I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now and even if everything is perfect with him and I couldn’t be happier, it is not the same with his family and especially with his mother, who does things that are unacceptable to me.
I will enumerate some of the things she does to me, so you can get an idea of what she is like. Please keep in mind that it's just to give you context, I am not asking for help on how to deal with every of these situations:
- She usually calls my boyfriend to tell him how badly his brother behaves, e.g. "Your brother did this and that".
- She plays the role of the victim, e.g if you don’t answer her because you're busy or whatever, she’d say you don’t care about her or that you don’t love her enough.
She spends all day screaming for things like
I am so alone!
No one cares about me
and similar. This makes me think she lacks attention.
If my boyfriend prefers to spend the weekend with me rather than going home, she tells him that she's his mother and that he seems to love me more.
- When my boyfriend comes to visit me, she calls him every day. I could understand that she worries about him, but I think it's a bit too much, for my parents wouldn't be that overprotective towards me.
- My boyfriend has a dog that scares me sometimes. Last summer, it started barking at me when I entered the house. Whereas my BF's dad suggested to put it in the kitchen until I got relaxed, his mother wouldn't let that happen and let the dog continue barking at me without even holding it, so I just ran and locked myself away until I wasn't scared anymore. I feel like she could have respected my fear and hold him while smelling me.
- She got angry because the 21st of December I hadn't wished her a Happy Christmas -I was planning to do so on Christmas' Day. Due to her anger, I did it that same day (21st) but via a text message and not a call, she got angry too. Please note in my country (which is also theirs), it’s ok to do these things by sending a WhatsApp.
My boyfriend's elder brother usually plays bad taste “jokes”. For example, he would drink my milkshake -the one I prepared for myself- and after telling him it was mine and that he had already drank his he would say:
Who bought the ingredients? My family, so I can drink it.
That was not true because I did buy them, but what really annoyed me was nor their mother nor my BF didn't say a word and indeed his mother always laughs at his jokes while it's obvious that those are not funny to me.
While I was living far away from my boyfriend’s town (+600km), his mother invited me for his birthday and when I asked the day she said “today” when she perfectly knew I would not be able to come on time due to the distance.
While watching a TV show she would come and start talking to us without caring we were watching something even if we had headphones so we wouldn't hear her screaming.
She checked my underwear just to find out if I was using thongs and after she realized I didn't she said:
She is not a dirty girl
These are only a few of the things she's done to me over the past years. Unfortunately, it has reached a point where I have even thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, for his mother and elder brother do those things to me.
What I've tried so far
I have talked with my boyfriend about these issues many times. He sometimes recognizes that what his mother is doing to me is not okay (especially when I get mad/sad), but he'd soon forget about it and tell me that I'm exaggerating everything, making me feel like he doesn't support me.
My relationship with his mother right now is nearly nonexistent (it has been almost 2 years since the last time I've seen her); we just talk on WhatsApp on particular dates (e.g. Christmas and birthdays). The problem is that my boyfriend insists that I come to visit his family, even knowing I am not comfortable with the situation. It's been a while since these things have begun bothering me, but I have now decided to give his mother and elder brother a new chance, as I know my boyfriend suffers a lot from the situation.
Until now, I have never spoken of this problem with either of them, but since my boyfriend has never supported me in front of his family (he told me he asked them to stop, but they didn't), I now want to let them know that what they're doing to me is not okay.
Where I need help is in how to deal with the mother in case she shows some of the behaviors I have already mentioned above and make her stop them, as my boyfriend has already tried with no visible result. Also, I would like to get a way to make my boyfriend realize that the way his mother is treating me hurts me. I am plenty aware that is his mother and he love her, I don’t have any trouble with that, I also love mine, but I would like him to understand that if things don’t change I am not obliged to bear with his mother as I am in a relationship with him, not with his family. Because sometimes he also makes his mother play the role of victim saying it's me the one who is never going to visit them or because when I do I have a bad face.
@Fr1Krazy: His brother -and only brother- is 30 years old.
@Mindwin: We're both Spanish.
@Graham: We're 24 years old.
@Pharap: His father is at home too, he's ok. He just doesn't take a part in, he doesn't defend me but he doesn't support his wife (my BF's mother) neither.
How do I deal with his mother if she starts playing the victim role with me again, or if she doesn't treat me with the minimum of respect everyone deserves?
Or, in other words:
How can I make my boyfriend's mother stop making me uncomfortable without damaging my relationship?