First off, I am a lesbian married to a woman who is bisexual. I'm not sure how much that matters, but it could.

She has always been the more fashion-conscious, make-up friendly person in the relationship, and I've always been more simple and conservative in the way I dress. That is generally a non-issue, but one of the things she likes to accessorize is shoes, which was fine when we first met, but now that we've been married and living together for the past couple years, her shoe collection is getting excessive and is becoming a financial drain on both of us. The other day she bought $300 pumps that she simply doesn't need, for example.

I haven't yet had a serious conversation with her about it because every time the subject comes up it tends to be a joke and, "Oh, you know how I am about my shoes!" kinda thing, but it's not funny anymore. Her shoes take up the entire front hall of our house and she is starting to borrow money from me for clothes shopping.

My question is how do I tackle this without it becoming a fight about me not liking her for who she is, yada yada, when all I really care about is putting an end to her addiction to shoes?

closed as primarily opinion-based by sphennings, Rory Alsop, Bryan Turriff, John Mar 3 '18 at 0:38

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • It seems like what you are really asking is how to get your wife to change their purchasing habits and not how ask them to stop. That's not really a question we can answer for you. – sphennings Mar 2 '18 at 23:39
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    How much is the shoe collection worth? $20k? Perhaps more than your car? Would that help put it into perspective? – peufeu Mar 2 '18 at 23:53
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    You write about "pumps that she simply doesn't need". NEED? This collection is obviously not about what she needs but what she wants. If you want to address it in terms of what she needs you address the wrong question. It more like: Why is she willing to borrow money for something that she does not need but that she wants. Why does she want more and more shoes? Maybe she thinks she will be more attractive that way. – user8838 Mar 3 '18 at 3:06
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    This looks like a hoarding behaviour. Does she work? What do your friends think of this issue? – LinuxBlanket Mar 3 '18 at 4:53
  • @sphennings Why is it possible to answer "how to ask them to stop.." vs "how to talk to them about changing their purchasing habits?" – user2159 Mar 8 '18 at 8:32