How to introduce a serious/difficult discussion in a first time phone call?

Question

The context:

I have a situation with a guy who now moved to a different country, him and I are very close however I've never spoken with him on the phone. We text and I see him in person but calling/FaceTiming is not something we've ever done. AND he hates calling and FaceTiming, and he's always super busy.

The situation:

Anyways a recent incident occurred and I texted him that I urgently needed to speak with him. Since I won't be able to see him face to face for months and this isn't something I can text and I wanted to FaceTime him or call him on the phone and he said okay

The problem:

I texted this a couple of days ago and at the time I was feeling very very depressed and stressed the urgency of the issue. Now when we have to FaceTime I don't know how to even start addressing the conversation. I can't just ask him how his day is and talk about pleasantries but it also seems rude to just jump right into the topic of discussion. Can someone please give me examples of ways to start talking about the topic in a way that is not awkward because I'm scared of that.

What I'm thinking:

"Hi, thanks for agreeing to talk to me on the phone I know you're really busy."

But then I'm stuck, I would think there should be a little more small talk before diving into a difficult discussion.

The problem:

He moved away and I wanted to be with him and he says he wants to be with me but he lives in Europe now though I live in America. He said it won't work because he's going to be in Europe indefinitely and we can only see each other a couple times a year.

My solution:

I just graduated with my masters and am pursuing a PhD, not in the same country as him but somewhere in Europe. I would be there by next year, and then it would only take 1 hour for me to see him on weekends etc., it would be like a normal relationship (I thought of the logistics of it). But as of right now, the only remaining times I can see him this year is two weeks in the summer adn then he can see me two weeks in october, but these are only a couple of months of not seeing each other. I want to convince him to just try till the end of this year. He doesn't know I had this plan for my PhD and so now I want to bring it all up because the main issue was that we would be doing long distance indefinitely.

Answer 1

Whether there should be more small talk before "diving into a difficult discussion" is really up to you. I find it really hard to engage in small talk when I have something important to bring up---it's the 'elephant in the room' and I can't focus on the small talk at all. Especially if we both know that there's a heavy topic around the corner!

My suggestion is to jump straight into it. If you're worried that you'll get flustered and lose your way, you could write a list of dot points that you want to cover, and in the worst case scenario you can just read them out---that way, you'll still manage to communicate the important things.

It's also okay to acknowledge that the call might be difficult. That's not a bad thing, I've had difficult conversations with people I love before, sometimes they've been awkward and that's all right.

So I would start as you've said, by thanking them for making the time (though of course, what you're asking from a friend sounds quite reasonable and fair) and then say something like "I just really wanted to talk to you about [the topic]. How are you anyway?" (They'll answer, and this might lead to some small talk or it might not). Then when there's a small lull in the conversation, or whenever you feel like it, you can bring up your first dot point/the topic.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Being in a LDR myself where i am going to do my masters in his country, i can't help but say what you're doing is great!

That aside, after your initial opening, it would be wise to not immediately say your plan. I would go with something along the lines of:

If i were to be in Europe (or specific place where you will study), would you continue the relationship?

You should also mention if this was a plan before or after he moved so it lets him now if he is/is not a reason why you chose to continue studies in Europe.

Basically:

1. Don't jump immediately into explaining the solution, ease in with some questions about how he would feel if you moved to Europe, if positive you can go ahead and tell him all in an excited manner as i guess he would be happy you will be there with him.

2. Try not to make him feel or think that the ONLY reason why you made this choice is because of him being there.

Good luck in this! LDR can be really tough at times so be strong. Really hope he loves that idea and you guys will be happy together.