answer easily from what I know about you and her.

What you can do is simply ask her. I believe in honesty and communication. And that is a key value in close relationships. I would probably be the hardest thing for you since you are not used to letting people into your life. What you need (and will be difficult for you) is to develop mental intimacy with her. You do that in baby steps - try to share your experiences and concerns with her, listen to her. I believe you wouldn't have any problem to figure out hers and yours needs and limitation in intimacy.

Good luck!

| improve this answer | |
  • Seconding just asking her. I did the same thing when I was learning stuff and people were honest about that with me. – Pyritie Feb 21 '18 at 10:46

Everyone is different. There is no universal set of hints that will let you instantly know how much space someone needs.

Use your words and talk to your friend. Ask them if not talking for a month is a problem. Ask them if you are overtexting. Tell them that you are new at this and unsure exactly how to strike a balance with them. Ask them what level of communication they'd ideally like to see. Tell them what level of communication you want to have in your friendship.

The two of you won't always see eye to eye, but you should be able to find a balance that works for the two of you if you start talking about it.

| improve this answer | |
  • Thanks, I tried that and had a "Don't worry, I'll tell you if you do something wrong". I would like to be able to avoid "doing something wrong" even if I know she would probably tell me. I'll try to talk with her about that in person. – user12727 Feb 20 '18 at 22:18
  • 3
    If you've tried to have a conversation about what level of communication they are looking for and they've told you "They'll tell you when you do something wrong" you need to trust them to speak up when it becomes necessary. – sphennings Feb 20 '18 at 22:20