How do I tell someone that something is not my responsibility anymore?

Question

My godmother told me about her friend whose son needs tutoring in programming. I contacted this woman, and referred her to my boyfriend, whom I thought would be able to be of more help than I. I gave her my boyfriend's number and Facebook account name.

The problem is, this woman now keeps contacting me by phone text message every time my boyfriend doesn't reply to her son's message or something similar.

She's relatively polite and all, so I'd feel bad for not using excessively polite and nice words such as "I ask you kindly". However, I'm very angry and I want to express my dissatisfaction with her constantly contacting me because of something my boyfriend did or did not do. It's basically like she's pestering Person A (who has referred you to Person B for help) when Person B is not available. I have nothing to do with it anymore! It's my boyfriend's responsibility now! My boyfriend is the one she should be pestering! Not me!

Is there an aggressive and assertive way to tell her to stop bothering me and to bother my boyfriend instead, but still not impolite enough for her to be able to complain about me being rude?

Answer 1

This is the problem with favours and recommendations that come through family or friends - it mixes business with friendship/family and people have unrealistic expectations. Plus in this case the link is pretty tenuous - your boyfriend is being hounded by his girlfriend's godmother's friend's son. Very few people, but by the sounds of it this lady is one of them, would see that as entitlement to special service.

You didn't say specifically that your boyfriend works as a tutor, but as you were happy to refer someone to him for this I am going to assume that it is something he normally does.

What you say to her needs to make her understand (a) that your personal relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with his work, and (b) that she has overstepped the mark with her persistence.

When you separate business from personal matters you can speak in terms of what you do not do, rather than will not do. A business has a specific focus and either does something or does not do something. If you walk into a hardware store and ask for a burger and fries, they are most likely to say "we don't do that", and this isn't a refusal - they aren't refusing to go out back and cook you a burger because they are being mean, it is simply a statement of fact and the request was unreasonably out of scope.

So with that in mind, perhaps you could say:

Sorry, I have nothing at all to do with my boyfriend's work. I was happy to refer you to him but I am not involved in his work activities. I do not forward any work-related messages to him.

So you're not refusing to pass on a message. You're keeping it professional, saying that is something you do not do because your work and personal lives are separate, and hopefully you are steering her back into a more professional approach.

Answer 2

Maybe tell her something similar to: "If you want to contact him best try his mobile number xzy. And if he does not answer leave him a voice message or a SMS."

And if she calls you again tell her: "If you want to contact him best try his mobile number xzy. And if he does not answer leave him a voice message or a SMS."

If you did this 2 or 3 times she should get the message.

Unfortunately lots of people react just like her. If you recommend someone then they make it your responsibility. I suggest next time you recommend anything to anybody make sure you tell them you just do the initial introduction (or phone or whatever). That's it. Make it clear from the beginning that anything what might happen in the future is not your responsibility. Unfortunately some people have to hear that very clearly to understand it.

Answer 3

You can say,

Hi [first name], I'm a little tied up with work right now; please be sure to follow up with [boyfriend's first name] on this matter. Thanks - Klara

This is both polite and assertive.

If they are still persistent, you can say

Hi [first name], I don't feel that I can help you with this; please reach out to [boyfriend's first name] regarding this issue. Thanks - Klara

If that doesn't work, then you have to be a bit more firm, by saying

Hi [first name], I would like to reiterate that I am not the right person to contact regarding this matter. Please speak with [boyfriend's first name] going forward. Thanks - Klara

Answer 4

What would you do if she called you up and said that someone you had NOT introduced her to, and had no personal relationship with, wasn't responding to her communications? Do that.

Me, it'd be something like "Sounds like X can't do the job or doesnt have the time to do it. You should look for someone else, unfortunately, I don't have anyone better to recommend. Good luck".

Answer 5

According to other answers, no need to repeat what I was about to write and that they already told you: you can use any of their option to let Alice know how upset you are.

But I'd rather deflate than escalate.

I'll focus on an important part that, IMHO, has been skipped.

Q: Did you ask your boyfriend why he didn't contact her?

A: Yes, and he told me the reason, but that's not the point.

It IS the point! And you even mentioned why:

The point is that it's his responsibility now, not mine, and I want the woman to stop bothering me about it, and bother him instead.

It seems like you folks are playing "pong" and your boyfriend is the net...

You both go over his head...

In order to solve this, I would ask BF why he doesn't answer (doesn't want to? can't fix the problem? whatever reason...). Then, from there, HE shall tell her why this should stop:

Hi Alice, sorry for not answering, but [ good reason not to answer / not to fix the problem ]. Will do it by [ day / week ] / won't be able to do it.

If he doesn't want to tell Alice, at least, he must tell you exactly why, and you can, honestly, tell her. Usually, people are more willing to understand and respect your POV if they know what's going on. In this case, she might just stop and look for someone else to help her son.

For years, and on a daily basis, I tell people/co-worker/customer the why-and-how, and don't let them be in the dark. They appreciate, because they don't waste time waiting for something that will never happen... Honesty is an easy (but difficult, I know) IPS.

Answer 6

Is there an aggressive and assertive way to tell her to stop bothering me and to bother my boyfriend instead, but still not impolite enough for her to be able to complain about me being rude?

I had a similar situation where I was asked by someone to refer to my friend to get that person a job. When my friend was busy and couldn't reply, he kept contacting me, so I said him like,

I did what I could. I gave you his number. Please call him. If he doesn't answer, try to text him on Facebook¹ or leave a message or voicemail on his number.

_{1. I added it for your case.}

If she calls you again, say the same thing again. Getting the same reply a couple of times will make her stop as it did in my case. If it doesn't, try a more direct approach.

I can't really do anything about this. I already gave you his contact details. Please try calling him or leaving a text.

And as @Edgar mentions in his answer, next time try to say that your job is done here, but don't say that it is not your responsibility anymore because it'd sound more rude.

Answer 7

There seems to be some debate on responsible.

The way I read your question you just introduced the two and never made yourself part of the arrangement.

I get she is frustrated with your boyfriend (bf) and calls (well texts) you as he is not responsive. It is unfortunate she is not satisfied with your bf but it is not your fault nor responsibility. If you had said he has tutoring experience and knows C# when he does not then you gave a false reference which is on you. I am not reading that you gave any false representation.

As for your bf not telling her that is between him and her. It is not your place to share the reason with her. If your bf wants her to know then he should tell her.

I take it your bf is aware you don't want to be called. If not tell him.

I don't think it is appropriate for her to call you in the first place so I think you will need to be firm.

This is matter between [his name] and you. I have already provided you with contact information. Those contacts are still valid.