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I am starting to fear I will never be able to have children on my own. I don't really feel like adopting is for me or my husband.

How can we tell people to stop suggesting adoption? I am tired to explain that the adoption process is long, difficult and full of heartbreak and I feel guilty to think raising someone else's children is just not the same.

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    Are these always the same people? Are these people friends, family, acquaintances? Do they keep suggesting it even after you've told them you're not interested in adoption? How do you usually handle it if people suggest adoption? – Tinkeringbell May 19 '18 at 16:47
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    How did they find out that you're starting to fear you won't be able to conceive children? Are they people in some kind of support group, but they're pushing solutions rather than actually supporting? Are they family? Have they heard through gossip? – curiousdannii May 20 '18 at 1:50
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I don't think you should explain why you don't want to do something. You are already talking to someone who is pushing the boundaries of conversation. Even discussing how many children someone currently has, compared to how many they wanted to have, is iffy territory. If they've wandered into the specifics any further than "what options are you considering?" then they are over a line. So telling them why their suggestion won't work for you is just prolonging the conversation and even inviting them to rebut your rebuttals.

Try:

Thanks, that's already occurred to us. I'll be sure to let you know if and when we have good news to share.

And then change the subject. Ask them something about themselves.

Whether or not you will ever be parents, would be good parents, or are good people -- that's all off topic here. But conflicted feelings around parenthood and the various ways to reach it are as normal as can be. Feeling that way doesn't mean you're someone who doesn't get to have opinions and plans, or must justify those to anyone who is pushy enough to ask about that.

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There are a couple of ways to work through this. The first thing to do is to word your discussion in such a way that adoption comes off the table. Something like, "We were planning on having children, but apparently are unable to. Since we have no interest in adoption, it looks like we aren't going to be able to be parents." Yes, you bring it up, but that shuts down the (well-meaning) discussion of an option that you have already considered and do not want.

Otherwise, if someone else brings it up, I'd respond with, "Thanks for mentioning it. I've heard that option from a lot of friends and it's not something we're going to pursue."

After either of these, change the subject immediately. Talk about weather. President Trump (that will make people forget adoption!). Sports. Anything that will get your friends to stop trying to help you. Keep in mind that they mean well and probably have no idea how many people have already suggested the same alternative, so being gracious, no matter how hard it is, is important with your friends.

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