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I'm currently a 19 years old Spaniard male senior student, and a month ago I was asked for help by a male student in another course about a subject I'm good at. While helping him I discovered we have the same interests. We live in different towns and it's not possible to meet in person, so we sometimes chat via text.

However, I'm usually the one that starts the conversation, and I would like to ask him if he's interested in getting to know me (or simply tell him I'm interested) and whether we could establish a texting routine this summer so we can try to be friends. We rarely see each other at school, and we're not in the same class so technically we aren't schoolmates. How can I ask for a texting routine? (e.g. every Tuesday and Thursday). I would like to avoid making things awkward between us.


As meeting in person seems viable, I'll list the reasons why I would rather text with him:

  • Distance. Yes, we go to the same school, but it's not mandatory like Secondary education. It's hard to explain because our education system is different. Anyway, there's a distance of 62 Km (38.53 miles) between out towns, and the only ways to go to his town would be: by car (which is impossible since I don't own a driver's license) or by train (which is affordable, but the train station is far from his town).
  • It's too early. As I said, we met each other a month ago, and because I helped him with a subject. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel a month is just not enough time to start meeting someone in person.
  • He has a life. I really would like to meet in person, but sadly he may not because summer vacation has just started and he will want to meet his friends, date with his girlfriend, apply for a job... I don't want to be a nuisance. So that means for example that he maybe won't want to go to my town. I wouldn't mind to go to his town, though. But still, I'm afraid of being a pain. Perhaps I'm wrong and he would like to introduce me to his friends, but this leads to the following reason:
  • Bashfulness. I'll be honest, I'm too shy to start and keep a conversation in real life. And that's why I would like to establish a friendship by means of texting. Unfortunately, I lack self-confidence. What if I make a bad impression? I know this is a cowardly behavior, but I don't want to ruin the opportunity of having someone to chat with.
  • How old are you and what country/culture are you in? – apaul Jun 22 '18 at 3:50
  • I'm 19 years old, and I am spaniard. – user19120 Jun 22 '18 at 5:52
  • Why is not possible to meet in person? – gvgramazio Jun 26 '18 at 19:06
  • As requested, I added the reasons. – user19120 Jun 27 '18 at 14:47
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It sounds like your goal is to encourage him to text you more often - so my answer will be built off of that premise.

"How can I ask for a texting routine? (e.g. every Tuesday and Thursday). I would like to avoid making things awkward between us."

There's not an elegant way to ask someone to text you more often. Texting is such an integrated part of society now a days that people don't really schedule time to do so, they just do it as they are going about their day.

In addition to the above, the degree to which people text/communicate on a day-to-day basis varies wildly. Some people like to text 24/7, some only like to text when they have a certain discussion goal in mind, and some don't really like to text much at all.

With all of the above in consideration, it'd probably come off awkward, possibly overbearing, to bluntly ask them to text you at certain days/times. Your best route of action would be to express your interest and continue making efforts from your end to communicate with him. You could express your interest in continuing your friendship with him by saying something like:

"Would you want to stay in touch this summer? I've enjoyed having someone to talk to about ______ (your shared interests) with!"

This not only accomplishes your goal of asking him to stay in touch with you (more subtly than setting a routine), but invites him to continue the friendship with you by being friendly and open about your motives. You also are reminding him of why the friendship is valuable by mentioning your shared interests.

Last but not least, don't give up on the friendship if he still doesn't take much initiative in reaching out to you first. I am the type of person who doesn't often reach out to people unless I have something to say, but it doesn't mean I don't sincerely value the friendship of my friends who reach out to me first.

Good luck!

  • You didn't just advice me to not try to establish the texting routine, but you also wrote the kind of message I should send which helped me to avoid a headache trying to elaborate the message. This is the answer I was looking for! – user19120 Jun 30 '18 at 21:34
  • Sorry but I'm not allowed to edit comments after 5 minutes. Just for your information, he accepted to stay in touch this summer ;) And yes, I won't give up even if he doesn't respond. I have a question though: If someday he doesn't answer my message, how long should I wait to say something again? – user19120 Jun 30 '18 at 21:41
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How can I ask for a texting routine? (e.g. every Tuesday and Thursday).

Please, don't do it. It's awkward and even if my best friend or my girlfriend would ask me for something like this it would be strange.

Even if you are of different towns you still go to the same school, so I suppose that your towns aren't so distant from each other. If you want to know him better then ask to go out after school some day.

Considerations after question's edit

Bashfulness. I'll be honest, I'm too shy to start and keep a conversation in real life. And that's why I would like to establish a friendship by means of texting. Unfortunately, I lack self-confidence. What if I make a bad impression? I know this is a cowardly behavior, but I don't want to ruin the opportunity of having someone to chat with.

I'm no one to judge you or your shyness. The worst thing that could happen is that you will not end up being friends that it is the same thing that will happen if you'll do nothing. So, in this case, do something is better than nothing. Note that do something could also be something different than ask him to go out.

It's too early. As I said, we met each other a month ago, and because I helped him with a subject. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel a month is just not enough time to start meeting someone in person.

Maybe we are of different cultures, maybe you are really very shy, but I don't think that exists something like too early in this case. You could start meeting someone even from the first day.

He has a life. I really would like to meet in person, but sadly he may not because summer vacation has just started and he will want to meet his friends, date with his girlfriend, apply for a job... I don't want to be a nuisance. So that means for example that he maybe won't want to go to my town. I wouldn't mind to go to his town, though. But still, I'm afraid of being a pain.

Yes, he has a life, and in life we build friendships, relations and so on. We didn't born with them. We know new people from time to time. Asking to go out one time doesn't mean that he has to neglect his friends, girlfriend or job. It's good that you don't want to be a nuisance but you aren't just asking to go out from time to time.

Distance. Yes, we go to the same school, but it's not mandatory like Secondary education. It's hard to explain because our education system is different. Anyway, there's a distance of 62 Km (38.53 miles) between out towns, and the only ways to go to his town would be: by car (which is impossible since I don't own a driver's license) or by train (which is affordable, but the train station is far from his town).

I cannot give you an answer to this point. I don't know your education system nor how realistic is for you to move to his hometown. My idea was that since you go to school in the same town you could go out in that city or with the excuse of an event (something relative to some interest that you share) in yours or his city you could ask him to go together.

  • I just added the reasons as requested. It's too large to be put in the comment section. – user19120 Jun 27 '18 at 14:44
  • It's a pity there can't be two accepted answers, but as my goal is to stay in touch with him via texting I decided to mark Jess K.'s answers as accepted. Anyway, as summer vacation has started and this was my last year, we won't see each other at school again. But I really like the idea of meeting in person, would you be so kind as to give me advice to ask for it once I'm prepared? – user19120 Jun 30 '18 at 21:48
  • I think the best method is to understand if there is an event (which you can organize or to which you can participate) that interests you. In the case, it would be enough for you to propose to go there. The event in question could be anything: a poker game with friends, a basketball game, a concert, an exhibition at the museum, etc. The important thing is that it can please both of you and that it is not too demanding. In case his answer is negative, do not insist, nobody likes persistent people. It's definitely better to try again with another event. – gvgramazio Jun 30 '18 at 22:02
  • May I ask why do you prefer to keep your relationship as text-only? Are you scared of a refusal or is it related to other things? – gvgramazio Jun 30 '18 at 22:04
  • It is partly a fear of rejection. I think meeting someone in person is the ultimate sign of acceptance, so I feel more comfortable texting him until I'm prepared, which will happen once I feel 100% accepted by him. If he refused to do so, I would think it was all a lie and that he wasn't truly interested in me. That's how I see meeting someone in person. Yo may see it as something normal, but I see it as a big, big step. The biggest problem, though, is my introversion. A poker game with friends? Well, it would be with his friends, because I have no friends! (Continued in the next comment) – user19120 Jul 1 '18 at 16:54
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When you're chatting with him again, let him know that you're enjoying your friendship with him. Let him know that you have a busy schedule, but would like to make room for him each week around your work load, and his. Suggest some days and times.
User 19120, some people don't want to be scheduled. For them "having" to do something at a certain time each week, becomes a chore, a drag and leads to resentment. If he declines to be scheduled, it does not necessarily mean he is rejecting you per se.

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