Communicating my (one-sided) exclusivity without pressuring

Question

Context: London, UK, dealing with same-sex male relationships.

I have a recurring issue whenever I date someone new, and all the IPS solutions I have tried to come up with have failed in the past in dealing with this.

When dating someone new, it is my personal preference to refrain from meeting anyone else either for a date or a casual encounter. The reasons for this are two-fold: I like to invest my remaining energy in one person, and for physical intimacy, even knowing someone once before makes me a lot more comfortable, as opposed to someone new.

The person usually finds out about this through a tangential discussion they may bring up, like sexual safety preferences (which I am content discussing and think it's wise to), or some tangential topic. And the problem is either: they think I have become attached to them early, or just knowing this makes them feel pressured to be exclusive early on.

Despite doing my best to stress it's just how I function, and not related to early attachment or a means to pressure them into it too, I am often unsuccessful in convincing them.

Moreover, because I often date much older than me (approx. 10 years), their belief that it could be down to early attachment due to my inexperience relative to them is reinforced.

How can I go about communicating and reassuring why I am exclusive early on, without pressuring them, as it is not my intent at all?

Answer 1

• Rather than explaining the preference, explain the framework.

I made the experience of dating two people at the same time. The two most stressful weeks of my whole life. It's not that I couldn't; I'm just bad at multitasking in a more general way and I need some consistent time alone.

In your question, you write something pretty similar about preserving energy. You could introduce the features of your personality that lead you to such a preference before talking about the preference itself. After all, your preference doesn't come out of the blue; on the contrary, it is the product of your personality, needs, points of view etc. Talk about those. It is a matter of both dropping phrases here and there ("I'm too stressed out by multitasking, I feel like I have to finish a thing before starting another") and talking thoroughly about a topic, for instance being an introvert that needs some time alone to recharge his energy or something alike.

• Show them that you have a social life.

Mention your friends to them, tell them what you did last night with your flatmates, send a picture of something a friend will appreciate in their presence and explain it to them. In short, show them that they are not the only person in your emotional life and that you don't need them to have an emotional balance. Of course you'll be more than happy to be with them, but if they can see that you're an emotionally mature person they will feel freed from the weight of being the older guy.

If a) the explanation of your monogamy comes after some unrelated disclosure of your personality to them; and b) they can see they're only a part of your life and not the center, by the time you'll tell them that you prefer to date one persone at a time they will know that it is a matter that fits naturally in your personality and that it's not related to some ill attachment to them.

Answer 2

There's no way to completely dissuade them from reading between the lines of whatever you say, but it's probably sufficient to explain it the way you did here. As in, take the time to explain why you choose to operate that way and that you're not requiring or expecting them to operate the same way.

Honesty is usually the best policy when it comes to most things, even more so when it comes to romantic relationships. Honesty builds trust, which obviously ought to be a two way street... Which kinda seems to be the underlying issue here, you're being honest and apparently not being believed.

Unfortunately, there's not really a fool proof way to address that issue either. All you can really do is be honest and hope for the best. Dating people a little closer to your own age/experience level may help a bit, but I'm already stretching beyond the question asked, so I'll leave that be.

I can say that at different points in my life I leaned towards dating in much the same way that you do, it's just easier all the way around to focus on a single partner, even earlier on in a relationship, so don't feel like you're odd for doing it that way. I was usually honest and upfront and for the most part it seemed to work out. It's just a matter of finding someone who has similar relationship goals. (Some folks prefer to play the field without really wanting or looking for anything terribly serious)

Most folks date a good few people between major, serious, committed relationships. Some folks date around and may go out with someone on Friday and someone else on Saturday, while others prefer to date the same someone each Friday for a while before deciding to look elsewhere. Nothing really wrong with either approach, as long as everyone is being honest, just different strokes for different folks.