I'll clarify my question right away:

I'm 20, from France.

While drunk at a party organized at a friend's house, I was with 4 friends in a room when somebody joked about a girl I brought: "Hey, you brought here to flirt right lmao?", which I responded to (still joking) amongst the line of "Yeah, of course, but seems like a fail for me so if anybody want's to try she's single". Except the people I was with didn't hear what I said, but one of them decided to tell her, which got me in big trouble. I sent a message to the guy who told her because I thought he would be quite embarrassed knowing that he brought me in trouble, I wanted to reassure him that I wasn't mad and we were still friends, etc. This is what I sent:

"I'm disappointed that you told her, I was drunk, everybody knows how stupid I am when I'm drunk, it was really not useful to tell her except if you wanted to put me in useless trouble... Anyway I'm not mad a you but we probably won't see each other much as the girl is mad at me now and you hang out with her most of the time.

Which he replied to with a really hard tone aswell as insulting me:

"You'd better assume your shit instead of telling me it's my fault, you clearly didn't seem so drunk and even if you was that's absolutely no excuse to talk like this about a girl which you consider as a "friend", especially since nobody asked you to open your mouth at that moment.

All I see is that you are dumb enough to find that disappointing when I tell the main party involved about what you said as she didn't ask anything at that moment as well as being my best friend at the party and in general, and you are searching yourself shitty excuses to make it seem right on top of that. I am glad you are not mad at me! You fucked up, not me, if you didn't want her to know you just had to shut your fucking mouth, no need to search further."

I find that pretty hypocritical for two major reasons:

  1. The guy wasn't that much involved in our discussion.
  2. I could have 'shut my mouth' but what about him? It wasn't useful at all to tell her. I feel like he just wanted to get me in trouble which is pretty weird for someone who's supposed to be a friend.

To be honest when I read his response I was so shocked I didn't even knew what to respond so I said something like "no need to be aggressive, I'm completely against all you said except the part where I fucked up", I basically responded like he was right.

Some background context:

I was at a party recently and got drunk, as it was the main reason why this party took place. A bunch of friends (4 peoples) were playing action/truth and I decided to join them. I know 3 of them really well and the last one is more of a guy I know a bit, I did hang out a few time with him and we talk time to time but that's all. The 3 peoples i mentioned earlier have the same relationship with him if not worst (2 of them I don't think they know him that much apart from seeing him a few times). A guy joked about a girl I brought, I joked with him as well, and the guy I'm the less close to decided to tell the girl. She is really mad at me, and since the said guy responded as he did to my message I'm mad at him now.

What should I do about the guy, how should I approach him as he seems very aggressive? I already apologized to the girl but I'm extremely disappointed by the guy for all the reasons above. We will obviously end up in parties together and even if I don't want to excuse him, I don't want to create more useless drama for my friends, I really need some advice on how I should behave in order no to make my friends uncomfortable.

I'm still young and social is clearly not my thing... I don't really have anybody I can ask about this. I would be interested in getting advice from peoples more sociable, mature than me. I'am very open to criticism, I'am the one at fault there is no doubt it, my goal here is to get advice on how i should handle the situation, i want to avoid the guy having troubles with my friends and i want him to know i'am mad but can't figure out how to bring the conversation on the table.

  • 1
    Okay so if i´m not mistaken your question as about the relationship between you and "That Guy" / friend of yours. What is it you want to achieve? Do you want to repair the friendship? Do you want to get your point across? Do you want an apology from him? Do you want just a mutual ignoring of each other to not make it too awkward in future encounters? ...? Also, it would probably help if you tell us how old you are and from which country so we have some info on cultural background.
    – user6109
    Jul 10, 2018 at 11:20
  • @Daniel updated a little bit more, i'am 20, from france, as for what i want to achieve, i would like to go trought this situation, get back in a good relationship with the girl (a friendly one, i don't really care for the rest she is interesting so i would like to make a friend of her) and prevent any awkwards situation for my group of friends since the guy and me will be invited to the same parties most of the times. I'am unsure whether or not i should confront him and how.
    – xoxel
    Jul 10, 2018 at 11:28
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    "What should I do?" questions are considered off-topic for this site. We can't really give you advice on what to do in a given situation, but rather how to interact with people in a more positive/professional/etc. manner.
    – AHamilton
    Jul 10, 2018 at 11:38
  • 2
    Please don’t write answers in comments. It bypasses our quality measures by not having voting (both up and down) available on comments, as well as having other problems detailed on meta. Comments are for clarifying and improving the question; please don’t use them for other purposes.
    – Mithical
    Jul 10, 2018 at 11:38
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    @xoxel I'm also French and would love to help by editing your question in the hope of getting it reopened. What do you want to achieve? Apologize to the girl or try to calm things with your male friend who defended her? Please answer in English as it is the only fitted language for this site.
    – avazula
    Jul 10, 2018 at 15:12

1 Answer 1


This is a frame challenge answer.

"Hey, you brought here to flirt right lmao?", which I responded to (still joking) amongst the line of "Yeah, of course, but seems like a fail for me so if anybody want's to try she's free"

This is Claiming ownership of the woman "she's free" means she is no longer mine, it is treating her as an object.

If you had stuck with "Yeah, of course, but seems like a fail for me", would have told everyone you had given up, without treating her as your property you can set free.

Language matters until very recently (last 100 years) in most of the west women were literally the property of first their father then their husband. Many men still consider women to be somebody's property, which is why women so often have to invent a boyfriend to get rid of persistent men when out. The only thing that stops these men is when they realise she belongs to someone already "Sorry mate didn't realise she was yours".

Being drunk is no excuse for ANYTHING, what you did was appalling you talked about this woman as though she was a chair you were no longer using.

"Hi sit here I am leaving now"

Being drunk is no longer an excuse

According to a study titled Alcohol Effects On Performance Monitoring and Adjustment: Affect Modulation and Impairment of Evaluative Cognitive Control, alcohol doesn’t limit our ability to know what’s right and wrong, instead, it takes away our capacity to care.

So this means you still know what you are doing is wrong you just don't care it is wrong.

So the old line that being drunk just shows us the real you is true, and the real you thinks of women like shareable objects.

So yes this woman's best friend is angry, angry that you treated her so shoddily, and then were upset, not about how you had behaved but upset that she found out.

You are still showing no signs of contrition

and that was a joke so it's not like i meant it

Not "I said a really bad thing I had no excuse how can I make up for this?" nope still with the "but it wasn't my fault it was only a joke I was drunk"

it was only a joke is also no excuse, jokes like these are designed as social glue to say we are the ones who can joke about "using" those other ones.

However, the justification falls flat if we assume that you’re never “just joking” and that jokes define in groups or out groups. The sexist joke shared between two white males (who were part of the dominant culture of conferences in 2013) defined them as part of the “in-group” and pushed the African American woman who overhead the “joke” into the “out-group”.

When the woman pushed back against the joke in by tweeting about it with a picture of the joker, the people who were part of the in-group who found that joke “funny” were angry. When the joker was fired, it was a sign that they were no longer the favored, dominant group. Fear of loss of social status is a powerful motivator, which is what caused people from the joke’s “in-group” to call for the woman to be fired as well.

just-joking sexist talk

Ford and Ferguson concluded that jokes don’t create hostility to the outgroup where it doesn’t already exist. But the evidence, they said, showed that joking reinforces existing prejudice. If you joke about women and get away with it, those who are hostile to women will see this as social sanction for their views and behavior. The joke tellers don’t themselves have to be actively misogynist to end up encouraging others to be.

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    Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. @xoxel, feel free to edit some of the clarifications you provided in these comments to into your question if necessary :)
    – Tinkeringbell
    Jul 10, 2018 at 18:10
  • @Tinkeringbell thanks, i'll do, maybe it will get reopened :) !
    – xoxel
    Jul 10, 2018 at 21:58
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    It's clearer based on the edit OP made that the term "free" in french refers to being single, not the "I'm done with her, she's free" sense it has in English. Just a mistranslation here as OP might not be at ease in English. Please consider editing your answer to fit the question edit.
    – F. Emin
    Jul 23, 2018 at 13:34

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