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Background

We are in our mid 20s living in Germany and have separated over one and a half years ago. We have grown even closer despite breaking up back then. I broke up with her because of her lack of affection towards me (she knows it, we talked a lot about it). As per her words I am the closest person to her; closer than anyone has ever been. Since our breakup we have had sex once (December last year), as per her own words it wasn't a mistake. She confided in me that she throws me out after one to two hours because she fears we would have sex (January). We sometimes talk about sex and intimacy in general; face to face works about 40 to 50% of the times, while via text works only 10 to 20% of the times.

Whenever I insist on getting an answer from her (this includes any and all topics) she starts ignoring me (has been like that since we first met each other).

Situation

Last time we met (Saturday the week before last) we were almost intimate. She didn't want to because it were her fertile days.

Question

How can I talk to her about our intimacy when most of the times she either ignores the questions or changes the subject?

Goals

Obviously I don't mind being intimate with her, even asexual intimacy, though I don't want to get back together with her yet (she knows it, we also talked a lot about that). Edit: I do not wish for her to only be intimate with me because of fear I may leave her completely. Which is why I need to know if she is being honest when we get intimate.

Knowledge I seek from talking to her about it:

  • Why she avoids the subject most of the times
  • Why she wants to have sex with me now

Bonus: Make her comfortable talking about (our) intimacy with me.

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    Questions: 1. Do you know for a fact she is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you? 2. Do you know for a fact she is straight (if you are a man) or homosexual (if you are a woman)? 3. Do you think there is a possibility that she is asexual? As in, she does not want to have sex period, no matter who it is with? – Crazy Cucumber Mar 21 '18 at 15:55
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    I’d definitely add to the question that you don’t mind asexual intimacy. Because it sounds like you’re only looking for sexual intimacy. Also, in the interest of this question not getting closed, I’d remove your questions regarding why would she do something. It’s kind of impossible for anyone here to be able to answer that for you. But your original question of how to talk to her about it has potential. – Crazy Cucumber Mar 21 '18 at 16:29
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    "I broke up with her because of a lack of affection" you mean you had no feelings, or she didn't give enough affection, or both? That's unclear – peufeu Mar 21 '18 at 20:48
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    Could you clarify what there is to talk about? Why do you want to talk about sex and what questions are you trying to answer? And why do you think she should answer your questions which she - apparently - doesn't want to answer? – AllTheKingsHorses Mar 22 '18 at 9:32
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    @user15683 Sorry, your question - or maybe your emotional situation - is still rather unclear and/or weird to me (and that's why I can't post an answer). She regards you as the closest person in her life, is friends with you, and seems to be attracted to you physically. Aren't those good enough reasons to have sex with you? As for why she doesn't want to talk about her intimate thoughts and feelings: you are the one who made the relationship casual by "breaking it off" - but it seems you expected "breaking it off" to mean something else than her? – AllTheKingsHorses Mar 23 '18 at 16:05
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Bad news: affection != sex. If you broke up because she wasn't affectionate enough towards you and this hasn't changed, things aren't going to become better because you're sleeping together.

You can talk to her about it, but it most likely won't change her feelings or actions. What you need to decide is what you want from a relationship- are you ok with casual sex? Is holding on to something you already decided wasn't working keeping you from pursuing better alternatives (other people who would be more affectionate)?

If she's ignoring the subject, either it's because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings (by saying she likes you but not that much or in that way) or she doesn't want to face her own feelings/actions, either because she has issues with being close to people or she feels guilty about keeping you hanging on when you're not a good match for each other. It's definitely not a good sign.

First and foremost, you need to decide what you are looking for in a relationship (in general, not just with her) and decide if how things are going could honestly become that. Don't be afraid to let something meh go so you can find something great.

Unfortunately, when we are young and bad at communicating our needs and wants, we can hurt each other like this and waste so much time. First, decide what you need and are looking for. Then, if you think it's worth it, talk to her about it frankly and see if she's changed her mind. If not, move on and find someone who will treat you how you deserve. Don't waste another year and half wondering.

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I am thinking that a good answer might be just let the subject go. If she wants to talk about it, she will let you know.

After all, sounds like your both attracted to each other, but that your relationship is in the realm of casual and not committed. When you have a relationship like this there are some things that you feel you shouldn't need to worry about. Like high expectations of one another and deep involvement in each other lives. You take it as it is and if you don't care for it, you leave some or all of it behind.

One of the things that does not really fit well in a casual relationship is talking about the relationship. Conversations that start with something like "Honey we need to talk" rarely turn out well. Your not a couple and talking about terms is just not what casual relationships are about. They are casual and not committed.

She is going to give you what she is going to give you. If she does not want to talk about the intimacy, it means that she wants to keep it on her terms. If you force the issue with her, I think she will feel that you are invading her space. If she wants to talk about it at sometime, talk about it, but your best approach I suggest is no approach.

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If, by your own words, she ignores or dodges questions about intimacy and has been since you first met then she is obviously uncomfortable talking about it. There could be a rather large variety of reasons behind it, including mundane reasons such as not wanting to put you off, but also anxiety about revealing 'secrets' that she is not prepared to share with you or anyone.

She may never share with you even when you are in a position of deep trust. And you are not in that position right now, because you broke up.

If you really need to know then you need to regain that position of deep trust, which entails getting back together again but then at a deeper level which would require a lot of investment from you during which intimacy is rarely discussed and only performed if both are willing. And still she may not tell you because it is too embarrassing or painful.

If you want to know as a precondition for getting back together again then you are sunk. Let it go.

If you just want to know if she is being honest with you when you are intimate then you already gave your answer in the comments following the question. She is attracted to you, you are a close friend, you were a couple (it is not all that uncommon for separated lovers to still be intimate with one another, especially if there is no new SO) and obviously wanted to have sex or cuddle or whatever.

Note: I was in the position of the girlfriend, uncomfortable discussing intimacy, because of anxiety issues. I ended up needing a therapist to sort that out.

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Well, you sound rather tedious to keep around. You are not in a relationship, yet you constantly press for answers for some reason, answers that you apparently consider lying ready-made in some mental or factual drawer withheld from you as their rightful receiver out of spite.

Has it never occured to you that casting things into an answer requires committing to them and becoming responsible for articulating, owning and defending them?

You don't want to commit to the responsibilities of a relationship but demand access to her mind and the right to force her to think and decide about personal feelings and thoughts and convey them.

In a manner, that's quite more intimate and invasive than sex. Why doesn't she get the right to think about the two of you in her way and on her terms?

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You're in a dysfunctional relationship. It is not a relationship that will blossom or become better. She likes to control you by pulling you close when she wishes, then when she wishes she pushes you away. Intimacy is the least of the issues here. You really need to explore why you would let a person treat you like a yo-yo. There is no good intimacy when only one person is getting their needs meet. That person is her. You need to walk away completely.

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