I can't stand smoking, like, at all.
I get repulsed by someone's smoking nearby or coming close to me after smoking. It's purely due to the smell, which I find about on par with eating foods I hate the most, if not worse, and ends up consuming a large portion of my thoughts - I don't have a moral problem with it. Spending too much time around smoke can also give me a headache. I might have hyperosmia (a heightened sensitivity to smell) - the smell of smoke isn't the only smell I have a problem with, but it tends to be the most consistently problematic.
Now I've recently found myself interested in someone who smokes "sometimes" (whatever that means).
Ideally I would like to find out:
- How important their occasional smoking is to them
- How often they smoke
- Whether they could be convinced to try to work something out that involves not smoking around me (on the hope that their interest in me outweighs the desire to smoke that often)
- Maybe find out whether it's strictly vaping or weed (which might not bother me).
I don't want to:
- Give up on them before having brought this up (even if that might be the best idea)
Date them if they're going to smoke around me or before hanging out with me.
I might consider one or two dates if that would put me in a better position to bring it up, but I doubt it would help and during that time it could become painfully obvious that I can't stand smoke if either they smoke or someone nearby smokes, which would prevent me from getting in ahead of it.
If possible, I'd also like to avoid seeming like I am:
- Trying to get them to stop smoking altogether (that would not be some "ultimate goal" of mine for either short-term or long-term dating, even if I would obviously prefer it that way)
Trying to "fix" or change them
I want to present them with the fact that I can't stand smoking (like telling someone you're deaf, or really disorganized, or a Republican), and let them decide whether that's a problem for them or they're willing to compromise. This would be different from asking them to cut down on smoking because e.g. I think it's bad for their health (like wanting someone to become a vegetarian because you dislike animal cruelty). Now you could probably argue them being a smoker is as much of a fact as me not being able to stand it, but maybe they already smoke rarely enough for it to not be a problem, or they can change that fact, if they want to.
Taking a moral position about smoking (which is not true and may offend them)
- A negative person
- A sickly person
So, how can I find out how important smoking is to them and ask them to not smoke around me considering all of the above? When is the best time to bring this up, assuming we're at the initial chatting phase and they haven't agreed to a date yet?