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I have this workmate for almost 2-months now, who is an all-out person. I mean, she's not afraid to tell any of her feelings towards another person. Now, she told me she likes me. I told her, which I usually don't do because I'm an introvert, that I like her too but added to her that maybe I just got infatuated. Yesterday, we hanged out (her treat and I'm not used to it, I'm feelin like a beta) and made few talks about each other. We're both unfortunate with our past. She always tell me things I like to hear, like she's the person I'm hoping and wishing to be with.

Honestly, I really like to be in a relationship with her, but also don't want to for some few reasons. For sure my parents will not allow it if I insist. I like her but I don't want to let it go further. It will just hurt both of us.

I already told her before that I'm not yet into a serious relationship and I never told her anything that is sure about my feelings toward her. I just said that maybe this is just infatuation. She's not stopping despite of that.

So how can I be more assertive when telling her that a serious relationship is not an option?

I don't want her to get hurt, but I need to end it now, I just don't know how. I would love to stay friends with her


Thank you @Federico and @JonahBenton for the answers and everyone in the comment box. Here are the answers to the questions you guys left to me.

Just for clarification, are the three sentences starting with " For sure .." to ".. hurt me and her." three separate reasons or or is it a sequence as in "My parents will not allow it. Because of that I don't want to let it get further. I fear that this situation will both hurt me and her if it were to go further."?

Yes, a sequence.

Has she actually said that she wants a relationship with you, or are you just interpreting that from other things she said/did? If it's the latter, what things?

She didn't actually said that but by the way she told me things like "I love you. If you will have your own company soon, please hire me. Only me. And make me your wife. Blah blah blah" and "What do you want? Just tell me, I'll give it to you. You know I'm willing to do these things, again, to you. I like you. (She means that she's willing to do again the good stuffs she had done with her ex)", I guess she wants to be in a relationship with me. Or maybe I'm just assuming?

"her treat and I'm not used to it, I'm feelin like a beta". What does the word beta refer to here?

I mean beta, as someone who is more dependent in a relationship. She acts as the alpha and she likes to control me.

Can you add a culture or location tag? There are many cultural and possibly legal issues to workplace romance that vary across cultures and countries.

Hmm. That's a thing I don't like to disclose. We're both asian with religious parents.


And here's what I did last night.

I texted here because I have a confession and I want to talk about it personally but she insisted me to tell right now so I told her everything.

I told her that I like her but to be in a relationship is a no. I told her my reason that it is because my parents. I told her what happened to me before to just emphasize my point, that what is happening between us will not work just like what happened to me before. She misinterpreted it at first but finally understand after some few chats.

She accepted my rejection but said anyway that we can just let these feelings be felt. She said that she will still do things for me, things will never change tomorrow. And this "tomorrow" is now. A little awkward is present between us but her treatment is still the same.

Well, I agreed with her, to just let these feelings to be felt but I keep remembering her that there's no future for us. Yes, it had hurt her last night but it's the best I can do.

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You do not specify where you are from, so parts of this answer might not be applicable, please let me know if it is so.

I will start with the part of the answer you are expecting, some alternative considerations are below

how can I be more assertive when telling her that a serious relationship is not an option?

Be clear, no fuzzyness, no vagueness: tell her clearly that you like spending time with her, but only as friends, nothing more. You say:

I already told her before that I'm not yet into a serious relationship and I never told her anything that is sure about my feelings toward her. I just said that maybe this is just infatuation. She's not stopping despite of that.

That's not clear, it is extremely open for changes and "improvements". If she is interested in you she is clinging with all her might to the hope that you will "come around" and admit you like her (I have done it for sure in similar situations, and I am pretty sure anyone would do, humans are good at hoping, in Italian we even say "la speranza è l'ultima a morire", i.e. "hope is the last thing that dies"). (EDIT: they tell me that in English is "hope dies last/hope springs eternal" Thank you Cashbee)

Depending on her character (and partially yours), and on the exact details of your current relationship, it might be needed to not see each other for a while (I know I would need that). This does not mean that you have to completely cut any contact (but I have occasionally needed to go that far), and you can still communicate, but having clarity among yourselves, and having it as soon as possible, will help greatly.


I will now instead add some considerations

You say

Honestly, I really like to be in a relationship with her, but also don't want to for some few reasons. For sure my parents will not allow it if I insists. I like her but I don't want to let it go further. It will just hurt me and her.

This raises a few questions for me, the most important being: what are your real feelings? Do you like her? Would you want to avoid the relationship mostly because of your parents? (and here comes the "where you are from part", I understand that in certain cultures this is an obstacle almost impossible to overcome)

Personally I would advise you to clarify this with yourself first, and if you think that in your culture the "my parents will not allow it" can be overcome (i.e., that sentence is a description of your parent's perceived, but not necessarily real, "strictness"). If it could be overcome, and that is the "only" obstacle standing in your way, it could be better for you to rethink your decision.

Also, depending on your relationship with your family, and your culture's value, you might be able to take into consideration an approach that worked for a few of my acquaintances (all westerners): you did not choose your family, you can cut ties with them. Yes, you might have a blood relationship, but nowhere is written that you have to obey their desires and suppress yours.

3

It sounds like perhaps you have more introspection to do, since you say you would like to be in a relationship with her, despite there being reasons it can't work. This post doesn't say more about what that liking of her is about, but that is the part that is most important.

Try digging deeper into the part that would like a relationship, and in particular try visualizing or thinking about how you would feel if a) she stopped giving you the attention that you are currently enjoying and especially b) she was actively giving it to someone else.

Also try thinking about how the part of you that likes her would feel about her if you were not working together.

There is truth in there somewhere, and part of what the best relationships do is help us get to the truth, our truth. Find that emotional truth first.

The post also mentions past difficulties. It may be that you are not in a place where you are comfortable or ready to find your truth right now. It is hard, hard to do. But saying that is also true- something like-

I really like you and I can see how you could be good for me but emotionally I am just not ready to go to those places right now. I am sorry.

If it is truthfully felt and spoken, she likely will hear it. But keep in mind that in terms of being friends- what sounds like is happening now is that she is investing in you, giving you the energy that comes out of a close relationship. You have no right to ask for that from someone who is just a friend. You may have to decide between participating more in the emotional journey with her, or, seeing that energy leave you and get invested in someone else.

Hope that helps. Best wishes to you.

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