I am in a happy relationship, so when I go to a nightclub with friend(s) I am not looking to pick anyone up, or dance with anyone other than the people/person I came out with.

When I go out to a nightclub, I'll sometimes be 'asked' to dance by a male I do not know. By 'asked' I mean they'll start trying to grind up to me - which I don't appreciate.

On the occasions that my partner is also there, I'll grab him, point to him, and start grinding next to him, which I find is normally enough of a signal to indicate that I'm not interested. Though, I'm not always out with him, so I have tried dancing closer to my friend - even grinding next to them - but with us both being female, this doesn't seem the phase them. I try mouthing no, this doesn't always work, or even shaking my hand in-front of my neck to try and indicate a 'no'. Sometimes I end up pushing them away, more than once as well, before they get the message. I could go get a bouncer, but that could entail leaving my friend, or by the time I reach them, the culprit has disappeared.

I'd like to try and avoid getting physical, i.e. pushing the guy away, as well as having to move though the crowd to find a bouncer if possible.

How could I politely indicate to a guy that I'm not interested in dancing with them?


3 Answers 3


I'd suggest that your actions up to that point are polite. You've tried indicating no, you've gone so far as to push them away, and they still come back.

I'd suggest being careful about grinding up next to another female - some guys think that means "she's a lesbian and I want to do a threesome with them". So you could be, unwittingly, doing something that would encourage them. (This isn't a comment on sexual orientations but rather a misinterpretation of the message you want to convey.)

But let's assume that you want to continue to be polite. First of all, if a guy comes up against you, I'd suggest moving away or doing the worst thing - nothing. Literally, just stand there. Give him the look of "WTF are you doing?" or even ask him that. After that, if he persists, then move away. If he wants to chat, I'd suggest, "I'm sorry, I want to spend time with the people I came here with."

  • 1
    @baldPrussian Can you cite any personal experience of these methods working well (your own or someone else's)? I am concerned doing nothing may be interpreted as an invitation to keep talking or keep doing whatever it is they're doing, especially if there's physical contact being initiated. The grinding thing is a fair point, but it shows we need to be sure the methods we recommend will actually work in our favour. Commented May 9, 2018 at 13:29
  • I'd never thought about the grinding with my friend before. Doing nothing and standing there can make myself uncomfortable, as @doppelgreener pointed out, they may see this as an invitation to carry on, since I haven't explicitly said 'No' and a look could be misconstrued. Commented May 10, 2018 at 7:50

Have you heard the phrase

It's not the mouth it comes out of, but the ears it goes into

Basically it means that regardless of your actions or intents the way you communicate can often be misconstrued by the listener or other person. The reason I bring this up is because in a nightclub you'll be dealing with people who have been drinking. Now while this doesn't excuse their behaviour it can mean that they either don't understand what you're trying to say, or worse choosing to ignore it. Often times a refusal is taken as "playing hard to get"

From experience, I'd suggest taking your dance partner and moving quickly and confidently a few feet further onto the dancefloor with as little communication as possible with the person trying to grind on you.

Remember your personal safety comes before being seen as polite, don't be afraid to approach bouncers if need be. They're trained in handling these situations quickly and safely as possible.

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    With the one fingered hand signal one should be careful, because guys who choose to ignore your "no"s can get really aggressive. Maybe better contact security. This way you stay safer, and possibly you end saving someone from having a horrible night.
    – Purrrple
    Commented May 8, 2018 at 18:51
  • Sometimes a guy will end up following you, maybe not immediately, but after a short time has passed. Though it's hard to encompass all situations that could and have arose. So, even if it's an inconvenience, finding a bouncer may be the best course of action. Thank you. Commented May 10, 2018 at 7:39

Here are some tricks that may work:

  1. In case the guy is not alone, you can walk up to his friends and say you are really not interested. Most of the times these friends (specially if they are girls) will understand you and let him know that he should stop. From personal experience this method is extremely efficient.

  2. You could, for example, go to parties wearing aring. When a guy comes up to you simply point to your ring and say "goodbye". Never tried in person, but I'm quite confident this makes a strong point.

  3. If he is alone and you've tried telling him multiple times to leave and it didn't work, simply scream "LEAVE ME ALONE". He may get offended for a moment, but he'll probably understand and move on. I would still consider this to be polite, as you are doing him a favour having him save his own time. I've seen this happening to friends, and they understood the message.

On a more "meta" level, you must understand that males approaching you in a nightclub while you are dancing without your partner is relatively normal behaviour. If that bothers you too often you could try switching the kind of nightclubs you go to. If you are in a bigger city, choose perhaps a LGBT friendly club. They can be just as much fun and there'll certainly be less guys trying to approach you.

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    hello, thank you for answering, I think the second part of your answer is not helping much because it suggest a way to avoid having the situation the person asking described, it would be more helpful if you offer alternative methods to dismantle the problem, like you did on the first part of your answer, good day
    – J A
    Commented May 8, 2018 at 21:05
  • Wearing a ring is a good idea, last time I went out and I tried telling a guy no, he actually put his arms up in a way to ask why? Since there was loud music, it wasn't possible to explain that I'm in a relationship and in that moment I wanted a ring that I could point to to make my point for me, but alas that was not the case. Sadly the LGBT club in my city closed down a few years ago, now we only have "straight" clubs. Commented May 10, 2018 at 7:55

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