This question focuses on my relationship with my mom. Most people who know her find her difficult to be around. She invites me to her place but there’s a 75% chance we get in a fight the first 15 minutes and I have to leave. This is a problem because it leaves me feeling upset and I waste travel time. I find she nitpicks until I lose my temper and then she kicks me out for getting mad.
For example today she invited me over for lunch. Whenever she speaks it’s like she’s giving orders. The first thing that bothered me is how she said ‘put the plates on the table!’ in a harsh tone instead of asking ‘can you put the plates on the table’. I brought over a bottle of wine as a gift and she got mad that I put it on the table so I moved it, but I don’t understand why someone would get mad about something like this. The third thing she did that made me lose my cool was I was touching my food with my fingers and she got mad at me for this. This was bad on my part but I started shoveling food in my face with my hands to prove that she can’t control how I chose to eat my food. She told me to leave and I did. Also, for the short time I was there she didn’t really engage with me except to boss me around.
Shortly after I left I got an email saying she had picked up groceries for me that are still at her home. This makes no sense to me as I was still very angry at her behavior.
This sort of thing has happened before and I don’t know how to stop it. I would like to spend less time around her but she reals me in by saying she has food for me at her home. It’s not really effective leaving when she acts in a way I don’t like as I already wasted a lot of time making the journey to her home.
I’m thinking of replying to the email
Last time it wasn’t pleasant for either of us when I came over. How will things be different this time? I’m confused why you get so angry over small things like how I put the bottle of wine on the table? I really don’t appreciate when you get mad at me.
How can I get her to speak to me nicer instead of ordering me around and using an angry voice? What should I say when she speaks to me in a way I don't appreciate? What should I do when she tries to coerce me to come visit her? When should I blow things off and when should I tell her to stop doing something? For example, with telling me to put the plates on the table in a bossy voice, I can ignore, but after several times when she told me not to eat with my fingers, I blow up. Just to be clear, even if I'm really careful what to be polite, she'll still find something to get mad at me for.
It is a value of mine to maintain ties with family, and that’s why I want this to work. If it was a friend of mine, I wouldn't be friends with them if they treated me like this but you can't chose your family.