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We have met around 4 months ago, we both are from the same country and are on an internship abroad. She lives quite far from me (around 400 km). We have chatted a bit since we've met and our communication in real life has been nice.

We are in our early 20s and I like her and would be happy if her stay would result in something more (sex), but I also don't want to be inappropriate and make this visit an uncomfortable experience - I don't know if she is interested in me but I can't be sure she is not interested either. She's single and we've talked previously about her visiting but I was already busy at that time. Now that we've figured out our schedule, she will stay for 2 or 3 days and she'll be seeing my town and do some short trips to the nearest cool places.

I had mentioned to her before that she could come if she wanted to and I'd be glad. She accepted and then (a month after) I asked her if she wanted to come over for a weekend. It was supposed to be a weekend for more people actually, with a car rental and more invited friends but she was the only one who was interested in the end.

I'm not sure that I can read signals from women right, so the questions are:

Which signals could she give me to show her sexual interest? And how to read them right? How do I give her a signal that I am up to more, without making her visit uncomfortable?

I do have two beds in my apartment, so she wouldn't need to share with me if she wasn't interested.

UPDATE: We spent almost 5 nice days together (its a long Easter holiday in Germany). There was no signs of sexual interest from her side (or it seemed me so), no touches and she didn't seem to appreciate them from mine either, she also avoided to look me in the eyes and meet my double-meaning compliments with strange/uncomfortable looks. So i decided to focus on having a good time with her as friend instead of thinking about having sex with her.

Thank you all for the answers, I learned a lot and had a great time. I hope that this question will help someone in the future.

11 Answers 11

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People use a number of different signals to indicate that they are interested in physical intimacy. The signals someone uses will depend on how comfortable they are with you as well as their communication style. These typically fall into two categories: verbal and non-verbal.

Verbal cues

The verbal cues that people use range from extremely subtle to downright obvious. On the downright obvious end there are some who will state their intentions outright. I had a friend in college who asked me if I wanted to go to her place that night to have sex. It's unlikely that your friend will take this approach unless she is a very blunt person or extremely comfortable with you.

On the other end of the verbal cues spectrum is the double entendre.

a word or expression used in a given context so that it can be understood in two ways, especially when one meaning is risqué.

Double entendres are a very popular way to signal interest. I personally use them more than any of the other cues. Double entendres are popular because they allow you to build a rapport with someone through mutual understanding. Pay attention to the things she says as double entendres can often be missed.

Non-verbal cues

There are a number of non-verbal cues that are used as well, and again the prevalence of their use will depend on how comfortable the person is. Here are several cues that people use to signal interest:

  1. Eye contact
  2. Touches
  3. Distance

This list is by no means an exhaustive one, but it is a great place to start.

Eye contact

Eye contact can be one of the easiest signals to pick up on. Women who are interested will be making much more eye contact with you than women who aren't. Often times eye contact will be accompanied by facial expressions such as a coy smile or a raised eyebrow.

Touches

Another common non-verbal cue as to whether or not a woman is interested in you is the way she touches (or doesn't) you. Women who are interested will often touch you lightly. If you are facing each other, a woman who's interested may put her hand on your arm. If next to each other (walking, sitting on the couch, etc...) a woman may put her arm around your waist or lean against you.

Distance

Women who are interested will often maintain a shorter distance away from you. If you find her inching closer to you or standing much closer than would be normal for a conversation, this is often indicative of interest.

An important thing to note is that none of these things by themselves necessarily means that she wants anything more than someone to hang out with. Reading another person isn't just taking a single behavior and ascribing meaning to it. You want to look for a pattern of consistent behavior. You can also ask her if you aren't sure. If you see something that you think could be a sign, but aren't sure just say something like this:

Hey, I noticed you've been doing {noticed behavior}. Does that mean you are interested in something more than just staying for a weekend?

There are also a number of resources on the internet about how flirt which you can look at to try and reverse engineer the signals you are receiving. A few of my favories can be found here and here

NOTE:

As Spagirl pointed out in the comments, this is only the starting point. Being able to recognize the signals opens up the possibility for you to make your interest known. You can do this by asking as I have suggested or by following the advice posted in a few of the other good answers that have been posted to your question. These can help you safely and respectfully communicate your interest to her.

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    I agree with everything, except for asking her a direct question ("Does that mean you are interested in something more?"). She is likely not ready to admit it so openly. It would be embarrassing, and it could ruin everything. – Fabio Turati Mar 31 '18 at 15:23
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    As @FabioTurati, says, actually verbally asking would make you seem rather like a rather strange person in many cultures. It's important to be able to 'ask without asking' (and, of course, to take no - or yes - for an answer without hearing a literal 'no' or 'yes'). – user16064 Mar 31 '18 at 19:45
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You are a man, she is a woman. If there were a reliable way of reading her intentions, half of all books, movies, plays, songs, operas and other artwork would not exist.

You need to approach this question not from an angle of knowing, but from a position of high uncertainty.

You will never reach certainty until you straight out ask. However, at least in western culture, we have a double-bind deeply embedded in our courtship rituals: You cannot ask someone for intimacy until you are already very close.

So you need to reduce your uncertainty, step by step. You already know that she is single. You already know that she trusts you to some extent (spending a night in a man's home is not something that most women do easily).

Aside from that, she is probably in a similar situation.

You are asking how interested she is in you, but you seem to be unclear about how interested you are in her. Can you answer, without hesitation and with absolute certainty, if you would like to have her as a friend, sex partner, girlfriend or future wife? Are you certain where you want her on that scale or are you somewhat flexible, with preferences but no one clear answer?

How good is the chance that it is similar with her?

Most likely, you both don't have a clear answer and this weekend together is, without you realizing it, where you both will figure it out. If you are lucky, both of you come to the same conclusion. Potential for conflict exists if the answers differ.

The easiest solution, of course, is to talk. And keep talking. You will spend a lot of time together, so naturally you will talk. By themselves these talks will wander and your general principle should be to be honest and always make one step forward. Not two.

There is something called "the 12 stages of intimacy". Please Google it by yourself, as there are several approaches to the topic, some of which are a bit on the creepy (seduction artist) side, so I leave the choice to you. These is physical intimacy, the same principle holds for non-physical - whenever you notice that your conversation topics have moved on to something more personal, you've made a step.

Ok, after all of that, the simple answer is to become more intimate with her step by step and carefully watch if she is comfortable in following or not, and to follow her as long as you are comfortable when she makes a step.

You will never know if the next step is wanted. That is why it's called romance, because there is an element of uncertainty involved. That uncertainty is what makes it interesting and what causes the adrenaline rush that many people mix with the feeling of falling in love.

If you move too fast, you can get into awkward situations. If you move slowly, one step at a time, you can always lift that foot again and step back without losing balance.

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    I like how this answers points out that it is likely she is does not know this with 100% certainty either - so it's not about finding a fact, but rather exploring feelings. – sleske Mar 29 '18 at 12:07
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    "If there were a reliable way of reading her intentions, half of all books, movies, play, songs, operas and other artwork would not exist." You won the internet for today. Good answer too! – Caterpillaraoz Mar 30 '18 at 13:30
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So you can't even say, "I think she is interested in me"? You are jumping all the way from "It's not totally impossible she's interested in me," to, "She might want to sleep with me"?

Do not put her in the position of wondering, "If I tell him no, will I still have a place to sleep?". You have to let her make the first move, and you have to be very careful not to push things any farther than she wants, because she is a bit at your mercy, having nowhere else to stay.

But honestly, if the strongest statement you can make about your relationship is, "She hasn't bluntly told me she is uninterested in me", sex is not likely to be what she wants.

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    The point made by @swbarnes2 that she is at your mercy and you should not take advantage of it is very important....BTW, She agreeing to come over to your house might not really be a signal for sex, there can be many possibilities other than that......a few possibilities are .......she may be going through some tough phase or may be looking for someone to be by her side.....she just wants to beat her boredom by sharing some time with friends and she is treating you just like any other friend etc – aks Mar 28 '18 at 23:10
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    Please ... be respectful. What is obvious to you may not be obvious to everyone. – Catija Mar 28 '18 at 23:21
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    This is a good thing to keep in mind, but barely answers the actual question of "I'm not sure that I can read signals from women right, so how can I know if she is up to more than just hanging out in the city?" – spiral succulent Mar 29 '18 at 0:24
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    Sorry, but this simply does not answer the question, instead it lectures OP on something he has indicated in the question he already knows. – sleske Mar 29 '18 at 12:04
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    @sleske The important advice about not making her think she has to decide between sex and nowhere to sleep plus "You have to let her make the first move" seems as good an answer as many. – TripeHound Mar 29 '18 at 12:54
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Since she's staying for some days, you can also arrange have dinner and/or drinks in a more intimate setting, that could range from a restaurant to a late-night picnic somewhere with a beautiful view.

You will want to make the invitation as casual as possible at this point.

Hey, since you're going to stay for a few days, I'd like to take you to dinner at this place, what do you think? It has a great view of the city/great ambience/great energy.

That might already show your intentions a little and also provide a good setting for a possibly more romantic engagement. If she accepts, once you're both there you can take small steps to check her interest. As long as she is reciprocating then you might take on step further. If she stops reciprocating or drastically changes her behaviour it means she is not interested in going any further. Then you should slowly move back one step and not attempt anything else at this point. Keep looking happy and friendly even if you're a bit disappointed.

There are many ways this can be done and it's important to understand the context and adapt your method, but one "script" suggestion could go like this:

1) Try to talk about yourselves while keeping a lot of eye contact. Also when she's speaking, look at her mouth and hair too. Smile.

2) Try to move closer to her as you progress on conversation.

3) Try small and non obvious touching, such as legs, forearms, shoulders. This is easier if you have interesting things on your phone to show, so you can get closer.

4) Try a bit more obvious touching, such as hands or hair. You can achieve that by trying to mention her hair has a great cut/color/shape and touching it slightly. At this point you can also mention her hands are so delicate/strong and try to move on to the casual "let's compare hand sizes". This is where you can usually spot the interest or non-interest. If she feels comfortable touching the palm of her hands to yours, it's a fairly good sign she's interested. Especially if you guys keep eye contact, even better.

5) Move to talking about the both of you (as in an unity). For example, about how you met, how nice is that you're here now, how you've been wanting her to come over, etc. At this point you can also start to compliment her. Try to compliment all of her, not just her looks. Mention the things you like about her personality.

6) If everything worked up until here and she's looks happy about your compliments, you may do the "final" move. You can caress her face and lean in to kiss her.

Hopefully if you got to this point you can be pretty sure she's interested in you, but it doesn't mean she is going to want to have sex with you. I'd suggest you appreciate that moment together and see if things seem to heat up. Then you can ask if she wants to move it back to your apartment.

After that there are no good scripts anymore because it's mostly about reading each other's bodies. So you basically make sure she's comfortable with whatever you're doing and if in doubt always ask: "Is this okay?".

It is not a turn-off, it's a very responsible attitude and it will make her feel safe and give her time to think it over and make sure that's really what she wants. Remember she's far from her home and spending the night on a stranger's apartment. You don't want her to feel pressured to do anything.

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    Using "interesting things on your phone" to facilitate subtle touching... welcome to 2018, I guess! Seems like a useful list of tips you've given though, +1 – foobarbecue Mar 30 '18 at 21:32
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So far I'm mostly seeing these answers by other users: (1) guides to romance and (2) words of advice concerning the ultimate priority of your being a good host. Both are these are extremely relevant. But I'm not sure if any answers touch upon the interplay between host and visitor.

A priori, you don't know anything other than she trusts you with her personal safety and likes you enough as a personal acquaintance. Before assessing your romantic connection, gauge your host-visitor relationship.

Does she want to spend time with you, or time in your region?

That is, are you simply providing a safe stay, or will you two be spending some/the majority/all of the time together? The time spent together will indicate her interest in you as a human, without which there's no reason to think there's an interest in you as a partner.

Let's say she is interested in spending time engaging in activities with you.

Is her focus on the activities, or does it shift to you?

Do you engage in conversation of a personal nature? Essentially, are you bonding? That would be a strong indicator of deeper interest. Do you notice any indicators of interest (as described by Rainbacon)? You can then follow the romantic advice as given in other answers.

How does she carry herself around your house?

This really depends on personality, but is she comfortable dressing down? Does she feel comfortable entering your room and personal spaces? Does she sit beside you on the couch, rug, etc... or away from you? How does she react if you close the space between you? Typically when receiving guest, tacit boundaries are drawn. That is, some might find it odd if you entered "their" room or sat next to "their" pillow if, say, they were sleeping on your couch. So, since you're cohabitating, is she receptive to your sharing personal zones? It'd be a good sign of her physical comfort around you.

In summary, you are a host. Before moving into questions of romance, establish what kind of host she'd like you to be.

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This isn't a direct answer to your question but regardless of what she might be thinking you really need to work from the assumption that the trip will be platonic. Set up the spare bed for her with clean sheets and put some on your own while you are at it. Lay out some fresh towels for her and clean the place up, especially the bathroom.

If she is interested and you come on too strong or act presumptuous, you could blow it. Making her feel safe when alone with you is paramount. Also it's crucial that you don't suggest, imply, or give any indication that she owes you something for being allowed to stay there.

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There are two things you don't know:

  1. Is she interested in you.
  2. Is she going to have sex with someone without a relationship(nowadays in the western world most do but far from all).

If she is going to stay for more than one night, you can use the first night to see what happens. If there will be chemistry between you and she will move close to you, start touching you, hugging you, etc... then she's probably interested. Most girls still won't make the first move(I was in situations were they practically made out with me with their hands and body but I still had to be the one to make the first kiss) and you will need to be the one to kiss her, if you somehow managed to misunderstand the situation just say you're sorry, it will be awkward but you'll both survive.

If the kiss was successful, slowly proceed further. If she only wants to make out and not to have sex she will tell you when to stop. Talk to her about it and continue based on your conversation, at that point you will both know that you're interested in each other and everything will be easy.

If nothing happens on the first night, just talk to her and tell her you're romantically interested but you will also be happy to just remain friends. That will be awkward but you'll know where you stand after that.

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I would say, start before the visit. In the phone conversations, talk about your personal skills in this area and see how she responds.

I would not expect to share a bed or any intimacy with a friend... Especially when I am looking for a safe stay (saves money). This would need to be established prior to her coming to stay with you. She likely wanted to be with the group of friends (initial intent for the trip) but when everyone cancelled, she still wants to see the city and have a vacation experience on her own. This doesn't show any interest in you; just that she trusts you as a friend.

In the US, when a girl uses words like "good friend", "home boy", etc., she is being clear that this will not progress beyond friendship. If she says 'best friend' there is a slight (very slight) opening.

You'll have to show your interest in her by asking her about her life and things that concern her or make her happy... show that you care.

But for only sex, go back to the first part of this answer. Need to be flirty before the trip. Gauge her responses according to some of the other decent posts here. Does she laugh or does she seem uncomfortable? Does she respond with her skills in this area? ... that type of thing.

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    I took an (admittedly) short poll of the females around me - in the US - and we all agreed that we've never used the term "home boy" at all. Could you please explain maybe more your culture in the US so that we might better understand where you're coming from and, since the OP and the woman he's talking about are both Ukranian, how that affects the advice. – Catija Mar 30 '18 at 23:07
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    talk about your personal skills in this area What? You mean stuff like "I'm a stallion in the bedroom"? "I make sure my partner has an orgasm, because nice guys finish last"? That seems unlikely to come up in a phone convo unless you bring it up out of the blue... – Peter Cordes Mar 31 '18 at 1:50
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What is your target? One night stand, nice time with her, long-term relationship? You can expect that she is about to ask (herself) similar question and test you accordingly. Relax and respond.

Expect the worst but be ready for a change. Do not push in any way, let it slide. It may end as a nice weekend without success and turn in serious relationship some time after, or you may ruin everything.

Make two beds and let your doors (half) open so she can freely decide to cross the line, or not. Wherever you are about to rest, let her decide where she wants to rest.

Let her to push your limits while checking hers. If she is comfortable, then keep it and wait for a while, If she's not, step back ASAP.

There are many hints allready mentioned that shows "pushing the limits"

  • Longer eye contact
  • Focus
  • Shorter distance
  • "Accidental" touches
  • Change in word cadence
  • More personal topics in conversation
  • More intimate topics in conversation

And take it as a game to play with one target - have a nice time with each other.

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Avoiding eyes contact is not a good sign, but there is always a way.

First don't make her uncomfortable, let her decide what she wants, either to spend a One Night Stand with you, or to have a nice holidays.

Be sure that any push from you will end by ruining everything and maybe losing even contact with her ! (I was in this situation before).

I liked alot of advices from previous answer, and here I tried to summarize:

  • Make your best to let her feel like she's by her own, let her be comfortable.
  • In the first minute she comes to your home, show her the rooms, let her choose the bed she likes to sleep, and also the bed and the room you'll take.
  • If you are walking outside with her, try to take her hand but a nice way (without ruining everything).
  • Keep contact on her eyes while talking to her, but don't be too rude.
  • In the night, ask if she wants to watch a movie with you, and choose a romantic one you've already watched without telling her this point, and let her feel you're interesting on some romantic scenes.
  • Keep your door half-open when sleeping, and let her know that with telling her that she can come to you when she is scared or she needs something.


In the end it is a matter of taste, I mean if she is really interesting in ONS with you, she'll find a way in the end to get it even if you are not interesting ! (girls are always like that, they find a way doesn't matter how impossible it is).

Don't forget that if may be not working this time, but at least try to win her trust, so you can build on it in the future ;)

  • I like it, thanks for your opinion! – Deutche Knabe Aug 2 '18 at 14:34
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Brief, Direct, and Charming

The core of your question is "How can I know?"

Some time after a good laugh, out at dinner, you can simply say, "You know..." (wait a beat) "If you ever wondered..." (wait a beat) "The answer is yes." Smile. And change the subject.

Your position -- positive but not pushy, open but not needy. Later that evening, you'll probably get a good conversation out of it -- and maybe more.

A possible criticism is that you haven't really taken a risk, just dumped the risk in her lap. But I disagree. You've made the first move, very gently.

"Source" such as it is: I have said this, and it got me an answer.

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