When making last minute plans with my SO or friend(s) we can't choose on what to do. We all have our own preferences and discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

I am a bit hard of natures and sometimes it seems like I do not want to do the one thing while this is not the case.

For example: I was talking to my SO about whether I was going to her house or whether she was coming to me. It is a two-hour journey and she had to be near me the next day. It seemed better to meet at my place to save unnecessary back and forth travel, but she wanted to meet at her place because it has been a while I was there. After having mentioned the disadvantages to go to her (I had to work the next day and therefore travel for 2 hours), we decided to go to me.

A bit later I thought to myself, Let's go to her place. She really wanted to meet there and I do not care very much as long as I am with her. She did not like this because I had suddenly changed my mind and talked about all the disadvantages, she thought I absolutely did not want it and that I only did it for her.

Long story short, she had become angry with me.

This has happened more than I like and I want to avoid this in the future. So, how can I make it clear that I do not mind doing the other thing after a discussion?

1 Answer 1


I'm going to challenge your question a little bit before I submit an answer.

In your case, the course of action has been decided. Plans have been made. Everyone has, for good or bad, agreed on what's going to happen. Now, you re-open that decision by saying, "Let's do the other option". When others do that to me, it drives me buggy. I'm OK with the decision, but I feel like it's being reopened to get the result that the other person wants. That's not fair to me or to anyone else involved.

Let's look at the two of you. You're made a decision, and now you want to re-open that discussion. That's where I'd start. "I've been thinking on this. I think that we've hit a decision that isn't fair to you and I'd like to reconsider. Are you open to that?" Let her decide whether to re-open the discussion or not. If so, lay out your case and why you want to reconsider that decision. Explain why it's not fair to her and how you think the other option would be better for her.

I'd caution you to be careful doing that too often. If decisions are all open to discussion and re-opening, you're perceived as inconsistent and unreliable.

  • 5
    This seems like a great idea. Just an additional thought—it might be even less disruptive to say something like "I've thought about it, and I'm sorry. I want to make sure we do what you want next time." May 3, 2018 at 18:34
  • 4
    @joiedevivre: That's an interesting add and an excellent idea. I'd suggest submitting it as an answer rather than my adding it to my existing answer. May 3, 2018 at 18:58
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    @joiedevivre that sounds like a solid alternative to re-opening the current decission and can indeed be an answer on it's own (perhaps also point to baldPrussian's answer for the context on why not to re-open the discussion)
    – Imus
    May 4, 2018 at 9:03

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