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So we have been together for the past 3 years 9 months. Of course before our relationship we knew each other and did spend a couple of months before giving our friendship the "relationship" tag. We met when we were undergrads, and then continued it through our graduate studies as well. After our grad studies we both have been trying to get into PhD, and focus on our career. She being a bit academically weak I used to help her out in all possible way.

We always had a very transparent relationship. We had immense trust and respect for each other. Though we both had access to each others cell phone, emails, we never used to have that suspicion. It was mutual in nature.

Of late we are going through a rough patch. It all started around 7 months ago, last August. The frequent texts and calls stopped all of a sudden. Whenever I used to call it keep ringing only to get a call back as late as 24 hours. Whenever I conveyed my feeling to her regarding her sudden change in behavior she used to tell she wasn't well, she was away or my cell phone wasn't reachable.

I'm extremely sane as an individual and gave her all the space she did require (though she never once requested for it). Never did I try to enforce anything. Except for a few occasions where I did argue with her regarding her recent antics. Infact went as far as to tell that if she needed a breakup it's fine. She can have that. But she told me how much I meant to her, and how much she was in love with me.

Things took a turn for worse in November where she went on a trip with her family for 15 odd days. In 2 days I would get a call that she was fine, and then she would hang up. I conveyed that emotionally I was down, and sad. She didn't give two hoots about it.

I can share a small incident that happened during her trip. I texted her in WhatsApp. She read it. No reply. Called her (17 times to be precise) didn't pick up. 14 hours plus went by no calls. Called her didn't pick up. Only to call back a couple of minutes later to inform that she was having a hard time with her Dad (just a background info, her Dad is pretty old and can't walk properly).

I did understand all her difficulties but couldn't reason with myself as to her sudden change of behavior. I mean who can't make a 1 minute call in a 24-hour time frame? At least if you love someone.

In December too, she took a sudden small trip for 5-days. These 5-days she maintained a total dead silence. No communication. I was so sad with all my previous experience I also never called her. I knew that once she returns should would call me and cook up stories. And she did shamelessly. I listened without any protest.

Yes that was the moment I was certain that she was cooking up stories. How? Did some digging and found out all this while when she told her trip was sudden, it was well planned out 3-weeks before hand. Secondly she was cheating academically and not sharing her resources. Like sending in applications for various jobs. It's startling cause I'm struggling and more or less have the same skill set.

And the time frame too matched. August. Confronted her, she confessed. She said she was sorry and she didn't knew what she was doing. I thought good. I gave her a second chance (ignoring my own inner voice, my friends and family), in the hope she would rectify. But the next day itself she did the same thing again.

She knows exactly how to manipulate me by playing with my emotions. At least that's what I feel now. I have been taken for granted too long.

I just want to know how to organically convey all my feelings and explain to her that I personally need to stop all communication with her (I am feeling emotionally and physically used).

closed as unclear what you're asking by Tinkeringbell, MansNotHot, Alina Cretu, Rory Alsop, SQB Feb 23 '18 at 11:37

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    Is this your first romantic relationship? – DonFusili Feb 23 '18 at 7:05
  • @DonFusili My first her second. – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 7:19
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    "convey all my feelings and at the same time stop all communication" - Unfortunately we are not wizards... – Jesse Feb 23 '18 at 7:25
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    I'm seeing so much information here, I can't really figure out what the problem is. The title says she lies with career choices, but the body is mostly telling about unreturned phone calls, and a trip she lied about (was that a career tip?). I see exactly 1 paragraph mentioning something remotely relevant to careers, and it seems you're upset she sends job applications but not mentions to you there is a job you can apply to? – Tinkeringbell Feb 23 '18 at 7:30
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    @Cliff I dont think she has somebody else. But I might be wrong. Also I dont have a way to check on this. Secondly the trip might have been a career trip for all I know. She never told me. She gets all worked up when I ask these pressing questions. – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 10:23
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When someone suddenly changes behaviour, something is going on. People don't get a personality transplant overnight. We are all capable of manipulating the people we love and know well but obviously decent people don't, at least not to this degree. Something has changed that is forcing her behaviour, that is not to condone it, I'm just trying to make the point that she didn't become a different person 7 months ago.

To directly answer your question of "how to communicate feelings and then stop communication" with her, this must be very direct. You have already experienced her apologising, repeating her behaviour, and manipulating you emotionally. If you really want this to be your final conversation with her and break all ties, you could perhaps say:

We have already talked several times about your recent behaviour, your lack of communication, and the deceptions that you have admitted to. This behaviour is hurting me. I've allowed enough time for this to change, and it hasn't, so I'm afraid we need to cut all ties. I don't want to communicate with you any longer.

One possibility is that she may accept it, and you both move on. But given her past reactions it is more likely she will try and rescue the situation.

What you need to be prepared for is that if you are as direct and final as I have advised, this may prompt her to open up more than she has previously. You might actually discover what is really going on with her - what may have happened or changed 7 months ago. How you handle this is of course your call. If her behaviour of late has completely killed any relationship you had then perhaps you should walk away regardless. But if you have been holding on to the hope of her returning to her old self this long, it may actually be possible to address the root cause of your problems if and only if she is completely transparent with you.

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    not only could the gf open up more and share what is going on with her, there is also the possibility that she manipulates the OP into staying by only pretending to open up. OP should be careful trusting her words at that point. – Kaspar Scherrer Feb 23 '18 at 10:10
  • Agreed to the point that she needs to open up and have an honest conversation. – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 10:17
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    I think the conversation should not focus on her behaviour and actions, but rather on how he is feeling and how he can't take this any longer and thus decides to step away. Blaming the other part results in a confrontational conversation that hinders their capability of admitting the truth behind the observed changes or showing some due compassion to the OP. Relationship don't have to be a war game. – Patrick Trentin Feb 23 '18 at 11:14
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    Unless your relationship has an unsavory power dynamic, I wouldn't recommend speaking to your partner as if you were disciplining a recalcitrant child. – joiedevivre Feb 23 '18 at 12:20
  • @joiedevivre Absolutely. She's a good friend first and then a girlfriend. – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 15:21
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The way I see it, the most important part of your post is that you expressed that you need to do this:

I personally need to stop all communication with her (I am feeling emotionally and physically used).

Although we only have your side of the story, the situation certainly seems to have descended to the poisonous, and you say that is what you need to do, so my suggestion would be to focus on that goal.

You also really want to do this:

I just want to know how to organically convey all my feelings

That's understandable. However, trying to "organically" convey all your feelings to someone you say:

knows exactly how to manipulate [you] by playing with [your] emotions.

. . . sounds like a bad idea to me. I've been in unhealthy relationships before, and if your relationship is as unhealthy as it sounds, then I would strongly advise focusing on your end goal of cutting communications and getting out first. Only you can figure out how much you can safely say to her and still be firm about achieving that result. (It may be very hard for you to remain firm about this goal, but if it's really what you need to do, then you should focus on it at all costs.) Whatever else you choose to say to her, the message you must convey is:

I need to stop all communication with you.

Once you have begun the process of cutting all ties and figured out ways to hold to that goal (such as not taking her calls or answering her texts unless you have financial or property issues to resolve), take care of the "conveying your feelings" part by talking to friends and family, or seeing a therapist for a while, or even just buying a notebook or two (or using a word processor) to rant for a while.

Once time and cathartic venting have helped you gain some emotional distance and clarity, you can decide whether it might be safe to resume a tentative friendship if you still even feel like you might want to.

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Judging from all that I read, Thisiswhatyoudo is right, I guess that after seven months of trying and you're still in relationship limbo means you gotta bite the bullet and take time off.

If she doesnt come back with an answer or a decent reply about what's going on, it's time to move on. My current girlfriend had some issues and she had to go into a clinic for six months, during her time there, we communicated very little and halfway through she said she didnt want to talk to me anymore and that she's suffering and needs to be alone.

When it finallty ended she reopened communications with me and now we're still together. Long story short, take a break, no answer, time to move.

  • Thanks. Should I be worried about she lying about the job application part? I mean is this a trait of a pathological liar? – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 8:14
  • Her not sharing about her job applications seems like a big red flag there, not sharing what sandwich she had for lunch would be something we all expect, but big things like this and adding that you're in the same industry, feels more like she is scared you'll take her opportunities away, either way, it isnt something which is healthy for a relationship. – SomeoneElse Feb 23 '18 at 8:36
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I just want to know how to organically convey all my feelings and explain to her that I personally need to stop all communication with her (I am feeling emotionally and physically used).

Seven months have passed since her personality change. You gave her all the time to think, but all the chances you provided her didn't work; they only served her as a way to be blind to what you were trying to communicate. She escaped all your attempts of talking with her, she was deaf to your requests of reciprocity, she even lied to you. I think it's really time to break up with her, otherwise your well being is going to be compromised.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but I believe that this is the moment to use one. You already tried "soft techniques" a lot of time, so this is time to change strategy. Send her a message saying that you want to talk with her, and that you will wait some days (I recommend that you specify the exact number) for her to show up, answer and find a moment for you. Do not give her second chances or ways to chicken out: state that if she doesn't, that will be the last message she gets from you.

More importantly, if she does not answer or makes up excuses, do not write to her. You admit that she's good in manipulating you. Do not give her room to try to do it again. Compromising didn't work in getting an answer out of her, hold firm instead.

I see probable that she will escape this message as well. Just let some days pass and write her a mail explaining the reasons why you're breaking up with her -- the lack of communication and honesty, the non-reciprocity of attentions, the constant excape etc.

If, on the other hand, she agrees in talking with you:

  • This could sound like a strange advice, but meet her in a public place, such as a square or a bar. I find it easier to not be controlled by somebody if I'm not alone with them. Do not meet in your house: if you want to stand up and walk away, you want to be able to do so.
  • State that you need to tell her some things about the last months of your relationship without being interrupted. It may be that in order to efficiently convey your message, you need some "warm-up time" to word your reasons and to make your feelings resonate into your words.
  • List her what she did and did not, followed by how this made you feel. She may argue against the list of facts, which may be subject to interpretation, but not against your feelings.

It is up to you whether to be open to dialog or not. I'd suggest the second option (I don't see how she should be able to have an honest dialogue with you after seven months of shutting you out of her life), but this is really your decision. I believe you want to know at least a partial explanation of what happened. Do not let this explanation shift your decision to break up with her. I'm not saying she won't change; I'm saying that after seven months words are not enough anymore, and that she needs to show her affection to you.

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Everyone has different relationship styles but there are some constants and generally good practices towards healthy relationships.

A healthy relationship requires trust which is being eroded by several things here but the one that is directly under your control is communication.

She may be under stress, distracted, feeling insecure or any other variety of things that have changed her behaviour. You need to do what you can to improve communication, in particular have a heart to heart (serious) conversation with her saying that you care about her and want to be in a relationship but the two of you seem to be growing apart and more distant recently.

The key thing is to voice support, concern and remind her that you want the relationship to work. And even assuming that those thoughts get a positive reception from her, you would probably continue to voice support and remind her to talk to you, that is communicate what she is thinking and feeling until you get through this rough patch.

This is all that you can do. If being supportive and making a strong effort to communicate doesn't work - or your patience becomes exhausted then you would have to decide if you want to try a temporary break from contact with her (give her some time to sort herself out) or possibly break up with her.

No matter how much you want a relationship to work, it takes two people to make it successful in the long term. What you can do is assume that the problems are transitory, be optimistic towards the future, supportive and most of all don't hint about serious issues or assume that she knows how you feel. You need to actually sit down in person and have a serious conversation where you explicitly tell her that you care and are supportive but need her to talk to you about her feelings.

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    I tried several times. Asked her to give me some time as per her convenience to discuss these issues. Every-time she chickens out. And whenever I do have her attention while we are working, she cries; and manipulates me emotionally. Even today I told her how much this relationship means and how much she means to me. I feel like you that communication is the key, and I've tried to use that tool but there's no one. You need two people for a conversation. – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 7:26
  • If you have clearly told her that you need her to talk more and she won't - then all you can do is try to be supportive and patient. It is difficult & there are no magic solutions. Remind her from time to time that the two of you need to talk more about this.. and then one of two things will happen; she will start to do so or you will decide at some point that the relationship is no longer viable. – user11886 Feb 23 '18 at 7:32
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    Frankly I have been doing this for the past two months. Umpteen times I have tried to reason with her. To ask her out. She dosen't respond. Each time cooking up an excuse or another. And the little that we do speak, she apparently doesn't have anything to say. I'm being optimistic, that this being a passing thing. But how much more can I wait? – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 7:36
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    Yup I think taking a break is a better option, and then seeing where things go. I still do hope that this is a temporary thing. And should I be concerned about her not telling me about the job applications? I mean is that a trait of a pathological liar? – sbp Feb 23 '18 at 8:10
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    A break will help put things in perspective. Yes, you should be concerned about the job applications but defer that concern for now. See if taking a break motivates her to communicate more openly or changes your view of the relationship. If she makes an effort to be more open that would be the time to talk to her about why she hid things from your notice and whether she would do that again going forward. – user11886 Feb 23 '18 at 10:11

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