See this question for more context.
I plan on asking my friend Penny out. However, the tricky part of this situation is that Penny and my good friend Kyle dated for about a year. They broke up two months ago on good terms.
I developed romantic feelings for Penny around three months ago.
I don't want to ask Kyle's "permission" to ask Penny out because I believe that although they broke up on relatively good terms that Kyle could be spiteful and attempt to muddle things up. So instead, I plan on presenting him a fait accompli after asking Penny out if things work out with her. I want to ask for his "forgiveness" after the fact.
I don't want to hurt Kyle and I know that most likely this will hurt him in some way. I want to minimize the damage because I do consider him a very close friend.
My friendship with Kyle is casual in the sense that we never really talk about feelings/issues in our lives. It's mostly a friendship based on a mutual interest in technology and gaming, so conversations about relationships and especially something "dramatic" like this aren't something we're used to talking about.
How do I ask for his "forgiveness" if things go well with Penny?
I would appreciate knowing...
- What tone to approach the conversation with
- Phrases/words are helpful/detrimental to helping him understand/cope
- How to deal with potential aggression/other emotional outbursts
I'm firm in my decision to use the "forgiveness" tactic. Also, I would expect Kyle to have the maturity level of an adult because he is one
Note: I have not asked Penny out yet. I just want to be prepared to have this conversation if/when the time comes.
EDIT: Although this isn't necessary, I'll try to provide a little more reasoning why I decided to go with the "forgiveness" route over the "permission" route. I'm a very anxious person. It's already hard enough for me to ask a girl out and I don't need someone potentially psyching me out of it. Kyle is my good friend, but given his feelings he might not be totally accepting of this situation which could easily make it impossible for me to ask her out. I know logically and emotionally that I want to ask her out, but in a way I have weak conviction. I want to set myself up for success with Penny and hearing my friend being upset about a decision that I personally find healthy and beneficial for me would make it a lot harder. I also have no idea if the feeling is mutual and would rather have my attempt go unheard if nothing happened.
EDIT2: A little more clarification. Although Kyle obviously could misinterpret things, Penny has told me exactly why they broke up (lack of communication, Kyle's apathy, and other such things) and he knows as well. In fact, I had suggested that they have a bit of a "postmortem" together to be honest and share more about what went wrong in a civil manner. They're both aware of why it happened and although it wasn't mutual they both ended up staying good friends. I understand Kyle may misinterpret my advances as "Wait, did we break up because of X, Y, Z or was it Steve?", but given how much honesty they've given each other, I doubt (although it could happen) he will think that I was involved (because I wasn't).