I'm 24 years old (woman), pursuing my master's degree, with 2 part-time jobs and in a relationship since 1 year ago.

Since I was a child my mom has been controlling me, I have never thought that was a problem until my last teenager years (17-19) when I found I had to think as she does in every facet of my life. To be honest, I started to do unconsciously that in my childhood to the point I hadn't my own opinion in anything, I just said what my mom did. Even I felt guilty of thoughts I had but my mom wouldn't. So I repressed my own feelings and thoughts because that could make her feel bad or angry.

She has always made me feel bad and insecure: I was too thin, I am too fat. Apparently she likes to humiliate me and my brother about whatever, and her pretext is that she wants the best for us. She thinks she is always right, and that when she isn't she says we should act as she is right.

When I started to date with guys she went crazy, she cried in order to make sure I break up with every boyfriend I had because I was abandoning her. Since I always try to be pleasant with my mom, I attended to all her requirements, so the longest period I have been with a guy was 4 months, and every time I have been with someone has been the worst of my life.

Having feelings for someone is seen as a shame. So I can't tell her if I am in love with someone because she is going to embarrass me and laught.
Now, I found a guy I am in love with. But since I started dating him, she has started to make all the drama, but now it's even worse. She takes my phone and she refuses to give my phone back until hours later. She did that when I was a teen, I understood I was an under age but I am 24 now. I bought that phone with the money I make. Also she has started to punish me without going out because of:

  1. Not doing the dishes as she wants: first I should clean the cutlery and then the rest.
  2. Forgetting to put the iron in its place.
  3. And so on.

I could have done something 'bad' 3 days ago, but until the same day I am going to see my boyfriend she doesn't punish me. And since my boyfriend lives far and we can see each other once a week, I have to call him to cancel our plans. There is no way I can disobey her because if I have the idea of going out anyway, I won't live at home anymore.

She doesn't allow me to have sex. She thinks I don't know what birth control is, I am going to get pregnant and I don't know how to have sex (she laughs everytime she says that). I would like to tell her I am not a virgin but I don't want to take the risk. Everytime I wax my body she gets angry and starts asking me why I do that. Also she says I am a tissue so when my boyfriend have sex with me (a virgin) for the first time, he would leave me.

She says I have got the jobs because of her therefore the money I make is hers. I am inferior to her and her property, as well.

I don't make enough money to move out. So it's not an option. What I am doing is spend the less and less time with her, and when I do I try to tell her I am an adult, but 'I live in her house, so I have to obey her rules'.

P.S: Sorry if my English is not good enough and if I have some grammatical mistakes or the text is not clearly defined.

  • Are there other relatives you could move to? Maybe share a flat with your brother? And does your father play any role in your life? – Arsak May 13 '18 at 13:20
  • @Marzipanherz No, I can't move with other relatives, they have their own family and live in other cities. My brother is 13 and my dad just listen to my mom. – Martha May 13 '18 at 13:39
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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because unfortunately, this question appears to be asking “What should I do?”, or "how do I deal with this", which the community has determined to not be a good fit for Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange. We can’t decide for you what to do; after you determine what you want to do, and have a clear goal, we can help you, but we can’t tell you how to "deal" with something with no goal. Sorry. – Mithical May 13 '18 at 18:17
  • You need to ask , "What do I want?" in the broadest possible terms. That includes "Where do I want my life to go next?" – VWFeature Jun 17 '18 at 19:25
  • I disagree that this is completely OT; sometimes the (imperfectly expressed) question is, "Where do I start?" which is a perfectly good if basic question. One of the differences between experts and non-experts is their ability to size up a situation quickly by comparing it to similar situations they know about, and that's a good use of an expert. In this case, you need an expert in mental health and relationships, and you can get access through your primary care office. – VWFeature Jun 17 '18 at 19:38

You are going to have to prioritize what matters most. Right now, it sounds as though your relationship with your mother is stunting your development as an adult. In my experience (I'm 48 years old and have seen a lot), you are going to have to put your studies on hold and move out. And NOT with your boyfirend, in my opinion, because that would make your freedom dependent on somebody else -- which is exactly the problem you face now.

"Can't move out"? Oh YES YOU CAN! You will find a way to make it work. You have a Bachelor's in something -- you are employable. If nothing else, you can manage a restaurant. I washed a lot of dishes when I was younger, and all the restaurant managers seemed to be people on hiatus from studies, with 4 or 6 years down.

Make yourself a plan to get to the end of the semester. And a plan that goes three months out, 6 months out, and a year out. It's okay, if these things don't happen the way you plan -- you just need a plan to get you going. You will adjust as necessary.

This may not sound like an "InterPersonal Skills" answer, but the foundation of your relationship with your mom is not good. In my opinion, you will have to break contact, grow into yourself, and then re-engage on your terms. Be polite and firm when you can -- be firm regardless.

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Warning, I'm going to be a bit harsh. The suggestions are suggestions, and your life might hell if you follow them without being very careful.

Adults pay, and accept rent You are living at your parents house, so it's not inconceivable for you to pay rent. By Rent, I mean a set amount of money each month in order to cover some expenses in wear, heating, water etc. That is what adults do. If you haven't yet discussed what your rent should be, you should do that as soon as possible.

Discussing that you want to pay her as if you were the adult that you actually are, is a first step towards her accepting you as an adult.

Adults respect other adults possessions How are you paid for your work? It greatly disturbs me that she does not respect that you are actually working. A job is not a contract where one person get paid for doing nothing - a job is an exchange of knowledge/work/abillty for money. And while she might have landed you that job, you are the one putting raw material (knowledge/muscle power/whatever) into that machine (the job).

I would withhold my money if she does not accept a proper payment of rent, until you both have discussed both of your boundaries. I would hide any valuables she would hide/destroy in beforehand if it comes down to that, because that will not look pretty.

Adults have cut their "umbillical cords" Is it possible for you to move in with your boyfriend? I would, based on my own experiences, strongly advice against doing that. However, it could be a baseline for further discussions. Either she stop treating you as a kid, or you'll take the only option that you have.

Be clear on that you would love to stay at home, but that you cannot work/study under that kind of drama. Suggest compromises. This is not about you getting your will through, it's about being able to start your life.

Do you have any friends at your university/college? Being able to more or less temporarily move out could help calming things down, and show her that you are the adult that you are trying to tell that you are.

Ultimately, your mother is also a human being On a softer note, it could be valuable to try to talk to her as if she was a human being.

Ultimately, she have probably done a lot of mistakes during her life. And now she do not want you to make the same mistakes, but it comes out in a really low, toxic demeanour. She have probably gotten help before getting to where she is now - just like you got help getting the job that you have. She have lost her virginity at one point - and she does your first experience with sex to be as good as it can be.

A slight hinge on that, though All that I wrote above would be completely in vain if your mother isn't empathic in nature. Narcissistic personality disorder is just one of several disorders that makes the patient become unempathic. This kind of people are really difficult to get well treated by. Even if it's impossible, it could very well be less impossible to just get away.

Since I don't really now where you live, I cannot help you with any resources, but there is probably more than one line you can call in order to get help how to act towards people like that, even if you aren't sure if she fits the bill.

All I can say is, good luck.

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