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We are about to relocate to a place nearer to were I work. When my wife told her friend (let's call her Anna) she started to act quite weird.

First Anna started to complain about the town where we are moving. Then she reduced communications with my wife, i.e. they were calling each other every day but now it is much less often and Anna cuts the conversations short.

We don't live near her and the new place would be the same distance, so it's not that she's sad we are moving too far.

She suggested we move to her town, but it's too far away from work and very expensive (for the same price we'd get a 2 bed house instead of a 4 bed). She admitted straight away we couldn't afford a house there.

My wife pointed out Anna wanted a house similar to the one we are buying, but I would be surprised if it was just envy.

How can we approach Anna to ask what has caused this change?

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  • Have you considered that she's upset that you aren't moving to her city? Based on what you've said, it really sounds like that could be the case; but maybe you've already decided that's not the case here. – JMac Feb 27 '18 at 16:09
  • @JMac she made the suggestion and then admitted straight away we couldn't afford a house there – algiogia Feb 27 '18 at 17:27
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    Have you considered asking your friend? – sphennings Feb 27 '18 at 19:40
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You don't. Treat her as you always have, and see what happens. If Anna is overcome with jealousy (or whatever), and never talks to you again, then you know what sort of person you're dealing with.

And, if that's really the case, do you want this person in your life? Probably not.

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  • She's a good person, that's why I am surprised by her reaction. But then, do we reallt know our friends? – algiogia Feb 27 '18 at 17:28
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    @algiogia good people still do bad things, and bad people still do good things. People are complex and even after decades and even after decades a new situation will bring out new parts to your friends personality that will surprise you. And if you pay attention you will probably surprise your self as well. – Dan Anderson Feb 27 '18 at 18:11
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    Everything went back to normal without need for a chat. – algiogia Sep 7 '18 at 8:38
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Don't put Anna on the chopping block, but admit to her it feels like the dynamic of the friendship has changed recently, something like:

"Hey Anna, I feel like since I shared the news that we would be moving, the dynamic in our friendship has been off. Is there something bothering you?"

If she says no, you shouldn't push farther. You've given her an open invitation to talk about whatever it is that has changed her attitude, and she's decided she doesn't want to.

If she asks what dynamic changes you're talking about, be honest.

"I feel like you've been communicating with me less. When we do talk, there have been a couple times you've expressed disapproval of the neighborhood and house we are moving to."

After that the ball is in Anna's court to be honest about her change in attitude.

If she admits to what's going on, hear her out. Feelings are valid for the individual feeling them - even if it doesn't make sense to us sometimes. As a personal hunch, it seems like Anna might have some insecurities; whether it be about her own home, losing your wife as a friend to a new neighborhood, or whatever the issue is.

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