I've seen these kinds of things happen in work environments, where there's a little more of a process rather than everyone being able to instantly jump in on a narrative and isolate others and I've handled those fine as well as mitigated. I have also seen similar happen in social life so I imagine others may want to be prepared.
In short, what is the best way to go about handle communicating with mutual friends, and if ever possible, my SO, to disprove the false rumors being repeated about me while no one asks me directly what the truth is.
My SO (Significant Other) ghosted on me while upset and avoiding uncomfortable conversations, due to a former friend spreading lies about me.
Is there any real way to overcome this?
The shortest way to explain would be the simple timeline of:
- Mutual friend of SO leans on me (as many of my friends) for emotional support every few months for over a year
- I notice that this person never respects me or my time and finally cut them off (a bit harshly) and ignored their phone calls
- A few days later they called my SO while I was away on a trip and lied to them (I still don't know what exactly was said)
- I didn't see my SO for a week after that call (this was after they'd started working as an EMT in addition to a second part time job so we barely saw each other for a few months)
- When I finally saw my SO they were acting very stressed out and upset, kept saying they were tired when I kept asking for hours what was wrong and if I could help
- Just past midnight my SO confronted me with accusatory and confusing questions (confusing because I didn't understand what they were trying to find out), it became clear they had been lied to and who had lied to them when my SO finally asked what's going on with this other friend. I clarified as much as a I could, though after hours of tension and it being late at night it wasn't really a conversation
- I saw my SO a once a week for a few weeks after, though what little time we had together they were still acting upset and resentful, I waited for them to be calm and ready for a conversation (each meeting was less than an hour between work shifts)
- After four weeks, MY SO said I should say hi when I'm in town, and this won't be the last we see each other, and then has not responded to any communication over facebook (it shows read) and I believe has blocked me on their phone.
- I was told through the grapevine that they may have moved in with someone, and that the friend who was lying was at the housewarming party.
- Given some other formerly mutual friends behavior it's clear that the truth wasn't cleared up and that this friend I cut off is still in our "group" and likely telling their version of events so they don't get ousted from our friend group while everyone is distancing themselves from me
For more context, my SO has a history of previous partners cheating on them. I'm not focused on "winning" them back as not allowing them to just run away angry and believing I was unfaithful, which would require sitting down and having a conversation.
I realize there may be no hope as the silence has gone on for 6 months now (they ghosted a week before our four year anniversary). I was being patient since I knew they were still working EMT full time and another job, essentially 80 stressful hours a week. I contacted them about every 6-8 weeks and have heard nothing back.
It has been suggested I show up where they work, but I would say this is a major violation of boundaries, even if much of our relationship used to be based on surprise gifts and appearances (this was long distance).
I don't know if there's some specific way I should reach out to them, or a way I should communicate with our mutual friends first and hope that they will encourage my now ex to talk to me again to clear things up (as to what actually happened, not to get back together).