1

I have a friend, the only one in my office. She is more than a friend, she is a sister to me. I am more of an introvert, with a very minimal number of friends. Basically, I have trust issues, meaning I don't trust people easily.

It may take months for me to trust some one.

This particular girl in my office, she talks to me, hears me, cares me, guides me. Literally speaking she is the only one I care about and trust.

I always fight with her, argue with her, and make her sad. I know I am hurting her. I care for her and do not want to lose her.

We talk for hours, and will fight. Then we will not talk for a couple of days, then again start to talk, again fight, start again and so on.

Last time, she said that she feels like I don't care her. When I said I do, and that is the reason I spend time with her, and that I open my mind with her. But she said: "You are a doubter, a normal with lots of doubts. To gain love from a person, you should make that person feel he/she is important to you and do favorable things. Express your love, make them feel they are being loved".

How would I make her feel she is being cared and valued?

  • 4
    Why do you fight? – Slava Knyazev May 6 '18 at 16:59
  • Can you specify some of what you talk and argue about? The parts about "I open my mind with her" and "You are a doubter, a normal with lots of doubts" sound a little like you might talk about spiritual things, or fantasy scenarios. Or do you mean that you openly share with her about your thoughts and feelings (including your issues with trust), and she thinks your only problem is that you worry? – cactus_pardner May 7 '18 at 3:46
  • The topic they discuss about is irrelevant, his question goes to the point and he provided enough background for anyone to answer. We don't need to read a novel with included dialog [and we don't want to] to understand what he's asking help about. – J A May 7 '18 at 6:10
1

She sort of gave you half the answer already. And you already have half the intention. So you are in a good track.

With all those conversations, even when sometimes leading to fights, you should already know a lot about what she likes and what she would consider a loving or caring gesture.

I don't think she's asking for something huge, she's asking for you to do something not to lose her, as you have already noticed you could (lose her).

So think about what she likes, and buy something or better yet, make something with your own hands, unless that would take too long, timing is more important, do it soon.

Take into consideration that taking this step could get you into a dynamic of doing nice stuff for her out of guilt, and you don't want that, it is sometimes unavoidable to patch things up as a last resort, but you really don't want your relationship with this person or anyone to fall into a break and patch, break and patch dynamic.

You could gain some emotional terrain and space for yourself if while you do something nice for her, you also remind her you will keep having arguments because you like having arguments with her and wouldn't do it with anyone else because you care about her opinion better than anyone else, like you already told her, only you are now reminding her while being nice, not in the middle of a fight.

If after saying that she tries to pick up the last pending argument, change the topic at any cost, remind her about the present you just gave her, show her how to use it or, if you gave her something she already knows how to use, ask her to show you how to use it, this way you are now doing something she's more confident with than you are.

Examples:

If she likes to paint, give her a nice set of brushes and pastel colors and ask her to make a drawing of you two or something that represents your friendship.

If she likes to read, give her a book and ask her to tell you the story later.

If she likes tunning cars, well, you get the idea.

The part where you suggest to her what to do with what you just gifted her is not necessary, that's just an idea on how to avoid going back to an argument in a moment when you don't want an argument at all because you are patching things up, but it is important that she understands that you are going to remain firm in your positions and/or beliefs, so your friendship has an opportunity to last.

| improve this answer | |

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.