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At my work there are these two colleagues, let's call them Bob and Adam just for convenience, who have a history of trash-talking about literally everyone in the company.

Recently I've stumbled upon a piece of an IM log between them - don't ask how, I know that the log is 100% legit. This time they decided to talk trash about me. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Adam told he doesn't think that Inmir (me) has ever been on a date. Bob pretty much agreed.

This is true. Indeed, I have never been on one. Now I don't particularly care about this 'deficiency' of mine or this chatlog specifically - witnessing how many people Adam and Bob have talked trash about I had no doubt that eventually they'll do that to me too, online or offline. What grinds my gears is that I cannot ascertain if this particular sentence was an accurate observation on Adam's part or just something he uttered that happened to be true at the moment. Well, looks like he scored anyway.

Could I potentially give out any 'virgin' tells? I tried to work something out but couldn't. I don't and never did talk about my relationships, lack of them, personal life or anything like that, being an introvert - and a kinda extreme one - and a private person in general. My clothes are pretty generic for me being 25 years old, none of that stuff like fedoras or trenchcoats. I maintain my hygiene too.

How could I possibly get 'outed' in this situation?

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    Hello, Inmir, and welcome to IPS.SE! I'm voting to close this question because we don't have the needed details to answer this properly. Not only that, I think that you can't give us these details: probably, there is an enormous amount of nonverbal cues that tell about you way more than you think out that you can describe to us. It'll be better to ask this question to a friend.
    – LinuxBlanket
    Jun 17, 2018 at 16:49
  • I see. Unfortunately I don't have anyone irl I trust enough to ask such things. Maybe it's time to go bother sci-hub about any possible non-verbal cues.
    – Inmir Tahir
    Jun 17, 2018 at 17:03

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Yes. It is very subtle but it is there. The fact that you are wondering in the first place; - "Is there something that screams 'virgin' about me?".

The fact that you are wondering/worrying about it, shows that you almost feel like there is something wrong/abnormal/lacking in you. When we feel a little bit ashamed of our differences, it shows in our body language.

When we feel like we are "not like everyone else" in an embarrassed way, the only way to 'hide' it is to withdraw even more, from people.

What I'm trying to say is... You may be different, but it's a good different. I'm not like everyone else either, and I'm glad I'm not!

Inmir, when the time is right (whatever 'right' is for you), you may choose to no-longer-be-a-virgin.

If you were having a 'sex life' at the moment, I don't think you'd be sharing it with your colleagues anyway. It is your prerogative to keep your personal life to yourself.

Bob and Adam will be talking about someone else next week.

Enjoy being you. You are a unique individual, there is no one else exactly like you.

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    'Very subtile' - but what exactly? That's what boggles my mind here.
    – Inmir Tahir
    Jun 17, 2018 at 14:43
  • I shall probably mark this as an answer. I'm quite unsure if being a virgin at 25 is a good different, it's not something I'm proud of but then nor am I desperate. Still, I subscribe to the view that it's abnormal but there were reasons for what and where I am now. Looks like it boils down to non-verbal behaviours anyway. Tough, perhaps I'll make something out of it.
    – Inmir Tahir
    Jun 17, 2018 at 18:18
  • Perhaps you could find a way to feel proud of your choices, (even with the reasons). It's always better to focus on the positive aspects than to dwell on the negatives. I happen to think it's a good different. I respect you for it.
    – Robyn Simpson
    Jun 17, 2018 at 18:36
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    @InmirTahir Quite simple: You are not used to speak and interact with women. Given that women are for your lack of experience seem inaccessible, you are prone to idolize them and their vicinity puts visible stress on you. This means that your actions are a bit inept and mistimed, you are seeking distance or nearness at wrong time points. Women and good observers notice this, it's like a motor which is out of timing. The solution is training, training and again training: Talk with women without seeking companionship until you see them as the same flawed humans as men. No idolization.
    – Thorsten S.
    Jun 17, 2018 at 18:37
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    @InmirTahir but Adam and Bob aren't women And? You don't think men cannot be good observers? You even experience it yourself. You go around the streets and meet....foreigners and tourists. Do you perceive them because they wear always flamboyant clothes and big cameras and talking strange languages or....because you simply know and cannot explain it? The reason is that their facial expressions and gestures don't fit to natives.
    – Thorsten S.
    Jun 17, 2018 at 20:04
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It is hard to tell just through your post if you give out anything specific that would trigger such comments or if it's just a blind guess on your colleuges side.

What I could point out however is that you are focusing on completly wrong factors when listing things about yourself that could possibly point towards you not having dates in the past.

As you may or may not know most of the communication is taken by your body language, which consist of such things as the way you speak, the way you move, the way you interact with other people.

Like me you happen to be an introverted person and that might mean many things, for example it might mean that you prefer to spend time alone rather then talking with your other collegues, maybe you don't feel as comfortable as others around your female coworkers. There are many, very subtle informations provided by your body language and your interactions with others, that might cause others to have certain assumptions about you.

On the other hand, stereotypical guy who would have a lot of dates is often portrayed in mass media as extravertical, high energy person. The contrast between the stereotype and your person might be the factor of them saying such things, but don't let that get to you, good luck :)

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  • I only listed the most obvious factors. Right, they're probably not too reliable: I know fellas who smell strange, whose dressing style could be called idiosyncratic at best - those still land dates. Hell, when I'd been posting this there was this post on the first page of this sub. I omitted the body language part because it's hard to quantify/qualify it by myself. It is certainly plausible though.
    – Inmir Tahir
    Jun 17, 2018 at 15:46

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