Some background about me and my girlfriend:
- We are in a long distance relationship for more than four years, so we only see each other on weekends (unfortunately not every weekend), but this is about to change soon (we are thinking of moving in together)
- We both live in Germany
- We are in our early 20s
- I still live with my parents
- She has her own little apartment
- We both are a little introverted and don't have a lot of (good) friends
- This is her first relationship, and my first to last this long
My girlfriend sometimes has problems expressing herself in a decent manner; that means she is most of the time very direct.
And that is where the problem lays. Whenever I do something and she has a different opinion about it, she is insulting me and whenever we make a mistake (if we do something together) she keeps blaming me for it.
A little Story/Example
This is a story that recently happened, and which resulted in me being heavily blamed and insulted.
She saw an ad for a cupboard on a website for used stuff, which was pretty cheap and it looked like it was in good shape. So we decided to take a look at it, and possibly buy it, which we did.
Back at her apartment (she lives on the second floor, so we have to get the cupboard upstairs). We tried to carry it up, but unfortunately we weren't able to get it up in one piece; that means there is a big scratch on the side. We both aren't the strongest and it was a heavy piece and the staircase is not very furniture-friendly. But we both did our best (which she knows).
Now she is pretty sad about the cupboard, so I tried to comfort her (that's not my strong suit). And while we reassembled the cupboard (we removed the doors before carrying so it would be easier to carry), she started to "insult" me, by telling me how bad of a craftsman I am, and that she would wish that I could handle stuff like this better.
While I am not the most skilled craftsman - I come from a family of craftsmen, so I learned a lot while growing up, but it is not my profession - I still don't consider myself as incapable of this, which I tried to tell her, but she kept going on. She also kept telling me that I could have done better while carrying the cupboard, and that as I am the man I should be much stronger. But actually it was both our fault that the cupboard did not survive like planned.
She also told me that I was stupid because I didn't hold it well enough.
I hope you were able to get an idea of how she hurts my feelings. While this might sound like a triviality, what's really hurting is, that she won't stop when I tell her that this hurts my feelings instead she keeps repeating, that in a relationship she should be able to tell me what she thinks (see: "What I've already tried"). I also think that this is disrespectful. This is just an example where this happened the last time, this happens very often.
What I've already tried
Talking to her that this hurts my feelings, to which she responded that in a relationship she needs to be able to tell me what she thinks. While I am of the same opinion, that you should be able to tell what's disturbing you with your SO, I don't think that doing this using harsh language is the correct way, as this is not at all constructive and hurting.
How can I show her that her behavior hurts my feelings and that I would like her to stop doing this?
Whenever she has something on her mind I try to comfort her, listen to her and reinforce her.
What I want to avoid
- I don't want to break up with her