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My father got married to my stepmother three years ago when I was in college.

From the start, she mistreated me and my brother in every possible way, like sabotaging our possessions, breaking into our room, spying on us, and turning our father against us.

Five months ago, my brother and I got jobs and she asked our father to get money from us because she wanted to renovate the house, but my father refused. This matter got worse and my father divorced her, which brought peace to our lives.

But now my father is in contact with her again and they are planing to remarry. I told my father not to marry her. After his divorce, we told him he could marry someone else but not that woman again.

Yet now he is determined to marry her again. We tried to threaten him that we would leave him for good if he does this, but he blackmailed us with religion and said that this is just what he expected from such unfaithful children, that state law and religion permits him to do so, etc.

So far, what I have planned is to move to another city or rent a house, but still I cannot afford to rent a house with my current income.

I prefer that he either find some other woman if possible, or let us leave without blackmailing us. He is firm on marrying the same woman, and keeps saying that those previous situations won't happen again and he assures us this (I don't believe him and his lover at all).

How can I convince my father to let us separate and do our work if he wants to marry her again?

closed as unclear what you're asking by Tinkeringbell, Alina Cretu, HugoBDesigner, Arwen Undómiel, AHamilton Mar 1 '18 at 12:18

Please clarify your specific problem or add additional details to highlight exactly what you need. As it's currently written, it’s hard to tell exactly what you're asking. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    That seems like a very tough situation, coming from me which I lived my childhood with my mom only. But the question as-is is very opinion-based. We need a specific goal to help you with. Do you want your father to choose between you and your brother and her? Do you want to reach a consensus? Please edit the question so we can help you :) – OneEyedBandit Mar 1 '18 at 10:23
  • I have edited the question. – Ahsan Mar 1 '18 at 10:27
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    What Interpersonal Skill would you like help with? What is the question exactly? I understand this is a difficult situation, but I'm not seeing what skill you would like to improve to solve your problem, could you explain? – Tinkeringbell Mar 1 '18 at 10:57
  • I want to convince my father to let us separate and do our work if he want to marry her again. – Ahsan Mar 1 '18 at 12:45
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    1. Where do you live ? 2. How old are you & your brother ? – Evargalo Mar 1 '18 at 13:18
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First, you can't dictate whom your father is going to marry. This isn't going to work.

Sounds like you already tried all of the "soft pressure" tactics available to you, and your father still wants to remarry his ex wife. That means that you'll probably not convince him not to.

Now, with that out of the way, you have some options. You say that he

We threatened him that me & my brother would leave him for our good if he does this, he blackmails us with religion and says that this is what he expects from such unfaithful children etc. and says that state law and religion permits him to do so.

You are adults, you have jobs, and you're not bound to his decisions anymore. That means that besides attempting to sway you, he has no real power over you. You state that you can't afford to rent a house on your own - fair enough. You might be better off teaming up with your brother and renting a house with him.

As for the emotional blackmail, that is an all too common tactic for people who don't have any other pain points to hit. You probably can't stop him from doing that - it very much looks like he's made up his mind, but what you can do is set boundaries.

He might be very harsh and brazen to you now, but once you move out and he has no sway over you anymore, you dictate the rules of engagement. This could look like:

  • Only agreeing to visit him when your stepmother isn't present
  • Only agreeing to see him if he visits (without your stepmother)
  • Cutting contact entirely or almost entirely.

This seems daunting and hard at first, but it's high time that you two set the boundaries of your interaction and not he. I struggled with this too at first (my stepmother is a veritable nightmare - I didn't try to separate her from my father, but once I moved out, I did have to establish some clear boundaries), but believe me, you'll feel better and it'll be better for your relationship with your father to establish clear boundaries.

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    Thanks for valuable suggestions. – Ahsan Mar 1 '18 at 11:03

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