Asking a girl you love (without being rude) to be your girlfriend when you're married [closed]

Question

I know a girl from the internet (we both live in Germany), and looks like everything is fine between us (we are talking every some hours, smiling, flirting ..etc).

I am currently married, but, as my relation with my wife is pretty damaged, I am thinking about divorce, especially since I met this girl, because I think she may be my soulmate.

This girl (who is not yet my girlfriend) doesn't have any problem with our contact, she likes it and she wants our relation to grow bigger (or more serious, like girlfriend or marriage); she fears that I may go back with my wife and I don't divorce, let her decline to be my girlfriend.

I started to love this new girl, I can't stop contacting her, and I don't want to lose her, but on the other side, I don't want to be rude by insisting or pressing her to accept my offer (to be with me) while she is uncomfortable with my current situation.

My Question:

How to make her comfortable with my current situation and to be with me until I finish the divorce process?

Remarks:

• I am quite sure she likes me (she said that many times).
• She doesn't have anyone in her life (she is divorced after 1 year of failed marriage).
• She is open to a new relationship (her fear that I go back with my wife didn't let her take me).
• She is 23 and I am 28 and both no kids.
• She lives far away from me, but we met one time, and we realized we should really live together as soon as possible.

PS: I know she doesn't have to be comfortable and I am somehow wrong, but the problem is that I can't imagine or accept this girl can be with someone else, or even myself with another one.

Update:

• I don't want to wait until I finish the divorce process, because it can take up to 2 years and possibly more, which is a very long period, and she can change her mind in this time and choose to date someone else.
• She started thinking about stopping our contact, because first she has fears that she loves me and I am married until this moment, and second because the divorce process is so long and she thinks I may change my mind in this time.

Answer 1

I hate to say it, but I can relate. My, now ex, partner and I were married for 5 years, separated for a year, tried to make another go of it for 6 months, and are now separated again.

Ending a marriage is a messy complicated process, and it sounds like you're at the very earliest stage of that process. If you haven't told your wife of your plan to seek a divorce, you probably should, that's where the process generally starts and where things begin to get messy. From there it's a hard road. Separating is a hard thing emotionally.

Asking someone to date you while you're going through this process is asking for an awful lot. "Hey would you like to ride this emotional rollercoaster with me?" And it probably isn't fair to ask that of someone. Not to mention that starting what you hope will be a serious relationship, while you're still getting your mind and heart settled, isn't exactly starting off on the best footing.

I dated a bit during my first separation, it was nice to get back out there and feel appreciated, attractive, and all, but at the same time I knew that it wasn't the best thing to be doing. I was still recovering from a lot of pain and grief from the end of my marriage. The people I dated didn't really like to hear about the ongoing issues with my ex, they didn't like hearing about the financial and emotional entanglement any more than I did.

This time around I'm trying to be a little more deliberate about taking my time. I want things finalized before thinking about starting another serious relationship. I'm seeing a therapist, and making a real effort to get my own life in good order before inviting someone else to be apart of it.

I would strongly recommend the second approach over the first. Starting a relationship under the cloud of a divorce isn't ideal, it's not going to be easy for you or your new partner, and it doesn't give you the time and space to heal and grieve from the end of the the marriage. If this new person really is your "soulmate", if "soulmates" even exist, they'll be happy to hear from you a year or two from now after you've gotten your divorce settled and life in order.

You might want to stay in touch with this new person, and there may not be any harm in checking in once in a while, but take your time. Jumping from one bad relationship into another often happens because you didn't take the time to check your baggage before making the leap. Trust me, I've done that enough times to know.

Answer 2

The way to look at this is to separate and atomic events.

You agreed to marry your current wife, you may say now that you never loved her, but that does not change the fact that you stood before friends, family, and possibly God and agreed to marry her and all that entails. Perhaps things are not working out now, and if that is the case you should divorce her. You owe her that. She does not deserve your sneaking around flirting with others behind her back. Either commit yourself to this relationship or get out.

No matter what this girl says, it shoud not impact your divorce decision.

In fact I would recommend that you take some time to heal from your marriage, if you decide to divorce, before entertaining the idea of seeing someone else. I would recommend no less than one year, and possibly longer. Among other things you need to understand why you entered into a life long relationship with someone so incompatible with you.

Then of course not repeat the same mistakes in the future.

Answer 3

This cannot be an easy situation for anyone to be brought into. You have to understand how she must feel being put in the middle of such a complicated process between you and your wife.

I have no knowledge on the divorce process in Germany so I'll try not to make any assumptions. If you are planning or have started the process of divorcing your wife, then you need to show that you are serious about it and work at it until the process is finalized, no matter how long it takes. Throughout this process, reassure her that you are keen on divorcing your wife and that your goal is to begin a new relationship with her.

However, if she is uncomfortable with dating you while you go through this divorce process, but also does not want to wait 2 years for the divorce process to finish, I don't see how this relationship would ever work. If she wants to start a relationship with you, she will need to accept your current situation and begin to build your relationship from there.

Answer 4

This is quiet a complicated situation, but I guess you should come forward and be honest with your current wife and the girl that you are in love with.

The best solution is to have an adult and honest discussion with your current wife. If you are not getting allong and the divorce is just a matter of time, she will understand your situation. And maybe just maybe she might help you convince your future girlfriend that things are so over.

It's not an easy situation, but honesty is key.