How do I follow through after setting a boundary for a friend who throws loud parties at my place?

Question

I have a family friend I have known for years who now lives in a different city, but when he comes home to see his parents, etc, he likes to stay at my place.

I'm totally fine with this, but recently he has started to invite others to my flat when he stays.

I don't even mind this, and I enjoy hanging out with him and others when they come around, the problem is when he takes it too far.

The way it goes is as follows:

• He stays at my place
• Invites his friends around
• They (sometimes I join) go out to a bar for drinks
• We end up back at my place in the early hours of the morning, at which point they will put on loud music, talk loudly, etc, etc

The first three are fine, the last one is not! It's me who has to go and smooth things over with the neighbors the next day.

On one occasion, I was out of town, so I left my key with a mutual friend for him to collect as he was home that weekend. The result was a 5AM text from the neighbor, telling me he had phoned the police because the noise was so bad.

I had to go and apologize to the bl**ping residents association to avoid getting evicted.

I've already told him this behavior isn't okay, that I want him to stop making loud noised after 11 PM. The problem is that he never seems to listen to it, and I'm struggling to follow through.

After setting a boundary, how do I follow through when my friend continues to behave in a way that's not okay? Preferably, I'd like to do this without damaging my relationship with this person and looking like a jerk in the process.

Answer 1

I made it clear how annoyed I was, and was promised that it wouldn't happen again, but then it happens again. He just says yes, and then doesn't do it.

Well, that says everything you need to know about his character.

I worry about coming off as the unreasonable one to family and mutual friends, when he downplays the situation and makes me out to be the bad guy.

...and the fact he lies and paints you as the bad guy says everything else.

How do I handle this, without damaging my relationship with this person

Why worry about his feelings? This guy is using you to provide a place to stay, behaves in an exceedingly rude manner, then leaves you in charge of sorting out the consequences of his abusive behavior without giving a damn. Why respect someone who doesn't respect you at all?

Considering you already tried to talk it out, you can try a bit more extreme measures. Also, this guy doesn't seem like the type to care about what you say anyway, so it's time to do instead of say.

Don't be a doormat or a willing victim. It's bad for your self-esteem. Personally, if that was me, I'd simply tell him to F- off, but since you insist, let's try to be a bit more subtle.

Option 1) If you lend him the keys like you said, ask for a deposit, like $300. No money, no keys. Deposit will be returned if he behaves. If he knows he isn't going to respect your boundaries anyway, then this puts him in a tight spot... he can lie all he wants, that won't do him any good. It forces him to face his own hypocrisy, which is what you want. And if he makes a mess, at least you get to keep the money.

I use this trick when tenants want to push for one of their penniless "buddies" to take the flat after they leave, I just say "of course, since this is such a very good friend, you will act as a financial guarantor, yes? please sign here..." Making someone financially responsible somehow tends to make them a lot more sincere and based! LOL.

If he punches you in the face because you kept the money, then that should help you understand the nature of your "relationship". Either way, a great lesson about human nature. Win-Win!

Option 2) Next time he wants to stay, refuse and explain your reasons. At this point it's very important to stay firm. After he actually understands that it's gonna be quite annoying to have to look for a place to stay (and also pay for it) he will probably ask again. Then it's up to you whether you accept it or not, but maybe he'll respect you a bit more once he realizes you actually have the guts to simply say no.

Option 3) Convince someone else to let him stay at their place. He's probably good at making people think he's Mr Very Nice Guy, so you shouldn't have any trouble! This is a nice solution as you don't have to be assertive, just lie a little bit. Having him stay at the place of the person who wouldn't believe he caused havoc at your place would be sweet karma, don't you think?

Answer 2

Your friend has shown that he does not care about your houserules. If you continue to let him stay at your place you risk getting evicted yourself. The residents association does not care if the noise that comes from your place is made by you or your friend.

If you cannot stop him from making noise (which you apparently can't), then it is time to stop him from staying at your place altogether.

The next time when he asks if he can stay with you for a night, you need to tell him that no, he cannot stay at your place anymore, because he does not respect your houserules and therefore endangers you to get evicted, and that you will not take that risk anymore. He will try to persuade you ("This time I'll be quiet for sure!") but you need to stay strong there. Don't believe any word he says now, he will try to manipulate you. He has assured you to be quiet many times already and it never worked.

I worry about coming off as the unreasonable one to family and mutual friends, when he downplays the situation and makes me out to be the bad guy.

Not wanting to get evicted is in no situation unreasonable. You need to keep in mind that what you are doing is completely understandable and rational. If family members or mututal friends accuse you of denying said friend a bed in your home, calmly explain to them that you gladly invited him multiple times, but he consistently disrespected the house rules. And that you are about to lose your apartment if that would be continued. Therefore, letting your friend stay at your place is no longer an option.

Preferably, I'd like to do this without damaging my relationship with this person and looking like a jerk in the process.

You will not look like a jerk when you can explain your actions reasonably. People will understand why you will no longer host your friend. It is his own fault that he can't use your place anymore - The damage is all self inflicted. But I'm afraid that whether or not you damage the relationship with your friend depends on the personality of your friend, and not on how you deliver the news. Judging by your description of him, there is a good chance that he will act offended by your refusal, but that is only manipulation again. He knows very well that he himself is to blame for that.