How do you deal with someone who's pushing you without explaining yourself?

Question

There are certain people, especially family members you see from time to time or other close relatives, who simply don't know where to stop when offering you something. Usually it's about drinking alcohol, eating cake or other things I must do because everyone else does that too.

When they ask me whether I want it, I just say "no, thank you" and then it starts... it turns out it wasn't a polite question but actually an order so they start digging why I don't want to drink with them or why I don't eat this delicious cake?

It never stops until it's too much for me and I end the conversation with "It's enough now, I won't drink it!" or I simply throw in "Stop, it's not your business".

I know they are the ones being rude by insisting on me doing something I don't want to but still, I wouldn't like to end it this way and prefer them leaving me alone without starting an argument or insulting someone with a pretty impolite response... or maybe there is no other way?

I don't want to explain myself why I refuse to do something (like many answers suggest: one, two, three, four - please don't get me wrong, these are all good answers, however not for this scenario). It's not their business and I don't want to discuss this with them.

I really don't know what else to say but explaining my self like: I don't like it, I already ate, I'm tired, I'm allergic (not really, but sounds like a good excuse), or even I prefer not to drink from this cup because it looks dirty etc. etc. which usually doesn't work well because they very quickly will crush it and come up with an anti-reason.

In case there is no good way of handling this without excuses maybe there is some ultimate universal excuse that cannot be undermined easily and will stop these pointless conversations before they escalate?

Answer 1

He who asks the question controls the interaction.

I have found that the party in a conversation that is asking questions is in control. It sounds as though confrontation in these situations is inevitable. They have already made this confrontational by insisting. They then take control of the interaction by asking "defensive inducing" questions to get you to give in. (What would one little piece hurt? Why can't you just celebrate with us? etc.) You are already finding yourself in a defensive situation with any answer you give. Instead of answering, find a question and ask until they are tired of answering. Here are some suggestions:

Why do you insist that I eat/drink this when I have said "no"?

Do you know what "no" means?

Is your opinion more important than mine?

Why do you insult me by not listening to what I have already answered on this? Am I not important to you?

Again, whenever you start to feel defensive, remember to pause and then "Ask a Question Instead".

Answer 2

What works for me with the food pushing relatives is:

• Saying something like "I'm sure it's delicious / That looks nice - but I don't want any at the moment" the first time. This should make it clear to well-meaning people that you don't have anything against their food, you're just not hungry/in the mood.
• Saying a brief and neutral "No, thank you" about 1 to 3 times when the pushing is repeated.
• After that just completely ignoring any more offers and talking about something else, if necessary with somebody else. Just don't engage. Convince yourself that it's not a big deal and that it's the most natural thing to decline food when you're not hungry - because it is. Don't apologise, don't explain anymore, act like its completely normal and not a big deal. Maybe their offer of food is an involuntary action to them, like coughing or farting, so just politely overlook it.
• If they're still pushing after being ignored a few times, do yourself a favour and leave their presence. They are actively being hostile towards you and don't respect your free will. If another relative asks "Why did you leave" and you feel like the answer would change something you could say "Uncle Bob was really making things very uncomfortable for me when he tried to force feed me that cake, so I left."

Answer 3

Or maybe there is some ultimate univeral excuse that cannot be undermined easily and will stop this pointless conversations before they escalate?

It depends on how confrontational you want to be. Some of these people are your family members or friends, and you have a interest in not upsetting them or making them dislike you. Being confrontational about this has a chance of doing that. It all depends on the character of people you're talking to, of course, but if you're dealing with people who will just not take no for an answer, making made-up excuses will usually make it worse.

My aunt is like this, and sometimes she will just not stop nagging. In these instances, I found making up a excuse to be extremely detrimental in the long run. Whatever you present - they'll try and find a way around it.

One of these incidents included me not wanting to come to a ski trip because I didn't feel like spending my holidays that way. I didn't want to hurt her feelings too much so I made up something about having no money to go, which resulted in her raising money from my father and herself to pay for my trip expenses. In the end, I went on the trip against my wishes - an issue that could have been avoided if I had been truthful.

You can't completly avoid upsetting people by refusing to comply, but you can set your own boundaries. For example:

No, I don't want to do that.

When they insist

I don't want to talk about this anymore

And just keep saying that. It'll get better after the first couple of times. Once they get the hang you'll assert your boundaries, they'll ease off quicker.

Answer 4

Seeing a guest with an empty plate or glass immediately triggers the "I am not a good host - I need to keep them supplied" instinct. To prevent that, make sure you don't give the impression that you ran out.

With drink, just take very small sips. When you don't want to drink any more, just move the full glass to your lips and pretend to be drinking without actually opening your mouth. You appear to follow all the drinking rituals as socially expected, but don't actually consume much. This trick can be vital to surviving any heavy drinking social event if you can not hold your liquor well.

When it comes to food, there are vast cultural differences between different parts of the world. In some cultures, you are expected to leave food on your plate. If you eat all of it, then either it is perceived as a request for the host to give you more or it is even perceived as greedy. In other cultures, you are supposed to finish your plate, because not doing so tells the cook you don't like their food. If you are not sure what's expected from you in the current cultural environment if you don't want to eat anymore, then you can usually not go wrong by eating very slowly. You don't give the impression that you are finished, but not the impression that you don't like the food either.

Answer 5

I personally find that you can only be nice to a certain degree, and after that you have to start putting your foot down. The first time they ask, you can respond with something like this

No, I don't want any of that right now; but thank you for the offer

If they continue to push, then you can get more firm but not aggressive

No. I've already said I don't want to do that

At this point, any civil human being would get the message that they're pushing you and would quit. If they (for whatever silly reason) continue to push you to do the thing, you need to put your foot down

Look, I've told you I don't want to do that and I'm not going to. Quit trying to coax me into it!

A lot of people seem to have an issue with saying no because they think it will lead to an argument. The trick is to be firm, but not aggressive. You need to stick to your guns or else people are just going to walk all over you. Do not stoop to their level.

Answer 6

AllTheKingsHorses answer is very good and I agree with it, but one additional "trick" I've used after a couple of polite refusals is to say something like:

It looks far too good to be wasted on someone who really doesn't want to eat it.

I've found that bringing up the fact that it's a waste of food giving something to someone who doesn't appreciate it can sometimes have the desired effect.

Answer 7

Personally, whenever I am asked if I would like a glass of X or a slice of Y or a piece of Z or even a packet of J, I often say "No." However, recently I noticed that if I say "Yes," then I get a packet / bag / piece / glass of XYZJ and I stow it away for later on, or I give it to other friends that may not have been present when I was offered the "thing."

Some of my other friends think that this is a great and fun way to go about what can be a tricky family / friend environment, for which I think the above posits a perfect solution.

Answer 8

I totally respect your decision to abstain from anything you choose without explanation. There are lots of good personal reasons why many people don't drink (eg sobriety, or medication) or eat cake (eg dieting, or diabetes). I am not implying any of these are your reasons, this is just to reaffirm your right on this matter. (Personally I don't like to eat or drink anything if I don't know who made it or how it was made)

People that insist are normally doing so from a good place. Maybe they think you are being overly polite by turning it down and they want you to feel comfortable. They may not realise that by insisting they are having the opposite effect!

The most effective methods of verbally turning something down are those that leave no room for questioning. For example, if someone offers you alcohol, rather than say "no thank you", you could say:

I can't.

Unqualified, this will make the person think of the possibilities why you cannot eat cake / drink alcohol. Hopefully they will realise in that moment that some of those reasons are personal and not pry any further. Most people would not want to have an impromptu discussion about alcoholism and sobriety at their party. But that may not be the case with everyone!

Whatever you say, you may find yourself being questioned. Unfortunately a subsection of those people who try and will pressure you into drinking without thinking of your possible reasons for saying "no thank you" may also be oblivious to those reasons.

But your question is about avoiding giving an explanation, and the fact is that you are not obliged to give an explanation just because someone asks! I don't believe there is a fool-proof, universal way to avoid being asked a question; however the interpersonal solution is simply to decline to answer.

If pressured after your first statement, you could say again, nicely:

I really can't, sorry.

Add any sweetening statement you like, eg "it looks delicious though".

Remember that you are in control of yourself and your actions. You can't control another person, but you can take charge of the conversation. Without leaving any gap for discussion you could change the subject. In some social situations such as at a party when its noisy and everybody is mingling, saying a few words, then it might not be so rude to just say no, or whatever, and then look away or move on.

Answer 9

Sigh, I feel your pain....

As Philipp already pointed out, I think most of those pressures are from the idea that the guest does not eat while the host is hungry and to mollify their conscience about the greed they absolutely want that you share your meal.

My mother knew that I like Rosinenschnecken (which is a kind of German bun) and every single time I announced my visit she bought five (which is enough for 3 people!!) of them. If you are away from home, you see it as a nice gesture...the first times. But then you are confronted with those buns every single goddamn time you come to visit...again and again and again...and mother is pouting because you don't eat all of them. She was also the kind of mother who had 2 (!) fully-packed freezers at home, because you know, 2 complete soccer teams could invade our home and being left hungry. Sooner or later you begin to dread those trips because you tell them you don't want them anymore and they refuse to listen.

So here is my incomplete list how I tackled people who are "no"-deaf.

• The harmless "no"-deaf: You can often avoid this pointless thumbscrew interview by accepting an ersatz dish: Instead coffee a glass of water and instead cake something other to eat (even crispbread). The main thing is that the host sees that you are eating and drinking something and his conscience is happy.

• Avoid the "no": Come later for dinner and invite them beforehand so you have control what is offered and what you can eat. Or bring something with you to offer them because it is a insert home-town here speciality. Or let you meet people together on people you know who are not insistent.

• Let them fear the consequences: You tell them you would like to eat, but on the way to them you suddenly your stomach felt really, really sick...for best effect open your eyes with a slight look of despair and burp deeply.

• Avoid the times when they are eating: Many families have a ritual with eating, if you know when they are eating normally, place your visiting times so that you are out of time. With luck they only invite you to drink something.

• The final solution: "Tell me, dear, when has X visited us the last time? It seems a long time ago."

Answer 10

Here are some suggestions that are perhaps more effective for larger family gatherings or business events, though they may be less helpful in smaller, more intimate settings, which some of the other answers already address.

Stalling can be a great technique to use in these settings, e.g. you can say,

sure, I will in a bit!

and it's likely that the pushy person won't follow you around the family gathering to make sure you try the food or drinks. A bit later, if they see you and ask again, you can tell a white lie, e.g. say

I've tried it already, it was great!

If they instead ask you at the end of the party, you can go with

Sorry, it slipped my mind! I'll be sure to try it next time!

If you find that stalling does not work, because, say, you do have someone following you around and making sure you take a piece of cake or a glass of wine, etc., then your next option could be to simply take the offer, say thank you, walk away, and then find a good time and place to discard the food or drink. For example, if it is alcohol, you can go to the bathroom with it and then pour the drink down the toilet or the sink.

(You might want to hold onto the plate and utensils, or the empty bottle of beer, to give the impression that you've consumed it.)

Whether you're stalling or accepting the offer and then discarding the contents later, always respond with a smile, so that there is minimal questioning by the person who is being pushy. If you respond aggressively, they will tend to ask you more questions, e.g. "but why won't you?" or "what's wrong?", which makes it more difficult for you to navigate these situations.

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Sources:

https://www.webmd.com/diet/obesity/features/how-say-no-food-pushers#3 https://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.asp?id=1685

Answer 11

The easiest thing I've found that works is a simple:

okay, [I'll have it] in a min

or

in a bit

People don't like being rejected, especially when they believe they are being nice & kind. You may not feel that way, but they certainly do. This is a nice way to alleviate the pain of rejection but also stop them from forcing it upon you.

I've found that people: 1] won't even give you the object if you tell them you'll have it later. 2] will have already forgotten you told them later, later. 3] no one really wants to pry about "later," because it's not absolute.

It gives you a lot of leeway and calms the situation down.

And who knows, maybe you will want it later.

Answer 12

Many answers go a very diplomatic route. Which is totally perfect and works in many cases. However, in some cases it won't. Or the effort isn't worth your time. I have a more confrontational approach to offer.

Remember, the more confrontational you are the more you are at risk to ruin a relationship but it can have a more assertive effect than more diplomatic options.

So someone bugs you too much with something you really don't want. Say, a glass of beer or a cigarette. You should always decline politely a few times and include that you really don't want whatever they offer. Also make clear that you will ask yourself should that change, to make it totally clear there is no reason to keep asking. If they bring it up again, make sure you signal annoyance. If they insist, take it. Then throw it into the trash.

If they ask why you did that or get agitated on why you waste good X, remember them you warned them, they gave it to you as a gift, which made it yours and you decided that was the best you can do with it.

Okay, this is the extreme case, more suitable for semi-drunk youths having a go at cheap alcohol than family meetings, I applied it only once in this form - (and it was effective).

Typically it's enough to just make it clear you are annoyed and to announce that, okay, they can give it to you, but you will throw it away. This may shortly upset them, but it's a good "shock" moment that often brings across how much you really don't want whatever they are offering/trying to push onto you. Even more diplomatic and connected to Kevin's answer - you can announce that you will just give it some homeless dude or some friend.

The point is to escalate to a level where you don't threaten /verbally attack them personally, but shock them enough to make it clear you aren't just polite or holding your own desires (eating tasty cake/wanting to get drunk) back and that they are really bugging you.

Answer 13

Reassure them that you're not judging them by not partaking

Look, when it comes to people getting upset about having an offer turned down is that it comes down to the person becoming offended that you're "better than them".

People who eat [excessive amounts of] confectionery, drink alcohol or partake of "fun" things in life already know that what they're doing is not necessarily the best thing for them. Having someone reject that or abstain makes them realise that they shouldn't do it either. They have chosen to partake, and it's abrupt to hear you say no.

Rather than pick themselves up, they tend to prefer if everyone was down on their level.

In these situations, it's helpful to have a tactful way of saying "no" when also reassuring them that you're not judging them.

Not many people know this, but I don't drink alcohol (for many reasons), but if ever offered, I'll divert the issue by asking about it, taking an interest:

[with a smile]

Oh, what type is that? Is it sweeter than the stuff you had last time? I'm all good thanks, but you guys go ahead, I'll have some coke if you have some mate.

or

Haha, nah thanks, I'm on a diet

Or if offered chocolate or confectionery that I don't like or feel like at the moment, I usually divert by either saying something silly like

No thanks, I'm sweet enough as it is

or

Mate, look at me, do I look like I need cake?

or

No thanks, I'm driving

The last option is just too silly in that moment to feel threatened or disheartened by.

Now, I come from a Persian background, and if you've ever witnessed Persian "Tarof" then you'll know that it goes something like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIJBwBbLMMc

It's important to understand that you are not the problem; they are. They feel insecure about their choice to partake, or feel like it's tradition and are made to feel like they've done something wrong.

So find a way to make them feel ok with what they're doing, or at least that you're not partaking has nothing to do with them doing it.

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You said:

It's not their business and I don't want to discuss this with them
I agree, it isn't. So don't explain it. Divert and move on:

Them: Hey have some beer
You: Nah, all good. Hey did you see the [x] game last night? Crikey, what a fumble mate!

or

Them: Have some of this delicious cake
You: Nah thanks, haha I'm sweet enough as it is [cheeky grin]. Hey are you still going out with that sheila from last time?

Answer 14

One simple trick I can think of is asking a question rather than stating your point of view, so that will make your relatives(or anybody else at the gathering) think rather than insist. An example of the question is

Is it possible that I don't like $product_name (at the moment)?

I haven't tried it myselt to be honest, but it seems to be worth trying.

P.S.: let me know how it works in comments, if u try.

Answer 15

Possibly Ultimate Method:

Alcohol and cake usually signals the end or near the end of the meal time. So maybe you could just leave the party or whatever it is or disappear momentarily until after "cake time" is over.

Small tactics To avoid giving an excuse try:

-Take the cake or drink, but don't actually eat drink. It avoids confrontation by just going with it. However, you may know have to take some additional measures to make they won't start harassing you for not eating it. You may have to secretly throw it out when they aren't watching.

-Avoid these people around the moments you think they will harass you.

-Tell them something like "maybe in a bit"

Answer 16

A good way to do this is to say I'm full. Many people will accept this, as if the point of eating together is for everyone to stuff themselves into stupor.

If that doesn't work, there's always deception, as mentioned above.

Also mentioned above is when you're expected to eat everything on your plate. Another reason for this is that in some cultures, not finishing what you have is tantamount to wasting food. (Although better to go to w-a-s-t-e than to w-a-i-s-t.)

For some reason, people try to get people to eat more whether they want to or not. They will ignore diets, allergies, protests, and whatever and they'll tell you to eat it anyway, as if you should just set all your objections aside and dig in.

(I have this fantasy about this old-fashioned grandma who pushes food at her granddaughter, who is trying to keep her attractive figure. She thinks she's doing it out of love, but at one point the granddaughter lashes out, "why do you hate me so much?" It could be a recurring theme on a sitcom.)

Answer 17

First of all, your answers are not rude, you are just defending yourself. Imagine someone threatens you with a knife, is it rude if you punch him? If they insist, you could simply repeat "No, thank you". Maybe you can start a conversation with someone else, so they are less likely to bother you again. If they ask again simply stick to your answer "No, thank you". Another possible answer, after they asked more than once, is "How often do I have to decline", that is a polite way of saying, "Do you not understand meaning of the word No?".

Answer 18

My method, which I find to be very effective if not too effective, is to offer them some other illegal drugs in response to their offer. In some areas where marijuana is illegal, it doesn't even have to be illegal drugs but it still me be treated as illegal to the person.

It goes like this. First you must ensure that the person isn't in to drugs and tends to be the rule following more law abiding type, or they'll call your bluff and you'll might have follow through. When they offer you some alcohol, simply say no thanks I really don't drink alcohol. If they insist, then mention that you weren't sure if drugs were acceptable here but since they seem to be (alcohol is a drug), say that you have some brownies with weed in them that you would love to share. The brownies don't have to have weed in them but you can still bring them in and if nobody eats them then you have a justification for not drinking your alcohol that they gave you.

This should put an end to it. It helps reveal fascist beliefs, put things in perspective, and helps them to understand that other people have different customs and beliefs.

Social situations are sometimes like a chess game to me. If someone does something to you, you can sort of defend yourself, or you can move to attack their piece.