Let's call this friend, lady A.

We begun as friends three years ago through a dating site but she was warm with her affections shortly into the friendship through the show of her handmade gifts to me.

In the second month that we met, I've initiated a relationship but was rejected on grounds that my time abroad would span many years.

In the following week, I slept, dated and entered into a relationship with another lady. This relationship has since ended but in the three years I not only took our friendship for granted, being insensitive but also boasted my sexual escapade with other females to her to incite envy.

Yet, in this period, I've also made it obviously known that I have feelings for her and still cared for her.

Since last August, lady A has blocked me on all social media platform - except Whatsapp.

While I have recently got in touch with her via email on grounds of work-related matter and consequently chatted with her a bit via Whatsapp, she has again blocked me for no apparent reasons.

This short contact lasted barely three weeks.

To salvage the matter, I have called her to apologise last week but she refused to want to know anything in my life and felt no need for me to know anything in her life.

I have made known to her I would do anything it takes to mend the friendship and feelings between us.

On one hand, I want to respect her decision but on the other hand, I would like to preserve this friendship.

What is my best course of action for any chance in mending the feelings between us?


There seems to be a lot of proverbial aggression by the posters against the actions I've committed. There is no doubt that my actions were harmful to her but I did what I did in a last attempt to protect myself - I've been in multiple positions where I've been rejected and told to hang around.

What transpired between lady A and I reminded me of the times I had to hang around; to be told that I've disappointed her by entering into a relationship a week after being rejected reopened certain wounds.

The actions I took which, consequently, hurt her was a strong defiance of my ability to retaliate.

Has she actually told you to "hang around"? (Comment by Em C)

She mentioned she doesn't want to know anything in my life nor wants me to know anything about her life but she also mentioned that "we should just be acquaintance and speak once or twice a year".

This lady is obviously hurt and I'm fully aware this is a delicate situation in which many things can go wrong. She should be given her time to heal and it seems important also for her to know that I was not behaving the way I did because I was a jerk by nature. I think I a penned letter explaining the rationale behind my past actions while reminding the little things I remembered about our friendship may be the last thing I can do.

  • 4
    To be clear: she said "no" to you about a close relationship + you had relationship with another woman and let her know + you did that to incite envy on her side. And, still having feelings for her, you now expect her to come back knowing that she's "your second choice in (sexual) life". Am I correct?
    – OldPadawan
    May 5 '18 at 9:35
  • @oldpadawan Yes, all is correct with the only exception that she was not my second choice in life. May 5 '18 at 9:55
  • 2
    @poordecisions : were I "Lady A" (or "Man A", same thing here, to me, one way or another), I would definitely feel like "your second choice" and cut every personal thing related to you :)
    – OldPadawan
    May 5 '18 at 13:17

On one hand, I want to respect her decision but on the other hand,

Stop right there. Why is there an "other hand"? You admit that doing anything other than not talking to her would mean not respecting her decision.

You cannot rebuild a relationship by violating her stated boundaries. She doesn't want to hear from you and she isn't interested in telling you anything about her life: There is no (ethical) advice I can give you for talking to someone that has explicitly said they don't want that. You certainly can't show her that you've changed and will be caring and respectful now by immediately going against her wishes, it will only drive her further away.

Your best course of action is to respect her decision, and let her decide if and when to resume contact. From your description of events, she was likely very hurt by how you have treated her -- knowing she liked you, making clear you liked her, but then bragging about being with other women to "incite envy" -- and does not want to risk getting hurt again, if she even has feelings for you anymore. You've said your apology; the ball is now in her court to decide if she wants to unblock you and give you another chance.

In the meantime, it's time to let it go and have this be a lesson for the future.

  • In light of this new information, are you un-wavered in your conclusion that there no attempt to reach out to explain my actions should be done? May 6 '18 at 2:02
  • She mentioned she doesn't want to know anything in my life nor wants me to know anything about her life but she also mentioned that "we should just be acquaintance and speak once or twice a year". May 6 '18 at 5:01
  • @poordecisions That sounds like a nice way of saying "I don't want to be friends with you, but I will be polite if we happen to cross paths."
    – Em C
    May 6 '18 at 13:40

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