I have asked this question in The Workplace, but it didn't seem to be the good place for this question, so I'm trying my luck here.

I have been working in the place I currently am for more than a year now (IT sector), and since a few month, I have the feeling that I'm being left out. We're about ten in the room where I am, and we're using Slack to communicate. However, it seems that there are lots of conversation groups between the other colleagues, and I'm in none of them, while the others are at least in one of them (excepted the main big ones, such as '#random' or '#general').

Since I'm here, two new guys have joined the team, and it looks like they got better integrated that I was / am: for an example, when the rest of the team decide to go to a restaurant for lunch, they ask everybody one by one... except me.

Maybe I happen to be the weird and lone guy, or maybe it's because I've done several (not that) small mistakes in the past that made everyone lose their mind (me included), but even since before, I have this feeling that I'm missing out a lot of social stuff that seems to be happening right next to me. Maybe it's also the context and the project that have been assigned to them that integrated them more.

The only person I could talk about this is the lead developer, anyone else would be a weird choice (manager included). My question is, how should I approach him?

My goal is not really about making friends, it's more being naturally involved in events.


First of all, I realized that I tried everything you guys suggested beforehand, and I didn't put it in my original question, sorry about that.

I also managed to speak with the lead developer. For the context, I'm way closer to him than to any manager in this society, that's why I mentioned him. He apologized about the lunch at the restaurant, and told me that many factors (not linked to me, but more about the project, how we are arranged in the workspace, the persons that work in the same project, etc) made him kind of forget me, and apologized once again. I feel relieved now, thank you all for your suggestions!


3 Answers 3


First of all, try to engage in some conversations or pick an interesting conversation topic and start talking about it with your colleagues. That's how you can let them know that you exist.

For starters, you can greet them with a smile, and try to know them. (Don't overdo that anyway. :))

After a while, they will likely to involve you in their group conversations and maybe not leave you out in other activities they do.

Since you mentioned that it's not really about making friends, it's more being naturally involved in events, you can skip above things.

If it still happens, you just have to convey that you're feeling left out and ask them reasons. Remember you shouldn't blame them. Therefore, try something like following with a polite tone.

I felt really left out when you guys went to the restaurant and didn't ask me along. Was there any reason why you didn't ask me?

Now, you have to listen to their reasons and make changes accordingly.

Also, try not to look too desperate while asking for reasons because it's possible that you are coming across as desperate. Therefore, you should try to stay open-minded and don't force them to include you.

Still, it happens, remember life is too short to waste on friends who don't value you and move on.

I used to be an introvert guy and don't talk much. Therefore, I was left out from many activities my classmates used to do. For me, starting some interesting conversations and getting to know them worked, though.

  • I kind of tried your suggestions excepted directly asking the reasons (if there are any), so I think I'll do that really soon. It's not really about making friends, it's more being naturally involved in events
    – Jaeger
    Mar 27, 2018 at 12:30
  • Well, then you can try asking for reasons and skip the rest. I only added them since you mentioned Maybe I happen to be the weird and lone guy.
    – A J
    Mar 27, 2018 at 12:34
  • I edited my question with the "answer" in it, thank you for your suggestions!
    – Jaeger
    Mar 27, 2018 at 14:08

In which country do you work? It can be important, because in Germany, for example, people are not usually approaching you if they dont have an interest in you as a person or as a collegue.

I dont think, that aproaching your teamlead will change something. And do not take your mistakes personal, everyone does them. They are not the reason, why no one ask you to go to lunch. People dont owe you anything, take it in your hands.

I had the same experience in my office, since I was new in the team as intern from other country, so the feeling of been left out stayed with me for a good mounth or more, because groups were already gathered. It became better when I started to approach other students and colleages in department.

Possible approaches could be - "How is your work going? How was your weekend?" You can also ask for help, even if dont need it. Some people like when they are asked for help, it gives them the feeling of usefullness.

I am quite sure there is a person with witch you talk more then with the others, try to stick to him or her. It could be weird, but you can simply join the group in which you person are. Ask the person if you could join. I dont think, they will say, that you are not welcome, it would be very rude.

And be social, join the conversations, listen to what people say, you can ask them about it later to start the conversation.

  • I edited my question with the "answer" in it, thank you for your suggestions! I had to choose between you and the above question but if I could I'd also vote for your answer too, because even if I come from France, the approaches you suggested fit a lot with my context, so, thank you again!
    – Jaeger
    Mar 27, 2018 at 14:09
  • @Jaeger no problem) I am happy, that you have some movements and relive in your situation. Take care! Mar 28, 2018 at 8:06

I've had this situation a while back and I found a solution that worked great:

If you feel left out of events, you can simply organise your own. Make sure you invite a friend or two that are outside or your work environment, and then invite every one to a night out.

You can put a casual message on the general slack channel along the lines of :

Hey I'm gonna grab a few beers tomorrow night with a friend, if you guys want to come, feel free to join us at 18:00 at the "last bar before the end of the world"

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