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About 3 years ago when I broke up with my ex over text it ended with him sending a text that read "Please don't ever talk to me again"

So I haven't seen or contacted him since.

A week after breaking up he texted me something along the lines of "I haven't slept or eaten anything for days and I miss you so much". I didn't reply. A month later he mailed a package containing gifts for me and books that I had lent to him. In the following few months he sent about 10 more texts of similar content. I didn't reply to any of them. A year later he sent a text asking me to return a birthday gift he gave to me. I didn't reply and began blocking his number.

Two years later he sent me a very long Facebook message. I didn't read the whole thing because it was very lengthy but the content went along the lines of "You hurt me/Our relationship wasn't working and I knew that but I still wanted it/You made me feel alive and took that away from me/etc."

A while back my friend was inquiring about my situation with my ex and she reprehended me saying that I was being abusive towards him by ignoring all of this messages. I told her that I didn't think his well being was my business and that I was respecting his request of "Please don't ever talk to me again" (Even though I very well know that his attempts at contacting me indicate that he does want contact and that the "Please don't ever talk to me again" is an excuse for me not to reply). She said that I was very cold and mean.

I currently continue to ignore any messages and attempts of contact from him. His phone number is blocked but he can contact me via social media and other means. He often deletes and creates new social media accounts.

What I want:

  1. My ex to not contact me anymore (Ideally I don't ever want to talk to him again but I understand that I may have to in order to get this.)
  2. To not have my ex in my life (I don't want to be friends or to keep in touch)
  3. For my friends to not think ill of me based on this situation

Other notes:

  1. I don't think he is dangerous and he has not attempted to contact me in person- it's just annoying to me at this point
  2. EDIT: To answer a question- My ex and I do not share mutual friends and they do not know each other

closed as off-topic by baldPrussian, Rainbacon, sphennings, scohe001, Jesse May 9 '18 at 0:22

  • This question does not appear to be about interpersonal skills, within the scope defined in the help center.
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because this is more of a "what should I do" question. If it were more of a "how do I respond to ex in a way that convinces them not to contact me", that would be more of an IPS question. – baldPrussian May 8 '18 at 19:35
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  1. My ex to not contact me anymore (Ideally I don't ever want to talk to him again but I understand that I may have to in order to get this.)

Agreed - ideally, you would simply continue not talking to him. You are under no obligation to do so, as you've long since ended the relationship. In addition, sending him a message now will let him know that you have been getting the messages in the first place - which could give him encouragement, if he is determined to see it that way.

However, if you decide to contact him to tell him this, send a very short, very direct message. You could even borrow his own words:

Please don't ever talk to me again.

I would recommend doing this via text message: unblock him, send the message, then re-block him. This is to avoid giving him any indication of what other platforms his messages got through on. That way, if he takes this as "aha! she will talk to me if I'm persistent enough!", at least you've focused his attention on a medium that you have control over.

  1. To not have my ex in my life (I don't want to be friends or to keep in touch)

Not having someone in your life is fairly straightforward! It sounds like he hasn't been for a while now, actually. Continue blocking him whenever he messages you. Continue to not respond to him.

If he persists in messaging you, you could consider options to escalate. This could include a direct and clear message as above, asking a third party to tell him to stop (e.g. one of his friends or family), or even potentially legal action if his behavior qualifies for a no-contact order or similar in your jurisdiction. (IANAL)

  1. For my friends to not think ill of me based on this situation

This one you have the least control over, as you can't control how other people think. The best you can do is explain how you feel and hope they empathize or at least accept your choices (as I hope good friends would!). You could also try explaining it in terms of experiences they would relate to, for example, ask your friend how she would feel if her ex kept sending lovelorn messages.

It might also be revealing to ask about your friend's reasoning. What good would it do to talk to him now? Why should you be the one comforting him? (Isn't that what friends are for?) etc. Perhaps they have good reasons, or perhaps they just haven't thought it through yet.

In the end: if he can't take a hint after three years, the problem lies with him, not you. Be confident in your decision to end the relationship! Your friends should be happy to see you happy, and see that cutting him out of your life was the right decision for you.


Personal experience: I haven't had friends urge me to contact an ex (quite the opposite, in fact), but I have had issues with an ex trying to contact me after we'd been broken up. Blocking and staying consistent - not even reading their messages - was best. If I read them, I got guilt-tripped into breaking no-contact, and every time I reached out it just hurt both of us - him, because I still didn't want to get back together, and me, because there were good reasons I broke off the relationship! At one point I did end up contacting an ex's parents because of some concerning messages he sent me, and they were able to handle the situation without me directly communicating with my ex. Thankfully the messages from him died down over time without needing to escalate further.

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she reprehended me saying that I was being abusive towards him by ignoring all of this messages.

Your friend is wrong. You ended the relationship, he has no more right to harass you.

Continuing to maintain radio silence is the right thing. I'd also stop telling this 'friend' about him contacting you. She might be relaying what you say about him to him. I fear your friend is one of those people who thinks dating a woman gives a man property rights over her in perpetuity.

  • If it's a possibility to get: You might want to add a singular exception stating that if the contact keeps ocurring, she'll get a restraining order, or go to the police for harassment. Simply ignoring is clearly not working. If a 'no' isnt working, it might be time for a 'NO'. – Martijn Aug 13 '18 at 12:10

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