Dad wants me to invite his mother to my wedding. How to push it back?

Question

Long story short, my fiancée and I wanted a small wedding. As small as 5 people max, signing the papers and eating at home. There are 34 guests invited now, eating at a restaurant at a cost of 165€ (about 200$) per person, suit, dress and honeymoon apart.

We decided to invite friends, parents, siblings + children in my case, friends, parents, godparents + children in hers.

We both have difficult relationships with our families. Bad experiences, distance, lack of contact, support, respect, etc, which made us decide to cut the invitations there. No uncles/aunts, no grandparents, no cousins.

After telling my father his mother and sister wouldn't come, he was pissed, but accepted my will, and yet he told me I should call her to let her know, which I didn't find right at that time, and I don't find it right yet. Similar situation was told to my fiancée.

Two weeks ago, we called everybody we didn't invite but our parents felt important to know. Just to avoid shafting them.

I've also had calls of other people that had a better relationship with people I didn't invite, telling me I should send them an invitation asap.

Now, it's exactly 8 days till the wedding. I got a message from my father telling me that it's my wedding, but he feels I must invite that branch of the family anyway, because it's just 2 more people. The lists are closed, the menus settled, and my fiancées side wouldn't get to come in time. It's totally unfair for her, and I've spoken to her about this before.

This is a stressful moment for me. I had to fight the list with my girlfriend (I have a really large close family while she's an only child), and this was the best balance for both of us. I told her about this and she freaked out she couldn't invite her family but I would be able to.

How can I push my father's decision back?

Answer 1

First of all, it's not your father's decision - it's yours. Your father made a demand of you, but the choice rests with you. You organize the wedding, you're paying for it, you get to decide.

From what you describe, you cannot acquiesce to his request. Every further point you've listed strengthens this fact.

This means you need to find a way to bring this across to him. You've already listed several convincing "outs" for yourself. Tell him that:

• The lists are closed
• The menu is settled
• Everything is locked in

That should really be all there is to it. You need to make clear that this is your decision, not his. You also need to make clear that this is a final decision.

It's your wedding, not his. You decide.

Answer 2

I got a message from my father telling me that it's my wedding, but he feels I must invite that branch of the family anyway, because it's just 2 more people. [...] It's totally unfair for her, and I've spoken to her about this before.

No. This is not unfair only for your girlfriend, this is totally unfair especially for you.

As he said, it's your wedding. The decision of who's attending lies only on you and your wife-to-be. If the two of you decided to invite only your friends, it would be fair; if you decided to invite only your supermarket's favourite cashier, that would be fair as well. It's your big moment.

You have the right to tell your father that he's crossing a boundary. Tell him you didn't invite those two more people because of sound reasons discussed with your girlfriend - not because of a momentary whim. Besides, it's too late to change anything, everything is already settled. Reassure him that it's not that you don't love those two family members, it's just that you'll be happier this way.

However, it's understandable that your family wants to take part to this milestone of your life, either because they really love you or for a sense of entitlement. Whatever the reason is, you can arrange a home party with the family. If the time is tight, as it seems to be, you can even see them in a dedicated moment after your honeymoon. Everybody will get to see you, you won't have so many expenditures and you can tell everybody who wasn't invited:

Yes, I prefer having a small ceremony, but we appreciate the fact that you would like to take part in our joy. Let's meet for a party at our place!

Answer 3

You don't specify your culture, and so this may not apply to you, but I think you may have underestimated just how family oriented a wedding is in most cultures.

While this is your wedding and you are free to do with it as you please, intentionally excluding family members leaves a very, very strong negative impression and significantly damages your relationship with them. In some cultures or for some individuals this can be interpreted as an attempt to cut ties or cause further estrangement between family members.

Doing so and alerting them just three weeks before the event, after you've finalized everything and cannot change anything, is a slap in the face.

Your father wisely counseled you to alert them much, much earlier in the process. Perhaps he was hoping that by discussing this exclusion to them early on you'd realize just how much you were hurting your family and your already stressed and damaged relationships. Early enough, perhaps, to spend your $6,800 food budget on a more modest meal that is more inclusive.

Nevertheless you persisted on this path, and only once plans were irreversible did you finally contact those you chose to exclude.

Now your father is telling you very directly that you must include them. This is most likely because he knows the damage this is causing to these relationships, and he's giving you fair warning - you really shouldn't be ignoring this opportunity to fix things.

That said, it appears you two have determined to go ahead. Your bride has convinced you that it's "fair" to have the same number of family present, and that any damage this causes to your relationships with your family is acceptable. And perhaps it is, for her. To be honest, this appears from my standpoint to be a selfish requirement on her part, forcing you to pare down you family to her family's size. But it's what you've agreed to and that is no longer up for discussion, so now you simply need to do damage control as best as you can, particularly without blaming her.

As such, you should recognize the warning your father is providing, call up the affected parties again, and explain very clearly the situation:

We love you dearly, and we want to strengthen our relationship with you. We recognize this damages our relationship, but I wanted to take some time to explain. While I love you very much, I'm trying to form a very strong relationship with my wife, and at this stage in our lives we have to approach a few things objectively. One of these things is family representation at our marriage. We've chosen a very small set of family - equal on both sides - to include in this event because it's important for our budding relationship. It's not ideal, and I'm sure you know there's always issues with guest lists at weddings. We're loathe to exclude anyone we are close to. However we are doing so for the sake of our marriage, and we hope that you understand. I doubt it'll make it easier or less painful for you, but we wanted to make sure that you understood we aren't trying to cut ties with you in any way - we'd love to come visit with you and celebrate our marriage, but it's going to have to be at a separate place and time.

Even with this, you should expect to have to put in a great deal of effort in the following years to maintain and repair those relationships.

Answer 4

This is quite a family mess.

It sounds like your family is trying to appease each other, by forcing you to invite those whom you do not wish to be there.

However, it sounds like your father is the only one who is willing to flat out disregard your decision.

The fact of the matter is that it's your decision, and not his, despite what you said in your question.

Now, let's take a step back. I'm sure you don't want to physically escort an old lady (your grandmother) out of your wedding.

If this problem weren't so imminent, I would have suggested considering appeasement. After all, it would have maybe cost you $400, but surely the simple presence of these individuals would not cause much harm? Perhaps that would have been worth keeping at least some of your close family happy. No one can answer that for you, however.

Regardless, it seems past that point, so let's look at your first option.

Talk To Your Father

Again, you want your father on your side. Try explaining to him the same things you've explained here. Explain that it's your fiance and her family that will suffer most if he goes through with what he does.

He's doing what he thinks is right, but perhaps if he sees he's hurting another family, he may back off. It could even help if you recognize that you are responsible for that decision and you will accept the family outcome (which is true, even if unfair).

Normally I try to give examples of what to say in these situations, but this on is particularly.... delicate. You need to decide this for yourself, but just keep these topics in mind as you go forward.

And be persistent. If the first talk doesn't work, talk to him again the next day. Make it clear that you are very serious.

And... if that doesn't work.... you have another option...

The Nuclear Option

I'm going to throw this out here. Fair warning, this is not a good solution and you need to heavily weigh on if this would be worth it for you.

First, after exhausting your other options, tell your dad that it is your decision that those 2 family members not be at your wedding. Tell him that he has no choice. This will piss him off.

If you're lucky, he will just angrily comply. If not, tell him he has two choices:

1. Do not bring the family members
2. Don't come to the wedding

It's your decision to not have those members be there. If your father cannot not accept that, his only option is to not go himself.

You might find that giving into him is better than that.

And, it's also possible your father literally just brings those family members no matter what you say. If that happens, don't let it crash your wedding. Just accept it. Unless they are a significant problem at your wedding, just let them stay. And be prepared to come back to this website for help on dealing with the aftermath.

Answer 5

It is your wedding. It is not just a budget thing but the type of wedding you want(ed) to have. Your father should have truly accepted the limited guest list the fist time you discussed it.

Telling you that you need to inform people not invited they were not invited is not his call. That is just silly. It is like rubbing salt in wound. It accomplishes nothing positive. After the ceremony you could send out an announcement we were married in a small service on xxmmyy.

So your father decided to push back. It is not his decision and he should have honored the prior discussion. What do you say to you father?

No, it is my wedding. Our decisions and arrangements have been made.

If you give him reasons then he has something to debate.

It is not just 1 or 2 more people - it opens up a whole can of worms. Other people not invited will just be more upset they did not make the expanded list.

My own sister that I get along with did not invite me to her rehearsal dinner and I DJ'd (including supply the equipment) for her wedding. My parents that usually stayed at my house crammed in my sisters house because they did not want me to know I was excluded - she made it inconvenient for my parents. Took many years but I finally told my sister not cool.

This is water under the bridge and I think you should stick to your guns. In the case of my sister immediate family should be included unless estranged. Her response was limited budget and my response was you could have chosen a cheaper restaurant. I gave her $400 as a present and she knew she would get something like that from me as that is what I gave my brother. If I knew in advance I was excluded I probably would have reduced that amount.

Answer 6

You intended to invite 5 people and ended up with 7 times as many. That makes it pretty clear that the only reason for your problem is that you don't know how to say no.

You just tell your father "No, I won't do that." You state no reasons. It's not a negotiation. There's no need to convince him, all you need to do is inform him, nothing else.

Instead of deciding to inform him that it won't happen, you decided to inform your fiancée that it might happen. That was a bad decision.

There is no "my father's decision". Decisions regarding the wedding are made by you, your fiancée, or by the both of you together - and this decision certainly wasn't made by your fiancée or by the both of you together. You can decide if you are the one who breaks the agreement and upsets your fiancée, or if you are the one who sticks by the agreement.

Answer 7

This is what I feel I’d want to do in your situation: elope with the fiancée and the original list.

If you still haven’t paid for the preparations you mention, take that money and spend it on a fun getaway. If you’ve already paid, say “screw it” to the money. Don’t fall into a sunk cost fallacy: losing the money and having the marriage you want is better than not wasting the money but having a stressful day.

You both have difficult relationships with your families and now they’re bringing you even more down, making you bend to their wills. When they inevitably get mad, explain it as a spur of the moment romantic gesture. Hopefully that’ll soften their indignation.

Granted, this is not in direct response to your actual question (I do so further down) and only a week away it’ll be harder to pull off. But ask yourself and your fiancée if it feels right.

Alternatively, do everything as planned except actually getting married. Do the whole celebratory meal with family and whatnot but don’t go through the signing of the papers.

Then have the wedding later on as originally planned. Your memory will be of the day you wanted plus having benignly duped everyone.

In this latter scenario, tell your father that you cannot allow the extra people to come because you had an arrangement with your fiancée. In said arrangement both had to make sacrifices on who to invite and she’s keeping her end of the deal. It’s imperative you do the same, else you’d be starting the marriage on the wrong foot.

Answer 8

The word you're looking for is "No". It's the flip side of "Yes". Use it when necessary.

I'll tell you a story that's kind of related to your situation.

When my wife and I got married (24 years and three kids ago, thanks :-) we wanted a small-ish wedding. On my side that wasn't hard - I'm an only kid, my parents were divorced, I had one aunt/uncle I hadn't seen in 15 years, and three cousins, likewise. Invited both my parents (they came, together, oddly enough), aunt/uncle declined politely (we'd chosen to get married on their wedding anniversary - who knew? - and they were going to be out of town), cousins likewise. My family - done.

On my wife's side - tougher. She has four siblings, but as an adult only really had/has contact with two of them. She and her parents had been mostly estranged for years after she moved out at age 19. She invited her two still-talk-to-them brothers to the wedding, who came with their families, despite having my future in-laws pressuring them not to come. Sister and other brother - not invited. Parents - invited. Parents refused to come if other (favorite) son wasn't invited. Impasse.

I thought, "Maybe if we meet with the parents they'll get on board". Went to their place. The flaming row started after...oh...30 seconds. I felt pretty good that I managed to keep it from devolving into a screaming match. Finally, mother-in-law-to-be spouted off with, "Well! We can't be seen with you! Not now. Not yet!".

WELL. OH. KAY!

I looked at my fiance', who was on the verge of tears by this point, turned back to my in-laws-to-be and said in a firm but level tone, "We regret your decision, but we understand". Then to my fiance', "Come on - let's go". In-laws-to-be jaws bounced off the linoleum. Wait! What? They had their kids trained to cave whenever they "put their foot down", and they thought I'd do the same. Clearly a case of improper foot-training! :-)

Her parents didn't come to the wedding. Her uncle gave her away, which was what was going to happen anyways. It all just kind of worked out. :-)

It's your party, and you invite who you want to. For the rest - "No". It's a very useful word.

You can use it with parents, siblings, children, dogs - but not cats. Cats do not understand it. Well, hey, you can't win 'em all, I guess. :-)

Answer 9

Ordinarily it's best to have open, honest conversations about everything, but in this case you probably don't need to push back, you just need to refuse.

You don't need your father's permission to make the decision, and you don't need him to agree with it. If you do absolutely nothing, then the situtation will be over and done with in 8 days time (one way or another), so it's just a matter of whether you can do anything now to improve on whatever would happen if you just completely ignore him and do nothing.

You said "he was pissed, but accepted my will". If that was true at the time, it's not true any more, because he hasn't accepted your will, he's messaged you asking for something different. It should be sufficient to message him back (by the same medium he used) to say "no, we've already decided this weeks/months ago, neither of us are inviting our grandparents". He'll still be pissed, and still won't accept the situation but he'll have to submit to your will.

That said, you should at least think about any reprisals your father might make. Is he going to ruin the event, is he going to mention it every chance he gets for the rest of his life, etc? I'm not saying you should give in to him, but if you think he might bear a grudge over this then there may be things you can think of that are worth doing now, beyond just repeating your earlier decision, and that will prevent or at least mitigate his future shenanigans.

For example, he's said it's "just" 2 more people, but if your bookings and your budget don't have room for 2 more people, then 2 is just as impossible as 200. Maybe explaining this to him will make him more accepting that your grandmother simply cannot attend, no matter how many messages he sends. Or maybe engaging with him will make the argument worse -- it really depends on him and on your relationship.

Answer 10

There can not be universal answer to this question and you have not specified the culture/country name. But from a South east asian perspective, Dad's mother is your grandmother. In our culture, she would not even need invitation, rather she would be one of the core team members deciding that who else will get the invitation. In our cultures, She will be even chirping her own saved money/family jewellery to the new bride. Keeping her out will be even "unthinkable" here.

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But, assuming that you are talking from a western culture perspective, I think your concern is (1) more about girl friend not able to invite her side of family already and (2) now you have budget constraints too.

SOLUTION: I think you can clearly discuss with your father about your budget and if your father agrees to fund for "four people"(two from father's side and two from your girlfriend's side), then your budget will also be okay, and girlfriends share in the budget will also be okay, and as she also got to invite two people from her side without extra burden on her, so she may be fine with that.

So its either zero increase in number of people or its four people increased on father's budget, to keep everyone happy.

As your father is really keen on inviting the two people, hence he may really understand your concerns and try to help you the budget of yours and your fiancee both.

And if he does not agree to your this proposal, then his request of including those two relatives will also get pushed back, without you taking an inflexible stand of denial. As You have already offerred a choice, and he has denied the sponsoring of four guests, hence it got pushed back by his choice.

Answer 11

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation myself, and ultimately was able to limit my wedding guest list to about 25 I think, and 18+ us two were there on the big day.

I can only throw in my two cents based on my experience.

1) What’s the outcome you can live with, that when you look back one day, you would not regret?

To this day, I do not regret my guest list, and wouldn’t change it. For clarity, we had explored eloping, and then decided against it due to timing. From there, we thought city hall but no family. Eventually, it became small outdoor wedding and brunch at restaurant.

The hardest decision was whether inviting my Grandma but not my parents was worth the grievances that were sure to follow in that scenario. It wasn’t. So I invited my parents.

2) Whatever you decide is your answer to the above - to or to not acquiesce to your father’s demand - can you talk to him and his mother respectfully about it? If you can’t, perhaps revisit my question 1, as that would seem to suggest there’s still something bothering you, and it’s causing you to waver in your decision.

If you’re on bad terms with your family, then does it really matter what your family will think of you when your wedding day is over?

I hope this gives you some clarity.

Answer 12

Family often get you feel guilty. This is the main mechanism for manipulation. It's often hidden. The main answer here would be: imagine what would be if you fulfill the father's will and if not. Only you know what is better.
I can assume, that if you would do what he is asking, he would be glad, but after a month he will forget about it. Otherwise he will be angry, but after a month forget about it. The people, which are not invited could offence on you for a long time. Do you need them in your further life? If no, then do whatever you want)

I'm trying to say - think about future and about people like them is you.

Answer 13

It all boils down to one question:

Do you want to have a relationship with those people in the future?

It is unclear from your question. You say that you have bad relationship. But then you say that you have large close family. Close as in "relationship close" or "blood close"? Also having bad relationship says nothing about the intent. Do you want to make it better? Or do you want to remove those people from your life?

Anyway if you want to have a better relationship with those people then you are not doing the right thing. This will probably be an insult to them, depending on your culture.

If on the other hand those people are unwelcome in your life then just stick to your beliefs and be concrete. Don't let people manipulate you. Some people tend to emotionally blackmail others. This is very common among parents and children not following their views. For the sake of mental health I think you should resist that. Be calm, simple, don't let your father drag you into "why? why not? but but but" conversation.

I actually am in the similar situation at the moment. Except that I have no excuses (which probably is better, I just tell people the harsh truth): I can add those people to my wedding and it won't upset my future-wife. Everything else is pretty much the same including the size of families (which actually is quite amazing how similar these situations are). I've decided not to include my father's mother and his brother. He tried to force this on me, including emotional blackmail like "this is not only insult for them but for me as well". I've decided that I don't want this kind of people around me in my life. I would not invite my father as well, but well, I guess I'm not strong enough. Yet. :) Anyway I don't regret this. But YMMV.

Finally do not lie to yourself: whatever you chose it will be hard on you.

Answer 14

Hate to answer at this late date. The wedding in question has certainly already happened (or not), so this answer will only be of use to other people finding themselves in a similar situation. However, I'm kind of amazed to see 18 answers here, and not one invoked the golden rule: "He who has the gold, makes the rules".

Ideally, this really should have started when the list was 5 people, but its super important to pull the handbrake as soon as possible.

Look at it from their point of view. The larger the list gets, and the more its known to have grown to accommodate requests, the bigger the snub it will seem to those left out. Now it doubtless seems to family on both sides like some kind of special exclusive event, and wrangling an invite is a sign of how high your status is with the family. In that environment, anyone is going to feel a little put-down for not being an invitee. If the roles were reversed, you would too.

The question makes it clear that the financial cost is a large part of the concern. With that in mind, any in-person pressure to expand the guest list should immediately be responded to with an explanation that the current list is, sadly, all that can be afforded, but a cheerful offer to do so if the requester is willing to pony up the full cost of an expanded venue (for all affected events). This includes cancellation fees.

If they agree, great. You get the bigger wedding everyone seems to want. If (much more likely) they don't, well that's their decision. As long as on your end the conversation is always centered on the venue sizes and monetary limit, it should be very difficult for anyone to continue to insist you spend more, and much easier for you to stand firm if they are so crass as to do so.

Answer 15

How can I push my father's decision back?

Appease him.

Tell him that your decisions are made, even if they are the wrong decisions. There was a time when the possibility of persuasion could have altered the plans. That time is over. Making the change of adding family members will worsen the situation.

However, make up for it, by doing something else/extra. Have a wider family-wide party. (And, that can be from just your side, not heavily utilizing both sides. You can have another party for your spouses' side.) This way, you demonstrate that you are willing to perform an action that can help appease family members. If they want to be involved, they can. Having such a party may be a better use of an otherwise-unexciting weekend anyway. And, if you can finagle the details successfully, you may even be able to get your father to help pay for this family event.

This way, your father gets what he wants (inclusion of your grandmother), and you get what you want (having your wedding the way you want). Maybe you want your father to be happier, and maybe your father wants to appease your grandmother by being included in the magical moment called the wedding, but you don't all get to always have everything go exactly the way you want it. Still, you can settle for some "more decent" results that may be more readily achievable.

If you show some level of compromise, the worst case is that they will realize that you didn't stubbornly insist on selfishly completely ignoring the desires of others. That might not thrill your father who may hope/wish for a higher standard, but perhaps that is all he's doing to be offered. This is a reality that he will just have to accept/endure, as will you, so the best thing for you is to at least realize this sooner rather than later.

As a broader generalization, if you can't/won't (don't want to) offer something that someone wants, try to understand what their motivation is, and see if you can find a way to appease them (possibly by finding another, more negotiable way to address their motivation). That can often work wonders.

Answer 16

I say invite your grandmother. she is old and likely will die soon. She is probably very lonely and is asking your dad to get her invited. Also, if she leaves behind an estate when she dies and you did not invite her to the wedding expect your portion of her estate to go to charity. Old people hold grudges and are hurt easily. She was probably there when you were born, and will want to see you married. Find a way to make it work. Be a man and do the right thing. Tell your GF to add 2 also then. Usually restaurants are prepared to feed extra tell them the change. Ask for donations to cover the cost of the wedding instead of wedding gifts. You may find it better to appease you grandmother and make an old lady happy. Most likely you'll regret when all the bonds she has hidden under her mattress go to places other than you.