I am living in India and I married a beautiful wife recently (this was an arranged marriage). I am working in office from 9AM to 5PM, she is a housemaker. We are living in a building where most of the guys are bachelors.

She avoids having sex (it is OK for me because we are newly married, and I need to understand her heart), and she's always ready to go out alone for shopping, meeting her friends etc.

I thought I will be happy because of her outstanding beauty, but it turns out to be a curse to me. I already asked my mother to stay with her, but she is living far away and assigned to bed rest due to her old age. I am happy with my job.

I want to make sure my wife isn't committing adultery. On the other hand, I fear she might not take it well, for in India, if a husband doubt her wife's behavior, she can press charges for domestic harassment on her husband and his family without any proof.

How can I have a conversation with my wife to be ensured of her faithfulness?

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    so you think you can not trust your wife, because the place where you life is full of Bachelors and you are at work all day? – RealCheeseLord Jun 7 at 5:57
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    "She avoids having sex" - has she said why she avoids it? – David K Jun 7 at 12:58
up vote 13 down vote accepted

I don't claim to fully understand Indian culture, being from the West. For you to be concerned about adultery I assume it does happen in your culture. However, would it be fair to say that if both you and your wife agreed to (or at least went along with) an arranged marriage, you both have a "traditional" family background? If so, would that background promote adultery? I wouldn't have thought so.

I won't say that the western approach to marriage is any more successful - the skyrocketing divorce rate shows that. But I do believe that marriages can be successful if you put some work in. In a way, you now have to do what westerners do before they marry. You have to court your wife!

It sounds like you have married and then plunged straight into a routine of work. You need to make some time for your wife, get to know her, and win her over. In a way it sounds like you may have yet to make a proper "first impression". Do you really want your first (or one of your first) in-depth conversations to be about adultery and faithfulness? I believe you need to talk about lots of other things first.

If you were to talk to a western counselor about saving a marriage, the advice many would give (and indeed the advice I was given) is that if your partner is having an affair (or hasn't embarked on one yet but is maybe on a course to) then you won't win them back by making accusations and causing arguments. The best chance of saving a marriage is to win them back by showing that your relationship is worth fighting for.

Show an interest in her. Talk to her about what she likes. Find things in common. Try and make her laugh. Only once you have a foundation for your relationship can you really open up and talk about fears. If and when you do reach the point of talking about your fear of her faithfulness, don't make it about her. Express it as what it is - your personal fear. The goal is not to make her defend herself over an accusation, but reassure you. Of course, if you build your relationship and start to enjoy a romance, you may get the assurance you need in a non-verbal way and hopefully you won't even need to have that conversation!

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    We expect answers here to be more than "try this!" Do you have any personal experience or references to back up this answer? Can you explain why you think this will be effective, given the OP's history with this person, as well as cultural background? – HugoBDesigner Jun 7 at 13:22
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    @HugoBDesigner Well Hugo, I am speaking as someone who has divorced a former spouse on the grounds of their adultery, and the advice I give in the final paragraph is what a trained counselor would give if you approached them with fears of spousal adultery. If you re-read my answer I don't ever say "try" in the sense of "this might work", only to mean that the OP must do their best but there is no guarantee of success. Further, I don't really believe he should raise the subject of adultery which is why I haven't gone down the usual route of "say this". – Astralbee Jun 7 at 13:28
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    @Astralbee It'd still be helpful to reference your personal experience in this case, specifically in the part where you're making recommendations. You could phrase it as "I didn't do X and as a consequence $problem happened in my marriage, so you should do X" – Magisch Jun 7 at 13:29
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    @Magisch Well I've made some references to personal experience but the advice remains exactly the same. I don't really think it is helpful to go into detail as in my case I did follow the advice of a counselor but it didn't affect the outcome because my ex really was banging her friend's husband behind my back. Still, I think the advice is sound because at this point we have to give the OP's wife the benefit of the doubt and there seems no reason to suspect her beyond the fact she is beautiful and there are other men in the building. – Astralbee Jun 7 at 13:59

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