My friend is getting married, and another mutual friend is planning his bachelor party, to which I’ve been invited (we’re all in our early 30s). Initially, my mother wanted me to take it upon myself to invite my younger brother (mid 20s) along, but I was quickly able to convince her that unilaterally modifying the guest list would be inappropriate. However, she still thinks I should contact the best man to get my brother invited officially. I don’t want to put my friend in that position, and anyway, the plan is to get a place on Airbnb, which was reserved with the current guest list in mind. I’ve told her that asking would make me uncomfortable, but she insists that “it’ll be fine.” I don’t think she’d take it upon herself to contact the best man directly, but I want to get this settled.
There are a couple of factors that make my mom’s insistence less crazy than it may seem.
- All the principle actors have known each other for many years. I’ve been good friends with the groom since elementary school and the best man since high school. They’ve both spent a lot of time at my parents house over the years, and know my brother fairly well from there. Additionally, we all were involved in my high school and community theatre programs backstage, including my mother who would volunteer as the props and/or costumes mistress. I also used my position in the hierarchy of the theatre club to create a program that allowed junior high students to work backstage in high school shows (since the junior highs in the area didn’t have theatre programs), which meant my brother spent considerable time working with us. Finally, the best man, my brother and myself were all in the same scout troop (which my father was the Scoutmaster of) until we graduated.
- Because of the above, I’m certain the best man wouldn’t be able to reject any suggestion of inviting my brother out of hand. He might even feel obligated to invite him or at least pass the buck to the groom, which I definitely don’t want.
- My only reservation is that I don’t want put my friends in the position to have to say “he can’t come.” My brother is pretty rad, and he certainly wouldn’t ruin the party. He knows some of the other guests better than I do, and the only ones he doesn’t know, I don’t know either.
Other miscellaneous info that may be relevant:
- I’m currently living with my parents while I attend the university my dad happens to work at, and they refuse to accept rent. It’s difficult to even convince them to let me buy groceries or the occasional pizza.
- The groom is fully informed about the party and the guest list.
- As far as I know, my brother doesn’t know about the party, and I don’t think he’d be upset to know he wasn’t invited. He WOULD be upset if he found out anyone tried to get him invited after the fact (though Mom disagrees).
Resolution edit: I had dinner with the groom and some other friends last night who are also going to the bachelor party, and the party came up organically. Basically, a few of the activities that are planned have a 12 person limit, and so that’s the cap on the party. The groom wanted to let one of his alternates know if any of us can’t make the party.
When I told my mom that there’s a hard cap of 12 and he already had to cut people, she went “oh, well that makes sense. I thought you’d just go to a bar or have a house party or something.”
Edit edit: Apparently there's some confusion. I am not conflict averse. I was a Marine for 9 years. I routinely inject myself into social situations in which some form of inequity appears to be occurring, such as rude customers berating staff or men obviously bothering women (or occasionally the reverse). The problem here was that if I had shut my mom down cold, she'd have gone behind my back either talk to my brother or the best man directly. Which would have blown up in her face.