My friend (m, 23) invited me (m, 23) to a house party and after a couple of beers he talked about a club in our city which he does not like.

He stated that the club is bad because the security kicked him out based on a dropped glass but did not prevent a rape of a women (I think the rape part is exaggerated but I wasn't there so I have no proof). Furthermore, he said that he hates the security because of that and would like to kill them with his hands, a machine gun or grenades.

I know that this story sounds rediculous, but the way he said it was serious and not meant in a funny way. I talked to his ex girlfriend (f, 21) also present at the party and she confirmed my perception of the situation. However everybody was laughing a bit but it was just because the situation was awkward. It is not the first time that he is mentioning a scenario like this and it starts to annoy me and his ex girlfriend so much that we are thinking about not hanging out with him anymore.

Additional information about his personality: He had a weed addiction, but right now he is not smoking that much (once in 2 month, maybe less), he does not feel good about himself especially what women think about his visual appearance (in my opinion his visual appearance is great, but he thinks that he is not tall enough), he has a bad relationship to his father, who expects a lot of him, while he is not able to deliver, and probably additional problems that I am not aware of right now.

After I stated the situation, I want to say that I don't think that he will do it in the near feature but I think that if he gets worse in his mental state, then there might be a possibility of him doing it.

I want to help my friend and I have these options in mind:

  1. I want to talk to him about his behavior and that it is not acceptable to talk like that in general or within a party group. Additionally I want to make absolutely clear that he needs to adjust his mindset towards a positive attitude. My problem with this is that I want to make my point clear without being to aggressive which would make it unlikely for me coming through to him. How can I find a good balance?
  2. I also want him to see an expert e.g. a psychotherapist. I already tried to gently talk him into that by showing that I understand his problem but also stating that I am not qualified to help him. How can I tackle this problem in a conversation?

it's my first question on this site so feel free to suggest tags and improvements to my question

Edit: Rephrased the list.

  • 1
    Did you try talking to him about his aggressive discourses? Did you call him out? What was the result? Commented Jun 17, 2018 at 21:01
  • @LinuxBlanket I did not talk about his discourses because i thought he is not too serious, it was not bothering me too much and also why cause any conflict in our relationship? But now i realized that he might have serious problems so i wanted to ask about a good way to approach him because i am not used to go into conflict situations.
    – Jens
    Commented Jun 20, 2018 at 21:05
  • @RandolphCarter he actually is using a lot of dry humor but when he uses a similar dry humor i am able to detect it but a few days ago he was frustrated and i realized fury in his behavior and voice.
    – Jens
    Commented Jun 20, 2018 at 21:07

2 Answers 2


Talk with other people first what they perceived and what they know about his behavior

Does he

  • show unreasonable and boorish behavior?
  • has problems with the family? (yes)
  • has alcohol or drug problems? (yes)
  • has problems with rage and hatred, tells violence fantasies? (yes)
  • is moving slowly(!) into self-induced social isolation and his behavior is getting more and more aggressive?
  • is known to have an affinity to weapons and his home suspiciously looks like having weapons?
  • threatens a amok run? (yes)

Another hint is that in German culture talking about real violence is kind of taboo, so openly speaking about it is frowned upon. This also explains the kind of nervous laughter, you don't expect something like that, not even as a joke.

Here is a PDF in German about suspected amok runs on schools and how the perpetrators acted. 2009 the police noted 229 complaints about amok threats and only 11 were inconsistent and 3 were serious, so it is very likely that nothing is going on. In all serious cases there was no further problems after psychatric help was enforced.

Simply tell the other people that you are disturbed by his utterings, have a bad feeling and you want to know what others are thinking.

Once you have a fact check and there are too many red flags, call immediately the police.

One comment mentioned swatting, but this does not happen in Germany often. Normally they will get a search warrant and look up if they find something suspicious, warn him and, if acting suspiciously, getting him into a psychatric clinic.

The important thing is: In all known amok runs here in Germany the perpetrator did in fact warn about his intent which indicates that they often want someone to stop them, so if you note suspicious behavior, call the police.


Give it to him straight. Tell him you are troubled by his out of proportion aggression, and that he has to seek help for it BEFORE he does something that could have dire consequences. Thorsten S. is so right when he said "the perpetrator did in fact warn about his intent". He has already involved you in this. Do you want to risk being "that friend" on TV after an act of violence who looks into the camera and says "he told me, but I didn't want to cause problems for him"? At very least, speak to the police asking them for their advice.

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